Contact - Verbally abusive ex and my 1 year old DD

[ilovecocoa]

I've namechanged for this.

My ex has been abusive (verbally) towards me throughout my pregnancy and ever since my DD was born (she is now 1). We broke up when I was pregnant - throughout my pregancy he was absolutely horrible, saying disgusting things. This has continued up until today.

He gaslights me and turns everything round to be my fault. Tells me how sorry he is that I have such serious issues, how I need counselling etc, he feels sorry for DD having a mother like me - honestly the 'worst' thing I do is stand up for myself and don't take any of his shit, nor will I allow him to shout in front of DD.

Anyway, somehow or other I have coped with him visiting DD most days (say 4 or 5 days per week) since she was born as I really wanted to encourage a relationship between them and was trying to put myself in his shoes. Contact has occured at my house, is sometimes amicable, but often results in him causing a row in front of DD, and me then asking / telling him to leave. To this he sneers and says 'what again', 'shock', etc. It's probably not relevant, I'm just so frustrated.

It all came to a head last week when he started making serious allegations towards me via text, things that simply didn't happen. I came to the realisation / told him that all future contact had to be supervised, and due to the practicalities of that I offered 2 x per week. He kicked off yet again, accused me of keeping DD away from him etc, and became very abusive. He then informs me that he may have to move approx 2.5 hours away due to financial reasons and that 'I suppose I'll have to take you to court for weekend access to DD'.

So... my question is, well 1. why are people such twats sometimes, and 2. is the court likely to grant him access every weekend and all weekend? What about the fact he is choosing to move so far away? Will I be expected to take her over there? It would be difficult as I don't drive.

I will phone a solicitor first thing, but really hoping for a few answers tonight if I have any chance of getting some sleep.

Maybe maybe not. You cannot get accurate answers on MN because your situation is unique to you.

You are doing exactly the right thing by getting laval advice asap.

My only real advice is to record EVERYTHING. Contact only via e mail. Write down EVERYTHING you can remember up to this point (an enormous and painful task i know).

He sounds vile and you are well shot.

I don't think they get overnight access at such a young age and also as its him choosing to move away I think the onus is on him to come collect. I think this is possibly a good outcome. You've been way too accomodating, he sounds foul and must leave such a cloud over your life. All the disadvantages of being a single mother without the main advantage of not having to see him is a very raw deal for you!

The answer is I don't know but I second the suggestion to record all times he has been abusive to you. Is it verbal and also physical or just verbal?

Does he pay maintenance?

You won't be expected to take her to him. And never ever do that, or even mention it.

If you are not afraid of him taking her away or abusing her, insist on him having her on his own and make sure that someone else handles handovers.

You can offer the contact you are most comfortable with and that benefits her. He can take it, leave it, or apply to court for a chance of having it his own way.
He can choose to have mediation instead of going to court, but he can sort it and pay for it. As he is abusive, I don't recommend that you accept it, but you could attend one or two sessions and see how it goes.

Finally, I doubt he will actually show much interest and his threats sound just like threats and opportunities to harass you.

It's all so stressful - the not knowing what he's going to do mainly. I did phone a general advice line today and they said that the court wouldn't listen to his accusations of me unless he had proof - which of course he doesn't as he makes it all up. I think he believes that by texting me things about how unstable I am and how he just wants to help me he will appear the better person when it goes to court.

He doesn't pay maintenance - he did for 2 months but then stopped. He buys nappies and will pick up the occasional toy or an item of clothing. If anyone asked him he would swear blind that he buys everything for DD. He believes his own version of events I think.

I do have reason to fear that he would take her away as he has threatened me with that before, so that's one reason why I have been so accommodating in the hope he won't do anything like that. It's all such a mess.

I very much doubt he'd take her. It would mean supporting her and her relying on him.
You gave it a try, it didn't work out.

I would just aim for as low contact as possible then. Get it on record with your health visitor and doctor, they can support you and it's evidence if you do end up in a court situation. It sounds like he has a personality disorder. Be strong for your dd.

Is there any worry he might take her abroad. If so there is information on a website about that. I am not trying to scaremonger, I know it is unlikely. But if that is a fear then do seek help. If he has threatened to take her before, can you remember when it was and what exactly was said.

Do not make it easy for him to see her if he is an abusive bad influence on her, you will not be doing yourself or her any favours at all.

And you have done well to cope with this level of abuse, you said somehow or other I have coped with him visiting DD most days (say 4 or 5 days per week), but really you should not have to cope with this! You said ...Contact has occured at my house, is sometimes amicable, but often results in him causing a row in front of DD, This is not in your daughter's best interests or yours.

Please please seek some help to build up your self esteem as he seems to have ground you down.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/#.VMASkC6vNWQ

Sorry I had to find the link.

I am really not trying to worry you at all. I just wanted to post it because someone who had a similar story to yours mentioned something like this as a concern once before, I think. International parental child abduction Foreign & Commowealth Office

Thank you for the links

I do think he has a personality disorder and I have come to realise over time that too much contact with him isn't good for DD. I have felt that he was only like this with me / because of me but lately he has started getting tense and angry with DD too and then denies it even when I've been right there in the room. He is a very angry person. I have been too anxious to face up to all this so I've just been letting things go on because I knew as soon as I started limiting contact he would step up the abuse even further. My stress levels can't take much more of him.

