Struggles with my husband... potential new house

[MotherDuck23]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together for 5, 4 of which we have lived together. We started thinking about children but at present am seeing a consultant as I will have difficulty conceiving due to health issues. My issue is that he doesn't help me and I'm unwilling to bring children into the mix, even though I'm desperate to have one (if I can).

For 2 years, we lived with his parents. He pretty much didn't do anything around the house, but I was never sure it was because his mum babied him and did everything for him or because he was lazy - either way, I figured the sooner we got out the better. Shortly after we married, we managed to find somewhere (finding somewhere where we live is really difficult due to the location and cost of places). We've lived on our own in this house for a year and a half.

For the last year and a half, I have witnessed my husband become more and more of a slob, despite my constant efforts to get him to help me and just generally interact with people more. I've offered to help him, begged him, pleaded with him, showered him with compliments just for doing some washing up to see if being positive about what he does do helps (it doesn't), nagged him, given him ultimatums. You name it, I've tried it. I'm so worn out with wanting him to change his ways and trying to come up with new solutions.

When we moved out of his parents, he promised he would help me and be a model husband. Now I'm a bit older and wiser and am aware that when men say they will change, they won't. Wish I'd figured that out back then, but I didn't, so here we are.

I'm feeling really resentful of the fact that I work full time and often overtime and have to keep the house on my own. He hasn't done a load of washing since we've moved in. I've tried leaving it but his mum who can be very interfering comes over when he's there and I'm not there and does it, regardless of if I ask her not to. She's aware of the problem but instead of helping me fix it is taking on what should be my husband's share of the chores, helping me clean the house and things, because I simply can't do it all and work and deal with the health problems I have which affect me mentally and physically.

I sat down with my husband a week ago and told him this was our last chance, if things didn't change our marriage wouldn't work. We'd been through this before and he'd change for a short while and then it would go back to normal. This time, he's started helping me (I say helping, more like leaving his clothes by the washing machine instead of all over the house and washing up without being asked) but it's a start. The difference is, we now have an opportunity to view a new flat (ours is full of damp and needs renovating). I really want it, but I'm not sure I want my husband to move in with me. I love him but feel like I can't keep meeting his needs like this. He's made an improvement in a week so I feel bad for feeling like this, but am worried he will slip back into his old ways.

What should I do? Explain how I feel (at risk of him being very hurt, he is very sensitive and says he can't imagine a life without me) and explain that he has to keep this up to move in with me? I'm just not sure of what to do and hate feeling like this, like I'm a terrible person for wanting to be on my own - I just feel so resentful and it's beginning to impact on our relationship, should I keep hiding it and keep trying and just hope for the best? I've always been the kind of person who thinks marriage is for life, and not to fall at the first hurdle, but I can't face 10 or 20 more years of this - I feel like I'll burn out soon if I carry on.

Do you really think he can change?

He wont ever change.

You need to decide if you want to put up with a lazy and disrespectful slob and his interfering mum or not. (On a side note, who do you think will care for his parents, and help them when they start getting on in years? That'l be you)

If I were you, I wouldnt. I would not be married to such a man, and most certainly not bring a child into it.

When he says he cant imagine a life without you, he is nothing but words. Look at how he behaves! The best indicator of future behaviour is PAST behaviour.

Could you afford to live alone? If you've given him another ultimatum you have to mean it (pointless otherwise?) if you do mean it, can afford it, but want to give him a chance...move in together but only have your name on the tenancy? I am not sure if that covers things legally but it'd certainly show how serious you are. And obviously it makes things easier if he slips back and you split. I'm not convinced he can change, but given your previous attempts and mention of an ultimatum (which you didnt follow through with) I would hazard a guess that he hasn't taken it seriously.

You've asked him to do his fair share and he is currently doing the bare minimum. My teen contributes more to the housework than your DH does.

