Think I might have ADHD and could this explain a catalogue of disastrous relationships and friendships?

[ShabbyShan]

Obviously I don't truly know how other people get through life but I have always felt different in ways I can't explain. I never had friends as a child, I just used to irritate everyone by acting stupid, being childish and just "not getting it". I used to drive family members crazy by doing stupid pointless stuff like mashing up a bar of soap, ruining wallpaper or purposely staining carpets (my favourite was to stain the same bit of carpet over and over again). As I got older I started getting impulses to do really stupid and dangerous things, one of which was setting fire to an out building at the school (someone else put it out, I would have let it burn to the point of no return). During lessons I just stared out of the window daydreaming and as a result I left school with few decent gcse's (other than a c in English and a b in art).

Anyway all these characteristics have continued right into my 30s, I just keep a better lid on them now. I still can't make friends, I still daydream when I'm supposed to be paying attention, I still get the urge to do stupid things (last year I had the urge to swim to a nearby island in a country known for dangerous waters despite not being a great swimmer. I did it and thank god lived to tell the tale. I still deface magazines and signs at work because I just can't fight the urge if I think I can get away with it and I just cannot make decisions to save my life. My head feels like a jumbled up ball of fragments. I can change my mind multiple times within minutes. What do you reckon? Could there be something actually undiagnosed? I also get the urge to scream randomly , if I'm in company I can get away with I do occasionally scream and make it out to be a joke. If I can't, I feel physical shivers as I try to resist it. I'm sure/positive people think I'm weird. I'm mid 30s, never been married, am now engaged by cycle constantly in my head between "I love him" and "I hate him" like a teenager. I drive MYSELF mad.

Visit the GP, explain your symptoms. I have no idea what the diagnostic criteria for ADHD is and how it presents in adults but your GP should have a rough idea of whether your symptoms sound like something (a "condition", "disorder", whatever) and who to refer, or whether they can set up some other sort of help to manage the bits causing you trouble in day to day life.

It certainly sounds like there's reason for speaking to your gp about this. Ds has ADHD and the inability to curb any impulse is really obvious, he is now on medication and our lives are completely transformed. There was no point in disciplining him before as any consequence was already too late and the next time he could not remember the consequence in order to stop himself the next time. Even if could he could remember I guess the urge to do whatever inappropriate thing was just too great- no matter what the consequences.
Dh is undiagnosed but def has it. He makes silly noises/makes up words all the time and is terribly impulsive. Fortunately, he doesn't have the urges you describe to do potentially dangerous things like the fire and swimming you talk about.
If you decide to go to the gp I would certainly mention the fact that you often put yourself in dangerous situations despite knowing the risks. Also, mention if anyone else in your family has similar characteristics. Gp will be looking to see if the impulses are coming from a mental health problem or actually from ADHD. This can be tricky to figure out in adults particularly as a lifetime of feeling different and of always getting everything 'wrong' will mess with your head just as much as the ADHD yourself.
If you have any ADHD support groups in your area, contact them. They will understand and have great advice for you.

People with ADHD have some of these traits but not all you mention.

Have you had a look at support groups online info such as ADDERS?

Being destructive is not a sign of ADHD. Impulsive behaviour and not being aware of the consequences - personal and public safety- yes, but causing harm and destroying things for the thrill of it, no.

I have worked with children with ADHD and most of what you describe does not ring any bells.

You need to go to your GP and if necessary write all of this down for them to read. I think you have mental health / personality / behavioural problems that will need to be treated with perhaps medication and behavioural management by a psychiatrist. I hope you find help soon.

p.s some of your behaviour is akin to Tourettes- anti social behaviour that cannot be controlled- but you need a medic to diagnose you.

pps- Tourettes is more about uncontrollable tics and similar movements, and sounds- grunts etc- but some people with Tourettes swear aloud to shock people, and do other attention-seeking things that they cannot control.

Did you never have any assessment in your childhood when for example you set fire to a building? Were you not referred to the child development centre?

Why do you hate him when you feel you hate him? Your fiancé I mean.