Please help me deal with my bitchy class-mate

[FrazzledBrainedStudent]

Regular poster but have name changed for this…
I’m a mature student (access course so pretty intense) in a small class of 9 other women. I rub along OK with everyone except one, who is cheeky to the point of rude at times and has upset me 3 times since September, the latest being today. Now, I’m doing well on the course, rarely ask “silly” questions, yet today I struggled in a class (it was a science subject and I already had a headache) and had to ask the lecturer what something was. The lecturer upset me the first by saying “we’ve just been going over that” [yes, I know, but I don’t friggin get it!] but then cow-bag student had a dig at me too by also commenting that we’d already done it. Why she felt the need to say anything I really don’t know, and apparently she continued discussing my failing outside of class (apparently I “should’ve been listening”. I was!). What’s compounding this is that apparently the people she was talking to about me didn’t stick up for me of pull her up at all. Great, thanks chums

Anyway, I loathe her. She’s now got form for being rude, and she has an astonishing lack of empathy too (which is scary considering she want to be a midwife! She thinks mothers who end up in poverty and can’t afford to feed their children should have them removed by SS!), yet I have to see her 3 times a week, sometimes doing group work with her, so I need to find a way of dealing with her with the least amount of unpleasantness possible. I’m a confident and assertive person in so many situations but really struggle with this sort of thing. What should I do? Ideally I’d like to pull her up on her “cheekiness” but wouldn’t know what to say that won’t cause a bigger problem (she’s very vocal and good at back-chat), and I really don’t want to fall out with anyone (she’s Miss Popular). Really need some advice please.

Sounds awful. I find with people like that, the best thing is to say nothing at all. Let her nasty comments echo round the room. If she is quick witted, you might come off worse if you try to tackle her.

Your facial expression can convey a feeling if you want it to, but I find silence the best defence in these situations. No one can fault you for saying nothing!

Imagine that she is about 8 years old and treat her exactly as you would if she was (not your 8yo, someone else's).

I've always found that helps a lot.

I wouldn't tackle her. Just look and nod. Do not let her get to you. Rise above it.

She is probably jealous of you in someway.

Thanks Mermaid, I like the idea of silence as I doubt I could get one over verbally . I could always try the face too

Thanks everyone, you're really helping I felt so crap earlier but a lot stronger now. You're right, she's probably jealous of something. It really bugs me how people like her can be so damned popular though

It amazes me that adults can still be like this but you run across them every now and again. I find a very calm, composed raised eyebrow and arch look is the only way to respond without being drawn in further.

I know! One of my great fears regarding my planned career change isn't that I'll find it hard to get a job, but that I'll end up working with someone like her. Some of the threads on here about workplace bullying/sniping/cliques makes me shudder.

She isnt popular - the others are just walking on egg shells, grinning nervously as they dont want to be the next victim of her nasty tongue.

She is probably anxious and jealous - maybe struggling with the course.

Not sure how such a snippy, too quick tongue will help her midwifery career where I imagine working with all types of personalities in a v stressful environment (patients and colleagues) requires calm and diplomacy.

Dont challenge but as PP have said perfect that grimace and head shake - so the others can see!

Head tilt and smile patronisingly.

I've got someone on my course like this too!

I literally act as if she's not in the room, if she speaks I don't even turn my head to look at her, she's not there. She never addresses me in person so it's quite easy to maintain

Yes, and if she makes a joke at your expense or 'teases' you but is really being bitchy the not even looking at her thing works really well - like you say, without a reaction from you it will just bounce around the room while everyone looks at her.

"She isnt popular - the others are just walking on egg shells, grinning nervously as they dont want to be the next victim of her nasty tongue"

Hopefully that's the case, but one of the people who I think is a good person actually sees her outside college, and along with another have formed a regular study group Everyone seems relaxed and chummy with her. Admittedly I really tried to like her so made a massive effort a few weeks back so I would've looked chummy even when I wasn't, but I can't fake it any more. Really early on I thought she'd be the one I'd have problems with because, and this sounds odd I know, she was the most friendly with everyone and in my experience they're usually the worst weirdly enough. I can't suss her out though because she often offers me food (maybe she's trying to fatten me up with biscuits, LOL), and have thought many times that she tries to buy friends (we all got a Christmas gift, and she's the one that will get cards for us to sign if it's a classmates birthday. She's a first rate networker that's for sure.

