'Perfect' life but feel unhappy :-/

[sparklestar]

It's hard to explain how I feel but I need to try in the hope someone may have some amazing advice!
Background - married at 19, DH 20, DH diagnosed with leukaemia at 22, spent the next 5 years dealing with illness and then IVF. DH managed his illness with medication still now. Gave up my job when I had my 1st son in 2006 and worked part time at home for my husbands business.

Continued to work for the business and went on to have two more children plus two miscarriages along the way.

We now have a fantastic lifestyle, home and children. I love my husband, he loves me and he would do anything at all to make me happy and we do enjoy being together.
I don't enjoy my job and find it difficult to find the time to do it when at home every day with a toddler. I find being at home everyday/school runs/clubs etc so boring and monotonous.

I feel trapped and starting to resent having 'given up' my life for everyone else in my life. I also feel sad that I didn't 'live' a little more before I settled down, it's so young, we were together from 16/17.

I know this all sounds like I am a spoilt mare but I am just so unhappy and feel I am existing rather than living my life.
I have considered going away and getting some headspace to see what it is that I really want and my DH was supportive if it's what I needed. I just don't know what to do....

School runs, ferrying children, looking after toddlers etc is boring and monotonous and we all need more from life. You dont like your job - is there any scope to change it? What little things make you happy - can you find time out to do them?

Rather than going away for a one-off, can your DH commit regularly to helping with the grind of the school run etc and give you some regular time out just to chill or to do something new- a hobby or class?

Its not unusual for mums to lose a sense of self, and put everyone else before them - the good news about having kids young is that you will still be young when they are more independent of you.

Forgive me but you sound a little depressed.
Go and speak to your GP, seriously! It's nothing to be ashamed of.

My wife went through this several years ago and with the help of some 'short term' (about 8 or 9 months iirc) medication overcame it.

Life does become mundane, especially in your situation and it's depressing!
Things will get better with time.

I think you need a new job. Find one you like and the rest will work out. Plus, working outside the home, you value time with your children so much more.

Close your eyes and imagine your life in a way that would make you feel happy and fulfilled.

What does that life look like?

Whilst you're home working and with the kids could your DH support you (I.e. Take more of the home stuff on) to allow you to study part time, maybe, or do some sort of practical training, to allow you to pursue a career of your own? By the time you'd finisher, kids may be at school which would fit in well.
Sounds like you're bored and maybe depressed. See your GP because things won't be fixed straight away whatever the problem is, and whatever proactive steps you take- but don't just stop there. In the mean time (unless you could find an enjoyable job now out the house somehow) sounds like DH needs to do more at home to let you have more "you" time. A new hobby, more time with friends, whatever.

I understand the feeling like you should have enjoyed yourself more thing, but the grass isn't always greener. Probably obvious from the many women who post on here (including the dating thread). Nothings ever quite as exciting/perfect as it seems.

Why don't you do something that you have to look forward to. Join a gym and you don't have to use the equipment, you can do Yoga or Pump, anything that involves a class because you will meet people. Another thing is, if you can, is to get a residential holiday home and your weekends will be covered. You can get through Monday to Friday and before you know it, off you go. You need something to look forward to. I remember the boring times well, now I don't have the time.

Your toddler at home won't always be so little. Start making plans for when he starts school eg study/new job/pursue interests.

It depends how unhappy you are but sometimes you just have to hang on in there during the difficult times and you do get through the other side. (That's what I say to myself anyway.)

Your life does not sound perfect.

It sounds as dull as dishwater.

Working for your DH! So he is your boss! Oh God, the dynamic of that brings me out in a cold sweat.

Get a job outside the home. Preferably something that can become a career. Even if you only break even on finances after childcare.

You'll be surprised horrified how much DC like childminders/nursery.

Your house stays nice and tidy while they are at the childminder's. You don't have to cook their dinner. You get to converse with grownups who neither know nor care that you are a mother: to them you are competent professional woman not harassed mother /bored housewife.

If you weren't married with children, what would you do?

I think there's a difference between being unhappy and being depressed.

I think you sound bored out off your mind and fed up at everyone else coming first.

The main issue seems to be a lack of child free time to do a job you didn't choose.

So chose a job you would like to do and speak to your DH to come up with a plan to get you there and give the heads up that his business will need to find a replacement.

I think you are depressed, but not that you have depression, which are two very different things obviously.

