Tried and tried with Mother.... do I just give up?

[NotAMamaYet]

Mother had traumatic past, which we were brought up 'semi' aware of. We - my siblings and I - were told the in's and out's of when were old enough. After keeping it a secret for years on end she had a nervous breakdown and it all resurfaced. Perhaps something to do with my being the age she was when all the shit happened...

Anyway, after having a typical mother/daughter teenage angst relationship I moved away with the promise of temporary distance between us meaning we could reform our relationship... school for me was a safe haven as my dad rarely took the childrens side, united front and all that which i totally understand. Should probably include that my mother has struggled with depression, self harm issues over the years. home life was never relaxed with violence not an unknown entity.....

After moving away naturally things never got better - honestly tried for years to form bond back with her but after being refused entry back into my home, ignored thousands and thousands of texts (literally)/calls/me tunring up unannounced, siblings all forced to have no contact, and just rejection, rows upon rows of me asking why things have come to a halt.

With someone now who originally thought it all sounded stupid. In reality all I can say I have done wrong was a slightly rebellious teenager. Going to parties without permission etc, bunking off school but nothing horrific - no drugs nothing like that. He - DP - I think thought i over exaggerated but after a year of him seeing first hand her rebuttals of my trying he gets cross with me for trying to contact her. Says I only make it worse for myself etc etc and this then causes rows between us.

I suppose what i'm saying is when is the time to just say, ok I tried thats enough?

I totally dont want to, she's my mother and due to her past I have no contact with any wider family now. We've been through family councilling, we've let 'time pass' we've tried everything.

Can provide more details but didn't want this to be a massive post - Sorry!!

Just want someone other than my - lovely but sometimes a bit stern DP - to give their shout on it / experiences....

I realise she is your mother and all that but there comes a time when a line has to be drawn for your own self preservation and you have tried far longer than most people would have done. That time is now here. You've been living under FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) no doubt for most of your life and still are under that as well.

I do not think this mother/daughter relationship you write of is at all healthy; it is "normal" for a person who has come from an emotionally unhealthy family unit. Your father acted for his own reasons, ones of self interest and self preservation. He failed utterly to protect your siblings and you from her didn't he?. I would not let him off here at all.

(Family counselling in such cases is rarely if ever helpful because both parties have to accept some level of responsibility for their actions. Toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions).

If you have counselling in future I would do so on your own along with finding someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Counsellors too are like shoes, the first person you see may not fit in with your approach.

Presumably you are the last of your own siblings to have any sort of contact with her at all. Its hard being the last one left but your mother never received the right sorts of help or perhaps even wanted to receive the help she needed and that is not your fault. It is not your fault your mother is as dysfunctional as she is, you did not make her that way.

It is okay to say no more.

Set some distance, get some perspective and heal yourself.

Stop putting your hand in the fire and getting burnt.

You should look at how this childhood and one way toxic adult relationship has injured you, and shaped you and work on resolving that for a more emotionally healthy future for you.

Read toxic parents and get on the dysfunctional families thread.

It's very much up to you to decide when enough is enough. It sounds like a very difficult situation, and I can understand why your DP thinks you should cut ties - but at the same time, you absolutely shouldn't do it because he thinks you should. Take your time, listen to the advice of wiser people than me (who will doubtless be along shortly) and then decide for yourself whether there's any merit in keeping trying or whether you'd be being kinder to yourself to cut ties and protect yourself from all this.

notamamayet I think the answer to your question-title is Yes, you give up.

She doesn't want contact with you. I'm sorry.

I think that perhaps you need to grieve for your mother and for the relationship you would like but don't have and probably never will, by her choice. It takes two to have a relationship and bluntly, she isn't interested in one.

What about sending one last letter, maybe even recorded, with one sentance:

"mum, I'd like a relationship with you very much but I am not sure you want one with me. If you do, please get in touch. I will wait with hope".

Then the ball is in her court.

I cried buckets the day I admitted to myself that my mother didn't love me.

Things got better from then on because I gave up putting myself forwards for rejection.

Thanks ladies - means a lot, just to even get it out.

gloopysoupy I've cried absolute buckets..... don't set me off. Seems like I've failed my duty to be the daughter I am 'supposed' to be. Everyone has a fab relationship with their mum.. don't they?

attila probably should have mentioned, my siblings - bar one really - all get on with her. I am the only daughter which many people have told me is the reason for her caniving ways (it's not a secret). People have long made jokes about it but I think only recently see the truth.

My brothers have recently expressed their sadness at my lack of relationship and connection with the family.. Christmas and all that was spent separately.

My younger siblings don't even recognise me any more.

I don't want to be that cliche that never got over stupid teenage angst. Totally hate hate hate myself. Used to self harm (embarrassing and self obsessed) and have done for years...

I feel like this is all my fault and want any way to rectify it. meerkat I know that if I throw it in her court, and put it on the table, she will just say she's not bothered...

Maybe it's that I'm scared off.......

of* weepy typing doesn't do my spelling any favours!!

Have you asked your sibling why she won't talk to you?

If she is irrational it's impossible to deal with someone like that. Their thought processes and responses just don't add up!

I agree that self preservation is the best thing you can do!

Honestly I think we've all questioned it quitelikely - her included. I think she maybe has a complex about mother/daughter relationships herself. Her relationship with her own mother - although better than that with her evil father - was pretty much none existent.

She ended up with huge mental illnesses and spent the rest of her life in mental hospitals... which I sometimes think explains my own mums irrationality

There seems to be similarities between yours and my mum.
My grandfather was a brilliant man, who had a very low opinion of women. His wife and daughter included. She spent her life trying to be noticed by him.

Now she has two sons a daughter (me) and two daughters in law.

Her treatment of the dils is very harsh and mean and they are the reasons for any behaviours my brothers do that she doesn't approve of.

Her treatment of me is also very harsh, mean and now of disinterest. Give you an idea. I'm 24 weeks pregnant and since I have told her at 14 weeks she has not once called, messages or mentioned the pregnancy in my presence.

I gave up on her years ago. But it has been noticed her dislike of women (when my niece was born, first grand daughter, she said to my sil 'now you will see how horrible girls are).

You have not mentioned what happened to her but this might help your understanding of the situation. (Although might not). Think about her relationship with your sils. Are they any better?

I think my mum had a very clear idea of how i was to behave as her daughter. And of course I never lived up to that (mostly because it would have been irrational, I would have been set up to fail, and I would not have been allowed a personality of my own).

Have a ponder, it really help me realise that it wasn't me with the problem.

It's not you. It's her.

No, not everyone has a fab relationship with their mother. Mention in passing to people that you don't get along with your mother and you'll soon hear about lots of other people with similar problems.

Mothers are people. Some people are crap at human relationships. Pushing a baby out of your fanjo doesn't give you a personality transplant.