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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm new need some help please

14 replies

jolilykins · 22/01/2015 15:46

Hi

Can someone give me advice that's maybe been in the same situation.

I have been with my husband 14 years married for 8 and we have two girls (5,3). I have loved him so much but in the last year my feelings for him have changed. I don't feel the connection anymore i'm not attracted to him in anyway he actually makes me crawl a bit, sounds so wrong to feel like that.

We had a huge argument a couple of months ago where he accused me of having an affair because I wasn’t close to him anymore. I was hurt he would think that of me, I have really tried to love him but I’m sick of putting on the smile and pretending everything is perfect.

He is really mean and always angry with our eldest daughter he shouts at her for nothing she is a good girl and I hate seeing her so upset. He then shouts at me for being too soft with her she’s a baby not a teenager and should be treated like a child. She said to me last week ‘mummy I wish I lived somewhere else because daddy scares me and he’s always shouting’ broke my heart. That’s when I knew staying together for the kids is not the way forward.

My parents have never commented on our relationship but my mum took me aside during the week and asked what has happened, the joy and sparkle have disappeared from me.

Over and over in my head I have been working out can I afford to rent somewhere, afford bills, what days/night will I allow my husband to have the girls. Even as far as sorting something out with work so I can finish earlier to spend more time with the girls.

I feel I need to leave because I know he won’t I have always kept my mouth shut to have an easy life but I’m done with that. It’s time I spoke up and done what is best for me and my kids.

Thanks for reading, I’m so confused

OP posts:
fairylightsbackintheloft · 22/01/2015 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heyho111 · 22/01/2015 17:12

Your feelings for him have disappeared because of the way he is with your d. The more he is unfair to her the more you dislike him.
You have two options.
1- tell him his behaviour towards d is unacceptable. For your relationship to continue he needs to get professional help via a councellor and to go on a parenting course. You can then see if he can change and if you can begin to mend your relationship.
2- leave if you think he can't or won't change or your relationship is beyond repair.
What ever you do don't leave the situation for your d sake.

Jan45 · 22/01/2015 17:16

How can you have feelings for a man that bullies a small child, for your daughter's sake, get out now or she will be scarred for life.

woowoo22 · 22/01/2015 19:06

If you read the thread Jan she said she HAD feelings for him.

Hope you can leave OP and as soon as you can. Your kids will be so relieved. As will you.

Coyoacan · 23/01/2015 03:15

Well, hopefully the experts will be along soon, but it sounds like you need to see a solicitor first. Apparently you can get a free half-hour consultation.

Soon your eight-year-old will be old enough to be able to decide on her own whether or not she wants to spend time with her daddy.

Original poster
jolilykins · 23/01/2015 09:44

Thanks for your replies.

Your right that making the decision to leave is the hardest bit. I think he might have an idea that I’m thinking about it. He has been ‘too nice’ if you know what I mean, but then I get paid on Saturday so he’s probably looking money.

I’m going to talk to my mum to see if she can put me and the kids up for a while until I get sorted with somewhere to live and that. I believe I’m making the right decision for my sanity and for my girls.

14 years together I never thought this would happen to us we used to be so happy. I think now you look back over your relationship and you see all the warning signs we should never have gotten over the first year but I was only 16 when we met he was 21 and he couldn’t do wrong in my eyes love is blind eh girls. Only good thing to come out of our relationship is our kids they are my world.

OP posts:
gatewalker · 23/01/2015 12:10

If you met when you were 16, OP, you would have hardly known yourself let alone getting started on knowing someone else. We change as we get older, and sometimes relationships move with those changes, and sometimes they don't.

I always remember the words of analyst and author Marion Woodman, who, when discussing marriage with her (now late) husband said that they both agreed that they had really had four different marriages over the time that they were together: as they both grew, their relationship shed another skin.

The alternative is either stagnation, or making oneself fit into what no longer works. Both of which are a kind of death. I think it's better to accept that sometimes things change beyond the scope of any relationship to hold. It might set you both free.

Coyoacan · 23/01/2015 13:37

Do get some legal advice, OP, please, as I say, at least the free half-hour. Re. the family home, for example.

Original poster
jolilykins · 23/01/2015 13:49

What i'm scared of is that he won't let me go. He thinks that when your married that's it no going back you stay together no matter what. His parents were brought up in the time when you did just stay together and they should not be together i would go as far to say they hate each other.

So many things are going through my mind what if he makes life difficult with the kids, will my kids be ok, how will i afford the bills on my own but i know i can do it. When i say to myself do i want to be here in 14 years 'No', a year 'No', a month 'No' I know its the best thing to do.

OP posts:
gatewalker · 23/01/2015 15:51

OP - How about starting to see your leaving differently? It has nothing to do with him "letting you go" - that's your sense of disempowerment in action right there rather than the reality of things. He cannot stop you.

You'll be fine. Just take things step by step

Original poster
jolilykins · 23/01/2015 16:04

Thanks gatewalker.

I've tried to leave before but he talked me round and i've really tried but there's no stopping me now. I've made my decision.

I'm so glad i have found this forum and reading the other threads i know i'm not alone.

OP posts:
gatewalker · 23/01/2015 18:12

Yayyyyy, you! Flowers

It takes time, and sometimes it'll feel like one step forward, two steps back, but if you keep going, you will get there.

GloopySoupy · 23/01/2015 18:16

You don't have to talk to him this time when you leave. You could do all discussions by email, have a grandparent or someone else hand the children over for contact.

Lots of people here have done that, maybe some will advise you how to manage it.

It only takes one person to end a marriage. The other person has no choice but to go along with it. If he walked out, you couldn't stop him could you? Same thing for you.

dalmatianmad · 23/01/2015 20:42

You've made the hardest decision, just take it one step at a time and look after yourself and the dc.
He'll be very bitter and angry at first but that will pass, you and the dc will settle in a happy family unit of 3 before long.
Hope you've got lots of real life support, sounds like you might need it especially in the beginning.

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