Compulsive need to be liked

[Allyouneedispug]

I know that this is a ridiculous problem and I'm so angry with myself for letting it bother me so much.

Essentially, I used to be extremely close with a colleague. Nothing sleazy at all, just great friends. We'd work on projects, go running, meet for drinks (with other colleagues) and I thought we were a solid pair.

I got pregnant and, since then, this colleague completely ignores me. Think walking out of the room when I enter, deliberately choosing seats miles from me at tables (when no-one else is there), refusing to engage with any conversation, respond to emails, blocking me on social media etc.

This has been going on for 18 months and I switch between not caring and obsessing over it. I really dislike the new him (the one who has got a wee anti-me clique and ensures that I am left out of everything) but I can't help missing the old friend.

I've reached out a few times, leaving a few months in between each effort. I've written him a letter and he should have got it today. I'm not expecting a favourable, if any, response. Chances are he would have chucked it in the bin without ever reading it.

The main reason why I'm writing is because I can't seem to let it go. I dread work because I'm made to feel so isolated by him and his cronies (all of whom he used to moan about constantly) but I love my job so am going nowhere. I suppose if I wasn't faced with it every day, it would just be a case of writing if off but when it's staring you in the face all the time, it's hard to let go.

I've never had someone hate me before. I've had people dislike me and not particularly want to spend excessive time with me, but this is a new thing. I know I shouldn't care but it's driving me crazy. I would never treat someone like this, so what makes him think this is an appropriate way to treat a person?

I need someone to knock some sense into me. I need to stop trying to fix it and salvage the relationship and just accept that he's a twat and that this is how work is going to be. It's just so difficult because he's never once told me why he hates me.

its pretty difficult to do something unforgivable, and not notice
as anything that could be misinterpreted is just that - and would be something a true friend would question in their own mind.
ie
"Did she really mean to be so rude or did I get the wrong end of the stick? after all she is my friend.
This however sounds like deliberate behaviour and if its prompted by - most likely - jealousy - then its because this "friend" didnt really share what they were thinking or perhaps they feel their life is on a different path than yours now and resent your change of focus

Lots of new parents lose childless friends as they find it really difficult to cope with the different priorities the other has. So dont take it personally - they just cant cope with something and are dealing with it badly, probably protecting them self in some way from being hurt.

Male friend?

That sounds awful! I think you are being hard on yourself in your title: this isn't about a compulsive need to be liked, this is trying to deal with someone else's irrational, unpleasant, childish behaviour.

It would be hard if anyone was treating you like this at work, let alone someone who was formerly close to you.

If your pregnancy was the trigger, is there a possibility that he was entertaining the possibility of a relationship with you, and took your pregnancy as a rejection in some way? Or he saw you as two against the world and reacted badly when your pregnancy made it clear your priorities have changed?

I concede that second guessing what on earth is going on in his head is very difficult if he refuses point blank to discuss it. Plus it's clear he's just not very nice!

If you don't want to find another job (and why should you, given it's his unreasonable behaviour), is there any chance of broaching the subject with HR or your manager: freezing you out is presumably also denting both your abilities to get work done. Failing that, would any of his "cronies" be more approachable, or is there anyone more neutral who night be able to mediate something?

Good luck!

Yeah, it's a guy.

Thanks for the replies. I don't want to go to HR as the complaint is so childish "Sir, Sir, he's ignoring me!!!". Fortunately, I can avoid the majority of contact as my office is on the other side of the building but that's part of the problem. I'm physically isolated so I never really see anyone unless it's for meetings, therefore never really get the chance to be part of 'the crowd'. It never bothered me before but now everyone I walk into a room or lead a meeting I feel under constant scrutiny.

I did think that perhaps he thought I was leading him on. There was never anything remotely romantic between us; we spoke about deeply personal things and If I'm honest, I told him things that I hadn't confided in many people, but I'm married and always have been. I keep my home and work life separate and maybe that's sent him the wrong message. Even still, why am I being punished for something that is his mistake? If this wEre the other way around, I know id take a step back but in wouldn't be such a prick about it.

I guess he wasn't really that nice a guy to begin with.

Ahh, sorry I thought he was refusing to answer work emails, hence the HR suggestion.

Maybe he was busy projecting pleasant things to you during your friendship, masking his dickishness? Either way, it's not nice to realise you've been duped. He sounds like he might be a bit of an entitled prick from the way he's acting.

I know it's hard, but trying to puzzle it out logically won't get you anywhere because (a) he won't tell you the real reason even if you figure it out and (b) he isn't doing things logically.

It's really not you, it's him!

I think he had a crush on you - and thought it was reciprocated. Your pregnancy made him realise that actually your marriage was good, that the crush wasn't reciprocated, and he's angry and a twat.

Are there other people working there who you could arrange to see out of work - find a way to get back in a crowd, even if it's not the original crowd? Focus on the friendships you do have, and this lost friendship will matter less.

Is there any possibility you could move offices to be less isolated?