Please speak to women's aid, he is wearing you down, that i snot good for you or dd. You need to protect her. They can advise.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Tel: 0117 944 44 11 (general enquiries only)

Email: [email protected]

Has he ever been violent with you or her, physical etc? is he aggressive, or sort of just grinding you down? Does he leave when you ask him to?

Is your life on hold making room for him to see your daughter only for him to be argumentative and abusive with you? Is this in your home?

Please get some help. It is my guess but he is relying on the fact you are a single woman who is being worn down that you will not assert yourself. Please prove him wrong and get help BUT be careful if he is likely to be abusive physically, seek guidance. If you must have contact it should be in a neutral place, not his house (if you do not trust him) and not your house if he is abusive to you there.

I believe I am right in saying contact should be for the child's benefit not for his benefit. In normal circumstances a dad or mum would add benefit but if he is being abusive I am not sure how this will benefit your dd.

It's your first child, you want to do everything right. It's not your fault but you need to reclaim your power as you have the say on access and custody. Go to health visitor ASAP. I'm getting help from mine. She says my ex is likely to be started on supervised access (which he will probably not want so problem solved) and he doesn't sound as bad as your ex. I threatened to phone police if my ex turns up at house as I am scared of his verbal outbursts. You need to put firm boundaries like this in place to make your home your sanctuary and if he oversteps them then involve police. Be strong for your dd and for you of course, you shouldn't have to live in fear.

Thank you. I didn't think to call women's aid.

I don't really have a regular health visitor but will call them also tomorrow and go from there. I feel like I need as many people to support me as possible as he has dragged me down so much over time, I feel completely lost and overwhelmed. But I am staying strong for DD, outwardly anyway.

I have threatened him with the police too if he continued to message me nasty things, but he just laughed and said I'm nuts. He enjoys confusing me. I wish DD never had to have contact with him away from me, he will bring her down too.

If you showed his messages to the police they would take it very seriously. I agree with Women's Aid, and HV, GP and anyone else for support. And I would stop any contact in your home as he is seriously abusing you - and in front of your daughter too. He is utterly vile.

The problem is most of his messages are him accusing me of things. he shouts at me face to face, then texts me telling me how unstable I am and making out I am the one who is behaving badly. I knew all along he was doing this to build a case against me but I haven't wanted to face up to it due to my stress levels. I am a single mum with little support and my DD still wakes 6 or so times per night so I'm exhausted as it is. I just don't need this aggravation now but I have to face up to it all for DD sake and mine. I will try to read through all the texts and emails (there are thousands) to try to get some kind of proof of his harassment. I used to try to defend myself against his allegations which will probably go against me as it may be seen as me fuelling the fire. I just don't know.

You said I wish DD never had to have contact with him away from me, he will bring her down too.

If you go down the supervised route he may well lose interest!If his interest is in controlling and abusing you, the supervised contact may not be to his liking, so he may scuttle off! If, however, he really does care and does want to see his daughter he will buck his ideas up, and maybe sort his life out. If I were told the only way to see my daughter was supervised contact I would take it in a heartbeat as would anyone who really cares.

Please record all you can remember accurately from the past, your texts and any answer phone messages/emails etc may help you and will also provide evidence if you do go to the police.

the fact that there are thousands is already harassment regardless of the content. I would be calling 101 for advice tomorrow. His unfounded allegations will not go against you. He is just a nasty bully. Trouble is you are so ground down by him you cannot see the wood for the trees can you.

Thousands!!!! I missed that. Please do as newyear15 suggests and speak to 101.

Please seek help, you do not need to live like this. Do speak to women's aid because if you are going to give him bad news, like he will have to have supervised contact in the future, you may need to do that in a safe place.

Do you need to let him see your daughter while you are working this out? Would you feel strong enough to say no until it is sorted? Can you start by suggesting contact at a soft play place or something so that that becomes the norm to meet in public while you work out how to get things on a permanent safe footing?

I am posting this for suggestions from others, not because I know!

oh and do not let him over your threshold again - he is abusing you in your sanctuary. And get the CMS claim in too.

Did you make any progress today? Hope the posts gave you the strength to stand up to that abusive bully

I made an appointment for next week with a solicitor. We had a good chat on the phone and she told me that whatever he says about me even if it was true, will have absolutely no bearing on court if and when he goes for access. She said everyone is different and that the courts are used to hearing ex partners mouth off basically.

So that's a relief. I will be denying any contact for the time being. I feel really uneasy about it but I can't take anymore from him now and I don't want my DD to be around him and his anger. I do go from feeling really resolute about it to feeling guilty, because I momentarily forget that this is his doing. If he could control himself we wouldn't be here. Oh god, so tired.

Does he have anything approaching a right of entry to your home? Did he live there with you at any point, and did he/does he have his name on a tenancy agreement or mortgage? If not, then you need never let him over the threshold again under any circumstances.
I also agree with having a chat with Women's Aid, who will give you lots of advice and support on cutting this man out of your life and DD's life as much as possible. It's much better to have no father than to have to deal with an abusive one: if he does insist on contact it can be minimised and made safe until he gets bored and goes away, which is what these men usually do.

I would love for him to get bored and go away. I wonder if I could be so lucky.

I moved into my house after we broke up fortunately, so he has no legal right to come here at all. Thank goodness.

If when I move again (I am renting now so flexible to move) do I have any obligation to give him my new address, morally or legally?

You could give him contact details such as an email, phone number or address for your solicitor.
As he is abusive and you don't want him around you, one way is to move, but you shouldn't have to.