1st relationship after ex and very confused

[lemonbabe]

I need your input ladies. I was turfed out by the father of my 2 DC just under 3 years ago. Made a decision that although I wanted to be in a relationship again, I would never fall into the same 'traps' as I did with exDP. One of those 'traps' being the waiting for a ring on finger..... house was bought, babe one, babe two, his 40th, my 40th..... well, the time never came and 12 years of loving and giving have now put me on guard towards all potential suitors.

Fast forward to current relationship. He is loving, caring, supportive, etc. We've known each other 18 months - split up for a few months due to ups n downs and got back after 4 months. He lives part-time in another country due to his work situation and willingly goes to the trouble of booking and paying for flights etc to spend as much time as possible with me.

My frustration is, it's not my fault that he works somewhere else and has the added 'hassle' (not to mention expense) of coming here to see me. Because he doesn't live here full time he stays with me, at my place, at my expense - he chips in for stuff and if we go out to eat he normally pays.

I have 2 DC, as does he. Again, the norm is that, agendas willing, we all chill out at my place (equals me cooking, cleaning, picking up after us all.

Since we don't live together, all the expense and work that comes from entertaining the 6 of us at my house is shouldered by me. Now that might be 2 weekends per month with kids and let's say 8-10 days for him without his kids. Bearing in mind that I don't want a man to take take take before he commits in some way, this all leaves me feeling used.

Is it me, or is this man just freeloading in my comfy house ?

It's not you...

Since his own split has he ever had his own place? Are you part of a convenience package for him, do you think? In the place where he works is he in long-term rental or put up by his employer? Am trying to suss out the overall picture of him.....

Its not you, but i don't necessarily think its him free loading either.

Situations often develop without much thought really going into it. Especially if you have a 'go with the flow' type personality. Although there can be nothing wrong that, sometimes it happens that things have reached a 'norm' that you didn't really want. There is nothing wrong with addressing this and getting things more as you had anticipated/imagined.

I think you have put it very clearly and sensibly in your post. May i suggest that you clear some time and sit him down and explain how you feel to him. Try to have a clear view of what you would like, i.e. 'currently we do a,b,c but i would really prefer it if it was x,y,z.' That conversation will tell you a lot about him and your conversation together.

he sounds like a good guy and you sound sensible and intelligent. I'm sure this can be resolved.

Thanks ladies.

Handywoman: he has a place here which he only uses to accommodate his DC when he sees them twice monthly. It's the type of place you lived in when you first left home/went to college... i.e. bloody awful. He's rented that place for 4 years - how he spent a week in it is beyond me.

He says he'll rethink things when his divorce is finalised. He said he would pay for a cleaner for my place..... again, I'm awaiting that day.

Does he have any plans for when the divorce goes through?? Or is he merely planning on thinking about it?

What were the 'ups and downs'?

No concrete plans. He could buy a place here or elsewhere. He does occasionally speak of us living together - putting our funds together as it were to rent or buy a place together.

Ups n downs were his jealous behaviour - he didn't trust me.

Hmmm I'm confused as to what you actually want from him???

I'm i right in thinking he visits for ten days each month and doesn't lift a finger? Well can't you ask him to help with the dishes, cook dinner, takes his laundry to the student house.

Tell him that when his children visit you don't want to feel like the hired help so you would like him to shoulder more of the practical tasks associated with the visit.

I think by him paying for your flights to visit him and him paying for you all out to lunch etc is his way of saying thank you.

Does he trust you now? I wonder whether it would be better to set some boundaries in place or at least clarify the overall plan. Perhaps he is thinking he won't buy a place but see how things pan out with you first? This may put your relationship under pressure to commit way too soon. I think you both need to have a chat, sounds like there may be some pretty big assumptions underlying your relationship...

I wouldn't let my gaff be used as some kind of bolthole for him to put his feet up, get his needs taken care and his kids entertained/fed at your expense

he has it made, doesn't he

I wonder if he has similar "ports in a storm" elsewhere...or is actually married

care of

Jealousy and lack of trust. I would be a tad worried about those without the other stuff..