How on earth she's going to get on as a midwife I can't imagine; give it a few years and her victims will be posting their horror stories here

Why don't you tell her that you just don't get her, one minute you are so rude and the next you are being so nice, I don't really know who you are.

Can you get hold of a copy of a mail on Sunday You magazine from last Sunday? There was a really good article about a woman who was being bullied by her lecturer and some of the advice would probably be useful to you.
I love the Daily Mail so no apology from me!

Get the others onside. I assume she is horrible to them sometimes too.

Notice when she is rude to someone else and call her on it calmly and publicly.

Be silent and give the face if she is horrid to you.

You will be the most popular person ever and they will turn on her.

I'd have to tackle her, especially as she was talking about you behind your back after the lesson.

Just try to catch her on her own and say something like "Did I upset you the other day when I asked a question in the lesson, only some of the others said you seemed a bit cross with me afterwards?". She will undoubtedly deny saying anything and say of course you haven't upset her etc etc, but at least you have pulled her up on her behaviour and let her know that others have told you what she's said.

She sounds horrible.

As some posters have said I'd have to tackle her. I'm tempted to say laugh at her like she's pathetic but that might back fire.
You have to squash her down and rise above her. The faces is a good one, or just front up and tell her to back off, you're not a child and she's acting like a school girl bully. Let her know her comments DO bother you and she better stop.

Oh dear. It's so much easier for men: we just have a fight behind the bins.
Head tilting and/or stoneface are pretty good.

Depends on what you are like as a person but I'd pull her up every single time she was rude to me, she'd soon get sick of it and give up.

She won't be popular, people will just be giving her lip service so she doesn't turn on them. She must be a very unhappy person and I also agree, she's jealous of you.

There's always one in a class.

I recently started a course, really nervous because I'm older, haven't studied for years, am usually exhausted.

And within a couple of weeks there was one person who just seemed to be whispering about me, giggling behind me in the corridor. I found her in the cafe with a couple of others once and asked her which room we were in and she was just really nastily rude about it - as though I were a poo she'd trodden in and how dare I speak to her.

Normally I'd get really upset in this situation and sort of close in. But on dh's advice (who everybody seems to like) I just carried on as if nothing had happened and totally ignored her. She's one to always be making a joke in class or commenting, but my face was just dead pan to anything she said. I also continued to try and get to know some of the others in the class, by making sure I spoke to a range of people, asked them about themselves.

About a month later the teacher overheard her being unpleasant to somebody else and after than was just really quite curt with her. He ridiculed her questions and basically put her back in her place.

The rest of the class seem to be wary of her now - I think just realising she's upsetting the applecart for no reason and causing bad feeling.

So I'd say pretend it hasn't happened, carry on being yourself and eventually she'll shoot herself in the foot.

Interestingly this person was also the very chatty one, wanting to link up with others on FB in the first lesson, suggesting nights out. She's quite quiet now.

I've had the displeasure of working with people like this, a girl both times & it wouldn't be fair to call them anything other than total c**ts. Some suggestions could be:

• vandalise their car discreetly (this is not serious but thinking about stuff like this can be satisfying)
• ignore them
• be incredible confrontational at the next opportunity and get completely in the bully's face saying something like "why don't you shut your mouth if you haven't got anything useful to say"
• Or bring some cakes into the class to share out to get everyone on side

I find an expression of undisguised contempt or even disgust on your face works well. And I mean really UNDISGUISED. Like you're listening to the lowest pond scum, or smelling a rotting rat.

Or you could just say, conversationally and pleasantly, if she says something nasty in front of other people, "Are you always such a cunt?"

Wow, thanks so much for the responses! Too many to reply individually but I'm so grateful for your input.

I had a chat with my brilliant tutor today about how best to handle it and she pretty much said what you're saying; it depends on what I'm like as to what I'll feel comfortable doing. I hate confrontation and bad feeling if I can't escape the situation so will most likely opt for the "look" and maybe an accompanied "erm, no need to be rude" if it happens again.

She was noticeably nice to me today (although I blanked her until lunchtime), and I do get a sense that she's desperate to be liked but lets cheekiness drift into rudeness. She's full of "banter". She's also mentioned many times how her mother reminds her to think before speaking. This might be a valuable course for both of us, and not just academically; her to learn to rein herself in and keep her gob shut, and me to handle wankers. Every cloud has a silver lining and all that