Should I say something or leave it alone?

[GingerPuddin]

DH's father was diagnosed with cancer and starts chemo Monday. It really sucks, and understandably DH is really upset. I'm doing my MA and I have a presentation on Fri. I've been really stressed about it and asked DH to come home after work today so I can work on it. I'm at home with DS 3.6 all day so can't get much done while he's awake (no naps). DH normally goes to the gym on Thurs evenings, but I asked since I really need a hand tonight if he could go tomorrow or yesterday (he didn't). he said no since he needs this to keep him sane. Normally I wouldn't mind, but I'm so stressed. But I know he's really struggling.

Am I being unreasonable to want help tonight? I'm really hurt that he has been really distant since the diagnoses and I feel like I can't talk to him about anything that's bothering me. If I try he gets upset and says he's stressed enough without me adding to it. I'm really upset since I don't really have any one else to talk to about things.

So do I push it and have it lead to tears and upset or just hold it in since he's got so much other stuff going on?

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Life still goes on even with a sick parent. You can't suddenly divest responsibility to the other people in your life just because you're dealing with difficult stuff.

Guys tend to go distant rather than talk when dealing with stuff, so I wouldn't worry about that, that's just his coping strategy.

But none of this has any bearing on the fact that you need childcare help tonight. He should come home tonight and go to the gym tomorrow night, that's perfectly reasonable.

Thank you. I'm just not sure where the line is right now.
I just feel so unsupported and like he doesn't even realize I'm a real person with feelings. I just got off the phone with him and I'm in tears since he's still going to the gym but his mates can't go. Part of the reason I didn't fight him too much about tonight was that he said being with his mates helps. He just didn't even seem concerned about me or anything. He got shirty and hung up when I wasn't into bantering with him.
Just feeling pissed off and let down. My mom didn't help earlier this week when she called and basically said the stress was my own fault since I did invite her over earlier. She lives overseas and is coming on mon for a couple of weeks to help with DS while I write another essay. She wanted to come for longer but I put my foot down. Just not what I need.

Sorry to rant but I need to let it out and I don't have anyone here I can talk to.

He should have gone yesterday if it was that vital to him, then.

Or tomorrow after work would have been fine with me.
I'm also a bit pissed that I've taken Sunday off work since I worked all last weekend and I have something this sat so we could have a family day. His first response was great I can take some time and go for a hike or something by myself. Really pissed me off.
Reading all this back makes him sound like a real charmer but he's really hurt me. I just feel like he doesn't give a shiney shit about me. But if I confront him with this he'll say about how much stress he's under and how upset he is about his dad. Don't know what to say or how to handle it.

Can you get a short notice agency baby sitter for a couple of hours?

He may be upset, but life goes on and his wife and child need him too.
It may be worth pointing out that at this rate he will lose you.

DH should be home about 8ish so I'll do stuff then. I just wanted to do it earlier but it'll happen eventually. Actually if I do it once he's home I can avoid dealing with him for a while. Maybe I'll calm down a bit.

It will be interesting to see exactly how much help and support he gives his dad (ie cooking for him, cleaning his house while he's having treatment, giving up his evenings to sit with him and make sure he's OK) throughout this time.

He's not coming across as a very loving man, OP, sorry.

FIL lives in another country so there isn't much physical care but DH has been on the phone with him several times a day and with his mum. He's also spent loads of time researching treatments.

We had it out last night. Lots of tears (mine) but I think he now realizes how much he hurt me. He's promised to communicate more. Will see of it lasts.
Thank you for listening and letting me get things off my chest.

Fingers crossed.

Can he go back out the gym once ds is in bed.

Mm. I presume FIL is the first of the parents to be under a possible death sentence? It's very very hard to process the fact that not only a constant presence isn't going to be there much longer, but you yourself are mortal.
for both of you.

I actually think, based on the info you've given, you are possibly being a bit unreasonable.