He's had more than one opportunity to sort himself out. You are not his mother. The housework is not your job. He is not "helping you", he is equally responsible for all tasks and instead he leaves you to do them all

I don't think he's going to change. I would move into the new place alone. This is not a fair and equal relationship, this is not a man I would want to rely on and help me with small children or post-birth or anytime I needed him to step up. That's not a compromise I would be willing to make.

Do you really want to be with a person who says they cant live without you? Putting a lot of pressure on you. And its a bit needy.

What you want is someone confident and self sufficient. It sounds like your partner is doing the bare minimum to keep you, and he will fall back into his old ways.

What about moving on your own, temporarliy with a view to him moving in with you in 6 months time if he has shown enough improvement?

Your username is interesting as well. Youve seen how he behaves at his mothers house, chances are that this will be your relationship once you are married, he will want you to replace his mother.

he is very sensitive and says he can't imagine a life without me

Right - that's your biggest red flag right there. He is a lazy lump right? This is an adult who would watch his mother do his share of the household upkeep against his wife's wishes, rather than elect to do a damn thing himself. What a disgrace.

Then he has the audacity to say he couldn't live with you - insinuating great passion, strength of feeling, a deep love. Obviously one that doesn't stretch to getting off his arse though.
Beware the person who can't live without you. It's not through the love of you but rather himself. He doesn't care if you are run ragged...you serve him very nicely.
Those passionate words make you think it's you he loves, and also have the added advantage of feeling responsible for his happiness.

I am sure he is terribly sensitive...about himself.

I'd take the flat solo, but it's up to you. x

Thanks for your help everyone. I do love him and no, I've not followed through with ultimatums because of this (plus I used to be terrified of being left on my own... I've since got much stronger and know now I'd be fine). I think the reason I haven't is because his family is very close and now that I'm one of them they treat me like a daughter so I'd be feeling like I'm letting them down. They keep offering to buy me things like a dishwasher to make my life easier but it's got to the stage where throwing money at it isn't going to mend it.

I'm going to have a good chat with him tonight, hopefully he'll listen as usually when I try and have a serious discussion it usually comes back on me being the one who isn't good enough/doesn't do what a good wife should.

I have a huge fear of upsetting people. It absolutely kills me if I upset or hurt someone, even if it's accidental (well it always is, I'd never set out to hurt anyone knowingly). I've been in relationships before when I've not loved the person I was with but they loved me, and rather than end it I'd just pretend... not fair on them I know, but I didn't want to hurt them.

To the person who said I had an interesting username... there is a story there... I've always been called the mother duck since I was at college, always being the one to look after my friends and take anyone under my wing, and I'm still the same now at work. Plus I have the cutest pet ducks! Hopefully one day my dream of being a mum will come true, can only hope.

Okay bit more info. He's not just a lazy arse, if he's always turning blame onto you. I originally thought he was just plain lazy/messy. Now he sounds entitled and misogynistic.

I love you, OP, I can't live without you.
You are the most beautiful woman, and I'd do anything for you.

Now, come and do MY housework!

Words are cheap - and actions expensive. You are worth his words, but not his actions.

Leave him.

So he is lazy and does not even appreciate what you are doing for him? Out of interest, what is it that a "good wife" should do according to him? Be his slave?

I have to say I can't imagine that working full time, keeping the house on your own and looking after a baby or two, would be easy.

I would certainly think twice about having children if not moving out. Who will be cooking meals when you've been up all night with a baby? Not him.

Don't believe LovesPeace, OP, I love you more

However, clearly this isn't going to improve without radical action. Your entire attitude to this is wrong. You are equal partners in the house and the marriage. Cleaning the house is not your responsibility with him 'lending a hand' as and when he can be arsed. And frankly leaving clothes by the machine is not lending a hand anyway.

If his family actually treated you like a daughter, by the way, I think they'd be furious on your behalf that you're with such a piss-taker.

How does he make this all about you and your failings as a 'good wife'? Suggests to me he thinks this is all your responsibility and he shouldn't have to do any of it.

he is very sensitive

Is he? Is he really? Not sensitive enough to pick up on the fact he's upsetting you deeply, is he?

I'm sure I've seen similar posts before.

