Another effing MIL thread...

[OhMjh]

First time posting in the relationships thread and it's another MIL one for you all.

Background: DP and I live in A - he moved down for university and stayed here afterwards as he found work and to live together. PIL live in B, 2 hours away. Since DP moved down for uni 3.5 years ago, they have visited 6 times, 5 of those in the past year because of my pregnancy. MIL didn't even come down in the car when he first moved, and when asked how she felt about him graduating, she said 'it's just another day'. He is the youngest, and the only one to have gone to university. She frequently says that he was meant to be a girl, and that she 'didn't bother' with photo albums or baby memories with him.They live with DP's brother, his partner and her little girl. SIL and I are polar opposites. SIL calls them 'mum and dad' which I find quite strange, as does DP, and are very much in each other's pockets, constantly going on about how perfect their life is and posting all over each other's facebooks. When we announced our pregnancy, we were told by MIL that we'd upset SIL/BIL because they'd been trying so she wouldn't be excited around them because it was selfish.

I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but the thought of MIL coming to visit makes me feel physically sick. We are very different people and come from very different backgrounds. DP and I have a 8 week old DD and they've visited twice since she was born. The first was when she was 10 days old, and they came down with FIL, BIL and SIL. She was very grabby, yanking DD from FIL, not letting anyone else have a turn. I'm not shy of feeding in front of people but I used needing to nurse her as an excuse to get out of the room for a while. Second time, she and FIL came down, and despite me having DD in the Moses basket in the lounge as she had a cold, she didn't say hello to me or DP and picked her up right away. I have a pet hate for baby talk, which she proceeded to do for half an hour, then spoke to the kittens in the same voice - it grated, and I had to bite my tongue. While holding her, she stuck her finger in her mouth ( I think she did this to keep DD quiet so I wouldn't go and feed her ) when DD started crying and when I asked if she was hungry, MIL glared and said ' I guess so. Is mummy being mean and taking you away from me?'. DP started work 3 hours after they arrived, and I have to admit that I made up having plans so they couldn't stay indefinitely without him there.
I received a message today to be told they'd all be coming down on the 17th to see us, regardless of DP being at work and I do feel sick at the thought of them coming down. FIL is a lovely man, and I have all the time in the world for him but she treats him like he's stupid. He was holding DD for a rare moment, and talking to her about all the plants in the garden, to which she told him he was 'boring her shitless' and took her off him. I know I'm a new mum, and I'm bound to be a little clingy, but I struggle massively with her and the way she calls my baby hers in a 'Daughter I've never had' way. SIL is newly pregnant and I cannot wait for the baby to arrive so that the pressure is off me somewhat, so that she can do all that with the new baby.

Am I a horrible person?

I feel for you. You are right it probably will ease off when SILs baby arrives but what are you going to do until then?
You could insist that Dp is there for all meetings (so the 17th is not good you know because of HV appointments, jags, baby massge, showing baby off to work colleagues etc etc etc) or suck it up for a few hours every month or so - setting a time for the visit and trying to get FIL as an ally.
I think you need DPs support in this, he needs to manage the relationship with his parents, but I suppose if they have always treated him shabily he might not be able to face up to himself.
Just try and distance yourself as much as possible, delay visits, keep them short, arrange to meet out rather than at your place, make sure DH is there.
Good luck

No, yanbu. And you're not a horrible person. I think if you see your ILs bein nasty about your DP it can taint your view of them.

Could you rearrange their visit for when DP is around? It might just dilute mil a bit more?

DP doesn't seem to know how to handle it either. He rarely went home to stay when at university as he felt criticised by her- he couldn't even do his washing without being told be was doing it wrong.

Short visits are a little out of the question as they live 2 hours away, and I do appreciate that they want to spend time with DD. I've suggested that we go up so the ball's in our court in terms of leaving so to speak but I haven't been replied to yet.

I can see myself clashing with her very soon, in a hormonal 'I've just had a baby' way which isn't something I want to do but I feel it might happen.

Uuurrrgghh what a nightmare! I feel for you. I always disliked my inlaws but made an effort to get on with them because, well, like many others, i don't like to upset people! However since my divorce, my MIL has backed off, tho likes to give it all the 'i love my grandchildren' crap. She doesn't. She has done sweet FA for me & my children since we divorced. Her loyalties lie with her DS (despite him being a convicted sex offender: but that's another story!).
At Christmas i surprised myself by refusing to visit/allow them to see us. Was she fussed? No!
Find some strength, talk to your DH & just don't accept her behaviour. You will soon see her true colours.
Good luck!

