How to help DD

[Snowsquonk]

My eldest is 16. We sent her to a secondary school in the next town (owing to the local ones being appalling at the time) - we thought she settled well but when her younger sister went to the same school and sailed through Year 7, eldest finally opened up and said how miserable she had been in Year 7 and how hard she finds making friendships.

Fast forward, I thought she had a good friendship group but recently she has started to question this. Her best friend seems to only want to know her during school time as she has a group of cousins and non-school friends that she socialises with at weekends.

Best friend recently sat in dinnerhall with DD, talking to another friend and organising a shopping trip with her (and not DD) on Sat. DD felt excluded but lacks the confidence to say "oh, I'd love to come along" because she feels she's imposing and that BF should invite her along.

I am struggling with how to help, other than lots of listening. She is quiet and worries about what others might think of her, so is unwilling to explain to BF that she felt excluded, even though I've said if BF doesn't KNOW then how can she expect her to change? Or maybe BF is just someone who has school friends and other friends outside school?

DD is not a joiner of clubs - bad experience of being bullied at Brownies meant for several years she would not entertain the thought of a group-activity outside of school. She's now looking into joining a gym or yoga class and will be leaving school for college in Sept.

I suppose what I'm hoping for are some suggestions I can give her for how to get to know people at college so she gets a wider circle of friends. When I was her age we were in and out of each other's houses at weekends because we all lived in the same area - different for her, she can get a bus to where her friends live but that's a bit more than just popping round on the off-chance someone is in...

You say she's not into group things, but what about helping out? My dd became a senior at brownies so helped out with activities etc, and this brought her out quite a lot, and gave her confidence.
She also did bell ringing at the local church, so a group thing but with people of all ages.
Try to encourage her to expand herself at weekends, sitting waiting for her bf to invite her along will just emphasise the disappointment for her.
Also, now she's 16, what about a little job? Again, confidence boost and a bit of pocket money.
Help her realise she's better than the Bf and doesnt need her.

When you're a child you're thrust into situations where you are pretty powerless and bullying is rife among children, but from now on she can choose her friendship groups so you can tell her that it's easier to avoid bullying the older you get.
I definitely agree with MairyHinge that getting a job would be a brilliant move for her. She'd be treated like an adult and would be with other like-minded, responsible teenagers.

Does your DD give off the wrong vibes? I'm wondering if the reason the BF didn't invite her along is because she (the friend) thinks it's something your DD wouldn't want to do, because she's refused other invitations. Y'know, that way when all you want to do is stay home because you're unhappy, which leads to you refusing invitations, so then people stop asking you? I guess I'm trying to work out if the BF is really that thoughtless!

I like the idea of helping out, too, as the PP suggested. Or are there any youth groups in your area she could join? Lots of these are less about an organised activity, and more about teenagers having somewhere safe to mooch around with each other and chat (with a bit of table football thrown in).

I think part of the problem is that DD is so worried that other people will think she's imposing/desperate that she would rather say nothing than risk saying "I'm free Sat" - also I think she fears being rejected.

I agree a job would be a good idea - she loves gigs and is building a record collection which she needs to fund. I've also suggested she try asking a different friend if she fancies a trip to the cinema as they talk about films a lot - so not building everything around the best friend (who is a nice girl and I expect just assumes that DD is busy on Sat!)

She's not quite 16 but she could start looking around now, there's also a couple of places she could volunteer as well, so I will get her to look at that too.

Thanks.

YY to job. I got my first at 17 and was terrified because I had some anxiety but it helped so much. That or volunteering, perhaps? Easier to find a voluntary job maybe than paid.

Couldn't she invite people back to yours? Make yourself scarce and leave some pizza, etc? Easier than waiting for an invite.

My dd started helping at brownies when she was 14/15 and has only just stopped ( at 18).
It was a brownie group she didn't go to, so all brand new to her.
I asked her form tutor and head of community at school for help and ideas, and the form tutor got her into helpin at brownies. I'm afraid she is going to have to push herself a little bit at 16, but You can certainly ask around. And she needs to ask around herself.
Easier said than done but try not to do it for her, as she's heading off to college soon she needs to learn now how to 'stick her neck out'

If you're in the UK, the army/air/sea cadets would intruduce her to a new bunch of people, and do her confidence the world of good.

I second that, my dd tried air cadets for a while, and she did enjoy it, but became ill so had to stop going.
My dd's first job was looking after a friends daughter every other Saturday ( girl was 8/9 at the time and they would just go to town or bake)
Then she got a job working on a market stall but hated it as the woman who ran it didn't talk much, then she sacked dd for something ridiculous ( BUT it gave her some backbone!!)
Now she works in the local chippy a few hours a week, it's not much but it's character building.