You can pretty much pin point what makes you unhappy - you hate your job, and you aren't enjoying the SAHP role. There is nothing wrong with that.

I think if you were to find a different job outside the home, even on a part time basis, it would probably help. Providing your DP is pitching in at home as well?

You'd get to socialise with more people, have a bit more "direction" and might even get to go on a few work socials on occasion!

Go for it!!

I felt same as you a year ago and arranged counselling to work through how I was feeling. I think it helped but the real breakthrough was getting a new job - the boost to my confidence was enough to shake me out of feeling stuck with no identity.

I agree with some of the previous posters.

You need more time to do things outside of your home/family on a regular basis, whether thats a class, a hobby, social meet ups or a new job (or a combination of these).

I go to the gym or exercises classes regularly, try to see friends for a coffee or dinner/drinks out of my own house at least once a fortnight (weekly if poss), have joined a creative writing class recently and am about to join a choir (eek!). I also have other regular times each week that I escape (get my nails done, pop over to my mum's for a cuppa without the kids, Go for a coffee aline).

I know its hard when youre juggling children and work etc, but honestly...you have to be strict about it. Its a sanity saver! I would go mad without these outlets, away from my home, my kids and (lovely) DH etc.

Well maybe for a start pay someone to ferry DCs around. Babysit whilst you are at the gym or whatever.

Otherwise you don't have time to do anything you actually want to do so first make yourself some time.

Also with DH having been so ill you probably spent months/years hoping for recovery. Now it's here the tedium of every day life isn't as good as you expected.

The prob is you don't actually know what you do want to do to feel fulfilled and happy. So start with the child care, to give you more time and freedom and see what comes up.

There are a lot of good points made there. I really appreciate all your comments. I am on my phone so I can't see them while I write this but picking up on a few points.....

I definitely feel like I want to get out of the house and do my own thing more often. A new job would be great, when my DH was diagnosed all those years ago, I was in the early stages of setting up my own business with a friend but totally lack confidence in doing such a thing now as it has been so long, I feel I need to retrain.

I would love to take on the challenge of something new but it's hard to know which direction to go, I think when you are younger you have chance to change direction but I feel that I would need to be going in the direction this time as it may be the last chance to get a good career built.

I know I need space from the children, give me some sanity back, I feel awfully guilty though. I have looked at nurseries but because DS1 and DD1 didn't go, I feel awful about putting DS2 in. :-/

As someone said, my life doesn't sound perfect, people think I have a great life as I have the big house, lovely car, successful business, loving husband and gorgeous healthy children. It all 'looks' perfect, but yes, I am bored silly and yes, probably not depressed but certainly a bit down.

DS might enjoy nursery. And it would be better for both of you if you feel happier with your life - well better for all the family if each one is happier iyswim.

It seems to me that if you are financially secure you have a fantastic opportunity that not many people get to take the time to find something that you genuinely want to do, which might not necessarily be paid work?

Agree with pps that little child-free time (with 3 DC) and "working" (but with no salary or childcare?) for H's business might not be everyone's cup of tea!

Don't assume retraining would necessarily be essential: what are your qualifications like? You could investigate local job options and entry requirements, and also scope for developing your own business. and make a decision after a lot of research. for example a friend of mine has become a nurse because there are lots of nursing jobs here and she could get shifts on a lower grade while qualifying.

Is your H likely to support you in having some time to yourself (eg by doing more childcare himself or helping arrange paid care) and later working outside the home?

If you dislike nurseries there are other forms of childcare, eg childminders.

Yes, I have skills and qualifications that I can work with. It all feels like such a massive change but it's exciting to think it could happen.

I never get any down time without children, I have just booked some babysitting time so I can go to a fitness class. More changes need to happen though. I think the reason I feel like I want to get away is that I feel smothered in life right now, I can't ever do anything I want when I want, 3 children is hard and it's hard to fit in opportunities but I know we need to find time to fit them in.

I agree that everyone will be happier if we get some time apart.

I just want to have some fun and enjoy life. I feel really old and boring and my DH keeps telling me I am not old but when you go no-where and do nothing you feel it! My life is definitely boring! I need to get over the feeling of guilt for my family and children not being enough for me, they have been enough for 9 years but now I need more!

Nothing to feel guilty about. Yes, as a start carve out some time for yourself!

Thanks Surreyblah.

I have concerns that my relationship with DH is starting to suffer, I hope that I can turn this around before that escalates.