Send a message back saying sorry 17th doesn't work for me or DP. We will get back to you with an alternative.

i do not think you are a horrible person.

However the behaviour you have described doesn't seem to be that bad to me. Irritating perhaps but i don't see it provoking quite the antipathy you are showing.

Just a thought, you seem angry at her treatment of your DP. Why? does he feel like this, and is that your battle to fight? Is it possible that you envy the relationship she has with DP's sibling and partner? I am probably completely off track but I'm kinda grasping at reasons why she makes you quite so cross? Physically ill even?

However right or wrong you have EVERY right to ask them not to visit on that particular day. When asked just use the MN fave 'That doesn't work for me' and explain yourself no more. Offer them dates when DP is about.

Visitors do not get to TELL you when they are visiting. They ask and sometimes you say no.

Say no.

I think I find her relationship with DP difficult because she seems to perceive him as useless, when he's the complete opposite. But you're right, that's not my bug to bear!

I find MIL & SIL's relationship very strange, and I'm certainly not jealous. I come from single parent background, where my mother and I are more like best friends and it's very laid back. This notion of this perfect 'nuclear family' doesn't really exist in my head and I find it all a bit sickly sweet if I'm being honest. I was told off by MIL for not painting the nursery pink because ' all girls like pink and it's not right that it wouldn't be', and that I must be 'troubled' because I didn't own barbies bar the one I cut all the hair from.

I don't know. I'm crap at confronting people and hate the idea of upsetting them which isn't an excuse to be walked over but I don't want her to have a vendetta against me.

I would insist that your partner is there when the ils visit. You have a new baby and they need to fit in with you, not vice versa. Your offer to go to their home has been left unanswered, so if they choose to come to you it's on your terms.

I would have a calm, low key chat with your dp about why you would like him to be there for the whole visit. If he doesn't know about the incidents/comments mentioned above then tell him. It doesn't have to be a character assassination of his mother, just this is what happened and therefore this is how you feel.

I don't think you sound horrible at all. Your mil on the other hand sounds rude, attention seeking and deeply insecure. Sounds like she'll go all mushy and over the top when your sil 's baby is born (if it's a girl?!) and that should take the heat off you.

If you feel able and you have your dp's support, what's to stop you commenting on/calling her out on her catty remarks, to both you and others? If nobody stands up to her then she'll always do it. If however you can keep visits sporadic and short you may find MIL Bingo the way to go:

Mil rushes to baby, ignoring me - Bingo
Hasn't mummy changed you yet, naughty mummy - Bingo
Of course sil won't be doing that when her baby's born - Full House !!!

If your dp is in the know the game will be even funnier.

These people are basically so predictable and draining. Set your boundaries and stand well behind them - good luck !

Why can't you get your DH to say to them that's not a good date for him and giving a couple of alternatives instead. No reason why you should see them without him.

Do what Magoria said.

17th not possible, we'll let you know a better time etc.

Cross posted with you op.

Massive MN cliche coming here.... you have a (potential) mil issue here, please don't let it become a dp issue. This is generally the bigger, more fundamental problem, when the dp/dh cannot or will not see their parent's behaviour for what it is.

If you felt you could laugh off a lot of what she says with your dp, would that make you feel better ? If when you're in a room with her and she trundles out her crazy shit you knew your dp was thinking "Oh god, here she goes again, what must OhMjh think?" would that make it more bearable ? Is part of the problem the feeling that you're not on the same page when it comes to her behaviour/comments ?

Sorry I think you're being petty here. Just because they aren't 'like you' it doesn't mean they are a risk to your dd or your dh.

So what if they live with BiL and sil? In all honesty don't start wars with the in laws, 1 it never ends well and 2 it causes untold stress to all concerned, especially the dh who largely is unsuspecting until his DW puts him in the frame.

I have read some mil threads on here and this one is nowhere near as bad.

Totally agree that you shouldn't start wars with the in-laws, and that there have been some horrendous mil threads on here.

I don't think though that the op's problem is that her in-laws are different to her, it's the things her mil have said to her that have made her wary. I would have been upset by all the things in the op also.

This is more a case I think of seeing that there could be problems ahead, and trying to find a way to head them off now before it's an "I hate my mil thread."

