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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's gone. It finally over

26 replies

FreeSpirit89 · 22/01/2015 01:39

As some of you may be aware, I've had a strained relationship with (d)partner for quite some time.

Well tonight it reached breaking point, he was shoving me in bed when I asked him to sleep on the sofa. Pulled the covers off me, then stood over me while I was in bed threatening to throw a cup of water at me.

I panicked and called the police. They came out and have sent him off somewhere else, and removed his keys from him.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. And just wanted somewhere to write it down. I'm free

OP posts:

Blackout234 · 22/01/2015 01:40

YAAAAAY.
Have a biscuit and a cuppa and dont you dare have him back!

Original poster

FreeSpirit89 · 22/01/2015 01:41

I'm not going to. Been so scared to do it the last few months, but it's done.

Couldn't fault the police at all, they were so nice. Made me feel comfortable and safe. X

OP posts:

MummyBeerest · 22/01/2015 01:42

Good for you!

Janice12D · 22/01/2015 01:42

well done ??

bunchoffives · 22/01/2015 01:54

I'm pleased for you Free but I think the biggest problem now is going to be your commitment to keeping him out.

Do you feel that you are really ready to end it for good this time?

Why not get some support from WA? Go on the Freedom Programme. Read the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why Does He Do That?'

Make a list of all the bad things and look at it when you wobble. And remember, yes there are good aspects to the relationship - if there weren't you wouldn't have stuck it out as long as you did - but the cycle of nastiness follows any snippets of good as surely as night follows day.

ShitHotAwesome · 22/01/2015 01:54

Well done. Hope the next chapter of your life will be very positive.

Original poster

FreeSpirit89 · 22/01/2015 01:58

Thank you bunchof. I will have a look at the book you recommend.

ATM, I feel nothing but relief. I have good friends around me. And family. I'm sure I will make the right choice when the time comes.

:) thank you for your kind words x

OP posts:

Notmeagain1 · 22/01/2015 02:08

Congratulations on the first step to a new life. Job very well done. You can now sleep a peaceful sleep without fear.

Coyoacan · 22/01/2015 03:53

Congratulations, OP. Onwards and upwards

Nolim · 22/01/2015 05:36

Good for you

Hissy · 22/01/2015 07:33

Well done, you have been very neve and done the right thing.

At the moment you are running on adrenaline, you will feel somewhat euphoric. The adrenaline will wane a bit, and you will wobble. Expect the wobble and dig deep and power through it.

It does get easier, it really does, keep talking to us, go and tell your gp and ask for counselling. This serves to help log it, which will help your case should you need it.

You're free, your daughters are free, unite together and keep it that way.

Well done.

Original poster

FreeSpirit89 · 22/01/2015 07:42

Thank you. Still feel strange today, have a lot to sort out. Going up to see my mum after the school run.

I've for to deal with money today., he took it all when he left. I wasn't prepared to start hiding some away.

I'm going to write down a list of the things he did and read that if I ever feel tempted to let him back. He was an abusive man.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2015 12:46

Tell the police right now that he took all your money.
Let them sort it out with him.
It's good that he's gone.
Definitely write that list and keep it on your fridge and look at it all the time.
Tell all your family and friends everything, then it's harder to give in.
Good luck.
Police... Get that money back.

bettyboop1970 · 22/01/2015 14:29

Good for you.
I hope the shit leaves you alone.

babygiraffe86 · 22/01/2015 14:35

well done - the courage it took to make that call is your first step towards your new life. :)

Original poster

FreeSpirit89 · 22/01/2015 14:42

The money is his wages, in his bank account. I have no right to it do I? We weren't married and my son isn't his son.

He's already texted me today, asking if I'm ok. And that he hopes this isn't final, he wishes to talk.

I can't go back to being threatened when I don't do as he wishes. It's hard though. I've been packing his things away all afternoon.

I'll be picking up my son soon. What do I say to him

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 22/01/2015 14:52

Well then no not really you aren't.
Don't talk to him.
Just go NC for now until you feel stronger.
He's want to get in quick to get you round before your resolve is strengthened.
Just text back that it's definitely over and you have nothing more to say.
Only communicate then about his belongings.
You owe him nothing.
Time to be kind to yourself and cut him off.

GoatsDoRoam · 22/01/2015 15:01

Good thinking calling the police; glad they were helpful.

I would suggest you do not reply to his texts. He is now going to pull out every manipulation tactic there is, and you are vulnerable. The only way to escape a manimpulator's traps is simply not engage.

Practical issues can be sorted out later.

I would also recommend you ask one of the trusted friends or family who is supporting you right now (go them!) to read your text messages and emails first, to shield you from whatever it is he has to say. Or just straight-up block him from your phone and email.

I don't remember if you have kids in common? If you don't, then block him altogether. If you do, then find a system through a 3d party to arrange the practical details of contact with DC, his stuff, etc. But you need to be shielded from interaction with him.

rosiepinkcheeks · 22/01/2015 19:01

I havent read your previous posts. Just wanted to wish you well. And don't contact him. Stay strong.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/01/2015 19:06

I haven't read your previous posts but does he have another home? Is he named on your tenancy agreement/mortgage? You mention the police taking his keys from him which suggests that he doesn't actually live with you: if that's the case then don't worry.
If he is a co-tenant or co-owner of the house, you can still keep him out of it but you will need a court order - as you have had to call the police to remove him it won't be hard to get one.

Original poster

FreeSpirit89 · 22/01/2015 19:35

He was named as an occupier not a tenant, its something most social housing do know as a matter of precaution when someone moves in during the tenancy.

I shall be forever thankful for that.

This evening has been hard, I feel odd about it that I should be apologising to him, does that sound weird.

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 22/01/2015 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tipsytrifle · 22/01/2015 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

FreeSpirit89 · 22/01/2015 20:58

He hasn't really questioned it, didn't ask for him in the morning nor mentioned him after school. He has mentioned his step sister, that's going to be a hard one for him to swallow. He's 5. Mum tells me at that age, there robust and able to cope better than we think.

His parents have just been to collect some of his things, it defiantly feels more real, and in one sense a lot more like home again for me.

Thank you for your kind words.

OP posts:

whatsoccurring50 · 22/01/2015 21:05

Well done FreeSpirit.

My exDP did the same to me but he did throw water over me and then proceeded to pull me out of the bed. This all happened 10 months after being diagnosed with cancer, going through chemo and radio and my hair had started to grow back hence a night out and stay in a hotel where the above took place.

I understand being scared but thankfully after 3 more years of his emotionally abusive shit including in that time getting engaged and buying a dream house together - my confidence grew back with my hair and when one day at the end of 2008 he said he didn't want to be with me in 2009 I kept him to his comment and forced him to sell our dream house - much to his shock. He didn't really want to split up but said on a regular basis he did.

We still have contact due to having a DD but he is now on girlfriend number 4 and with all of them he has tried to get back with me. He has just proposed to the latest one but they haven't yet spent more than a week together apart from on holiday so poor girl.

I have bought another house that's not my dream house but is a happy home. Life is too short to not be happy and at the end of the day that's what we all deserve.

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