social media and loss of emotional connection

[babbinocaro]

Am I the only one who thinks that smart phones and the social media/ the internet are destroying normal relationships, specifically marriages/partnerships. My OH spends the whole evening dipping into and out of various sites, smiling but not sharing facebook updates (people he is in not in real life contact with but random "friends") and posting comments on twitter -he'll tweet about a programme we're watching but not actually share with people in the room - like we are real and don't matter whereas his online "friends" are all so cool and sophisticated. He also uses phrases like follow your dreams and new phrases re sexual activities in the bedroom (picked up from internet porn no doubt). If I challenge him he is completely defensive and tells me I need to do the same...get with the programme! Behaviour is starting with my DS - reduced emotional connection - not psychologically healthy for all concerned. I want a real relationship not a housemate who spends his time giving a "shout out" to a random person 30 years younger. Am I just expecting too much??

I know where you're coming from. I don't know that you can "blame" social media for these behaviours. I think it's a habit with some people, and I do think they can become a real irritation and distraction in a relationship

If I think about me and DP we have strong boundaries by agreement about screen time. We don't use technology during mealtime, period. We don't sit there with our tablets, tweeting/fb'ing when we could be talking. It can become a bad habit, it gets "addictive". Consequently DS doesn't keep reaching for his phone every 5 seconds either. We would put a stop to that!

Can you and your DH talk about this and agree some restrictions. Sounds like it may be falling on deaf ears but can you try to get through to him that his behaviour is ruining your relationship. Don't blame it on the social media it's his use of it! Must be frustrating for you.

I agree. In our case, I was the worst and urged my other half to join up. It came to the point where he had his ipad at the side of the bed so the first and last thing he did every day was with virtual people.

We now have rules and the ipad and phone are not allowed in the bedroom or at the table. We both read before lights out and surf only when we are both together.

Loss of emotional connection - totally. But join up with your other half within set boundaries.

Good luck x

I absolutely agree, but it's your DH to blame not social media exactly. The internet has just made it easier to disengage from life.

It always makes me laugh when you see people looking at amazing things through the lense of a smart phone or camera. Engage with life and see it through your own eyes for gods sake - not everything needs to be uploaded and commented on through social media!

My DH was the same and easily slips back into it, but with him it's gaming not social media (he can't abide that). You need to set boundaries and point out that he's missing out on life, it's not enhancing, it's detracting from life. If my DH starts slipping into his old ways I just ask him to put the phone down and he will. A bit of screen time is fine, but when it means he's never present even when he's in the room, that's a problem.

As for porn, well I could share my views on that with you, but I get the impression you're generally ok with it, but again he needs boundaries. If you feel it's affecting your real life in the bedroom, I'd have a conversation and tell him to stop it or stop the porn.

My OH is on facebook first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. She overshares information regarding our relationship to her 'girls' group (it's a secret group). It is starting to really make me question where I am in her priorities...

I worry that I am ignoring my DH a but too much but at the end of the day when I am sat down a little FB and Mumsnet is my choice of relaxation, I would rather it than watching TV.

Can you get your OH into an enviroment without social media? dinner out maybe?

I'm a huge user of my computer and iPad.. I find TV boring and if we aren't out and about then you will find me either working on my laptop, or surfing the web on the iPad.

If someone said I can't do that, I would tell them to go and get a life of their own and stop being so jealous.

There is a fine line between surfing and chatting to other's though, so in your case OP, I would be upset about how he doesn't chat to you about what he's laughing at, or what he thinks of the film you are watching, so I see your view on that aspect, it's just plain rude.

If it really annoys you, then I would start taking an evening class, or taking your children out some evenings if possible and leave him on his own, he might start to miss you then and try to interact more in future. I have a feeling that will get you further than "nagging".

You have my sympathies though, the internet IS addictive.

I think it's a mixed bag. I used my laptop to withdraw from DH when he escalated the verbal abuse. He was online constantly on social media in the midst of an emotional affair with OW. And because he was always online (I didn't realise at the time it was with her), on FB and FB games, I withdrew further with my laptop.

But at the same time, with two small children with SNs, and no way to go out to talk to people (he was signed off work with depression so home all the time for ages), the only support I got was online as well. Without that online support, it would have been so much harder for me.

Alice I can see you are right. I'm here too aren't I looking for understanding/validation. I just sometimes feel that I don't get it and I am a daily user of software. Social media is so trite, narcissistic and some is downright nasty - married affairs, webcams, localslags, cyberbullies, trolls, romance fraud on dating websites and this whole cesspit washes through our homes via the internet... and users don't see it for what it is, find it too hard to resist, become degraded by it.

It is difficult, but as I said, without it, I would be cut off from a lot of support that I get for my 2 dcs and their SNs/disabilities.

Like anything, it's about moderation.

We had to have a rule about them not being at the table. Our biggest problem is zoning out and not realising someone in the house has asked a question.

I have refused to continue speaking until I know dh has put down the iPad.