I'm not saying they're' a risk, or criticising their living arrangements, and no, there isn't one massive thing she's done wrong - I just feel uncomfortable around her and wanted a bit of perspective. I know she isn't as bad as half of the MILs people post about on here, but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to feel somewhat flat about the situation.

nicenewdusters DP feels the same, but sees it as being just how his mother is, that nothing will change the way she does things. He's tried speaking to her about it before but is ignored. Prior to the home we are in now ( we moved in 2 weeks ago), we lived in a TINY one bedroom flat which was essentially 2 rooms and a bathroom. She'd been buying clothes for DD up to 12 months ( which was very lovely of her) and before she was born, said they'd bring them all down. Space was tight, so DP asked if it would be okay if they just brought the up to 3 months ones and that we'd come and collect the rest when she'd got bigger. This was ignored, and met with a 'of course you'll have them all now, besides, I'll be bringing more down each time I come'. I don't really know, maybe I would like him to be a bit more assertive with her.

OP several people have now made the very sensible suggestion that you or preferably DH tells MIL that no, sorry 17th isn't convenient.

You really do need to start establishing boundaries or this will get out of hand and you will fall out with her big time.

You say you want to avoid a big fall out, but the way to do that is to start saying no and meaning it.

Totally agree with Hampton, these are boundary issues which are making you uncomfortable for a reason, you're not being petty.

Try reading 'Where to draw the Line' by Anne Katherine, its on Amazon/Kindle and eye opening as well as practically helpful. Lots of useful examples and scripts of different ways to handle challenging actions and words without turning it into WW3.

Yes, first thing you do is put this visit off. 17th is inconvenient, in fact impossible, as you have appointments that day, don't you?

Get off the phone asap so she can't arrange to come down on 18th instead. Something's burning on the cooker, someone's at the door (probably that parcel you're waiting for), whatever, "must go, someone's at the door. Bye" and hang up.

Get the book.

Talk to dp. He has to be adult about this and handle his parents. Best bet is to go up there, so find a date and he can tell them that you will visiting them on that date. If it's not convenient for them then he can say he'll get back to them with an alternative. This is dp's parents, so you can keep well out of it.

DP feels the same, but sees it as being just how his mother is, that nothing will change the way she does things. He's tried speaking to her about it before but is ignored.

Clearly she has form - listen to your DP - and listen when he says she will not change.

So there is no point talking to her or wishing/hoping for something different. You are left with only one option - pre-empting the issues/her behaviour and constantly managing boundaries.

You and DP need to talk about her traits and decide on the script & actions that you need to take.

This is classic taking over when a baby arrives - not seen you for years but all over her baby - watch this boundary like a hawk.

You are disappointed that you realise that you will not have a close relationship with this difficult person = but it will be less difficult if you seize control now.

*"her" baby!

This woman won't change her ways willingly, so don't try to reason with her. Instead, set boundaries. As other posters have said, if she states - not asks - that she will be coming on 17th, just say that the date doesn't work for you. And stand your ground.

Your husband should support you. If he is unable to stand against his mother for the time being - because sometimes it's hard - then that is his business - it's his mother, not yours. But of course you are completely entitled not to receive someone in your home if you don't feel like it (particularly since she's invited herself) and to handle your child as you see fit.

Bullies are used to having people comply out of politeness. So forget about politeness and not ruffling any feathers. No need for rudeness, but don't allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. Just a firm NO. Repeated as necessary. And don't budge.

Good advice Distance - these domineering bullies get away with it because everyone else is polite and dont want to cause a scene - so they control everyone with their unerupted anger.....but there is another way as you say -- v firm polite boundaries....never get snippy or angry as this is when they blame everything in you!!!

Agree with distance also. Set boundaries now, it's better not to let things escalate if you feel so bad at this stage as it will only get worse for you. If you are struggling so much with seeing MIL without your oh present then I'd make it clear to oh that visits are with him present only. Of course if things improve with MIL then you can change this. I feel for you at the moment. It's really hard with a young baby and overbearing GP who isn't sensitive/forgets how hard the early days are for new mothers.

yes, just state the boundaries. If she insists on bringing baby clothes tell her that you have (or, well, had) no room and any she brings will go to the charity shop or be ebayed.

If you really want to have what you say respected, you're going ot have to face that she'll throw a strop at some point. It takes time for people to adjust to a new status quo (in this case, you wanting that she respects your wishes) and when they are adjusting, they don't like it.

But most people come out the other side a lot more live-able with.

Try and foresee how she will react to being told No and then try to plan how to handle it. Together!