OP - how old are you?
Is your husband employed ?
Where in the UK do you live [goes to employment status]?

I was with someone like this for 7 yrs - through uni and beyond. He was employed, solvent but as lazy as sin. Had a mother that ran around after him and he refused to lift a finger. Lived at home until I dumped him and as far as I know (14 yrs later) he still does (though mother deceased)

Assuming you can afford the new flat on your own, I would go ahead and secure it in your own name only. Before you do that, ensure that your salary is no longer paid into a joint account and you can separate your finances and not fall into arrears.

You will need to give notice on your existing flat. So he has 30/60/90 days to keep up the good work. I doubt very much that he will in which case he can tootle back to his mums place or find somewhere new to live. If your notice period is only 30 days (add on a bit extra while they do credit checks on you etc for the new flat) that doesn't give you a lot of time to "test" him.

If he is financially dependent on you, I'd make an apt to see a solicitor.

I totally understand your statements that you don't want to upset people. I was a total doormat for most of my youth, because I was terrified of upsetting someone and hurting their feelings.

But you know - if the other person cares about you, and is interested in your well-being, they actually want to know how their actions affect you. They want to hear how they can make your life nicer, easier, more pleasant.

If they don't and only attack you, when you mention any issues - should you really care about their feelings?

He's not a husband more of a liability.

He says he can't imagine life without you, of course he can't, he simply cannot imagine life where there wasn't a woman doing everything for him, it's all he's ever known. He'd have to learn to cope on his own.

It's not you who would be letting his family down, he's completely failed to adapt to adult life. And that's partly his mother's fault.

Caring so much what others think of you is a sign of insecurity, it implies you are creating your sense of self from other people's opinions. In the past you'd rather a live a lie to retain someone's good opinion. You need to strengthen your sense of self and learn that your opinion in matters relating to yourself is more important than other peoples.

I hope you go on to have children OP, you sound like you would make a great mum.

I can assure you though that if you have children with your current partner you will come to resent having to be mother to both your partner and your child. Your partner should be able to be self sufficient.

You really need to get this sorted soon, otherwise you will need to think if you can be in a relationship like this. Its probably just about bearable while you dont have children, but if you do have children then his lazyness will fill you with increasing rage, and thats not healthy for you, your child or the relationship.

If he really loved you, then he would be looking to help and make things easier for you.

I'm going to have a good chat with him tonight, hopefully he'll listen as usually when I try and have a serious discussion it usually comes back on me being the one who isn't good enough/doesn't do what a good wife should.

You can't win with this, and you really need to end it and stop giving him chances. His version of a good wife is actually a slave. He thinks he's entitled to sit and do nothing while you do everything. Because he believes that, all his measures to 'help' you will only ever be limp and short-lived. Ultimately if you make him do more he'll just think you're a bad wife, blame you and feel sorry for himself.

He's blown all the chances he had, you need to stop wasting your life on this loser and start afresh.

I wouldnt so far as to tell you that you need to do this or that. But do you really want to be with a partner you have to keep reminding every few weeks or months to stop being a slob.

And the fact that it turns back on you is even worse.

This wouldnt be acceptable in a teenager, never mind an adult.

He's a lazy inconsiderate git, he's well aware of what you do and well aware of what he does - FA.

You either shut up and put up or do something about it, you've talked 'til you are blue in the face, move on without him, let him live on his own and see if he can actually behaviour like an adult, until then nothing will change for you. He must be having the life of Riley.

I do disagree though that if he loved you he would be helping - I think he has been a lazy git all his life, it's all he knows, trying to change into someone else is obviously impossible for him, because fundamentally he doesn't want to, well, you don't want to spend the rest of your life living with a slob - there's your answer.

I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, but he is a lazy good-for-nothing and always will be. When we are with someone we love we do our best to help them, make them happy and go out of our way to be the best we can be for them. Does he do that for you? 'No' and if he hasn't so far he never will. Get out now before it's too late and you are stuck with him and a baby.

You will find someone else who cares for you and will put you first rather than themselves.