NC with most of family, am I selfish and cruel?

[StarsInTheNightSky]

I could really do with some advice please. DH and I are nc with all of his family and almost all of mine, we decided to go nc as we didn't want our son (eight months old) growing up with the same abuse/dysfunction that we did.

To give a brief bit of background, DH's family used to physically and verbally abuse him, DH can remember his mother throwing him into walls when she was angry before he'd started school, so he must have been very young. She used to punch him too, and still did up until we cut contact, there was lots of other stuff too, and the rest of DH's family sided with his mother and as they were abusive and narcissistic DH wanted to go nc permanently with them all.
My family we are nc with as a lot of them are drug users (not just weed), they even took drugs at our house when we invited them for Christmas last year, despite us asking them not too, so we kicked them out as it wasn't something we were going to tolerate. Things became very frosty after that, and just before our son was born we went nc as I didn't want them anywhere near our son especially as some of them get quite violent. The ones who aren't durg users are controlling to the point of mind games and verbal abuse, they're completely toxic.

My family have refused to accept the nc though, and keep phoning, texting, emailing and sending things in the post. We've just emigration and I thought that would help but its even worse now. My mother gave out our new contact details (despite us asking her not to!) as she thinks I'm being cruel and that family have a right to have each others contact details. We've now changed our telephone number and email address and are refusing to give the new ones to my mother, we Skype her instead. This has caused a huge rift and a lot of resentment.

My mother constantly terms me I'm being selfish and that I'm a cold and cruel, person that I should be more tolerant and kind and not so judgmental. I'm really not judgmental at all but I don't want my son exposed to the same crap I was. Also, some of my family mailed us Christmas presents for our son. So far I've kept to the nc but my mother keeps getting very math with me as I won't sent a thank you note, am I being unreasonable? Everyone we're nc with knows as we sent them each a letter explaining our reasons.

I'm very confused so sorry if this is a bit rambling, my relationship with my parents is on the rocks and has been since we went nc with my family they've flat out refused to ever some and see us, despite us offering to pay for flights. They say that as we were selfish enough to move away we should make amends by going back to see them at least five times per year. We now live in a very remote area and its amazing, our lives are so much better and happier, and DH and I both agree that it will be a cold day in hell before we go back to the UK for any trips. We had a long chat last night about whether is would be best to go nc with my parents too as our Skype conversations are horrendous, they just spend the whole time saying hurtful nothing's and telling me what a selfish cruel person I am, not least for denying them a relationship with DS. DS can't stand them, from birth he wouldn't even be in the same room as them when we were in the UK and now we have to skype when he's asleep so that he can't hear their voices. Our HV in the UK (who was brilliant) saw it first hand and said it was my parents negativity that he was picking up on, DS is such a happy laid back little soul normally, nothing ever phases him apart from that.

I'm just sad and in need of advice, did anyone else who went nc find that it destroyed other relationships? How did you deal with it? Were she we made the right choice going nc, but I'm just confused as to what to do now. Sorry this was so long.

Sorry that was so long, my heads in a bit of a mess at the mement about all this.

*moment

You will need to go NC with your family of origin as well.

Your family of origin are what are known as the "winged monkeys" who are acting like this for their own reasons and self interest. They want to keep you within their own dysfunctional web. Their actions are certainly not in your interests at all and you certainly do not have to see people who are happy to treat their fellow family members with such contempt and disdain. People who keep going against your wishes for no contact need also to be cut loose as well.

It is they who are projecting here; they are really all the things they describe of you.

Do stop all Skype communications to them as of now and do not offer to pay for their flights. Why did you offer this at all to them, they do not deserve to have you in their lives either. I presume you wanted to give them a chance but they are themselves disordered of thinking and will not change.

Listening to phone messages, failing to block NC parties on Facebook, Twitter, etc., and accepting cards, letters, emails and gifts is not considered to be no contact. If you are called on the phone, the instant you realize who it is, the phone should be hung up without comment. If a message is being left (or about to be left) on an answering machine while you are present, simply pick up the call and immediately hang up to break contact. Call blocking is a tremendous help, and is inexpensive or free. Contact your phone service provider for details of available plans.

Mail is thrown out unopened. Returning mail to the sender is stimulating and rewarding to toxic people, and they are encouraged by it. They typically respond to returned mail by sending even more, so don't return it. Gifts should also be given away/thrown away unopened as well, unless harassment charges/court proceedings may come up and you feel you may want the items as potential future evidence that you were not left alone. (It is better to save them and not need them than need them and not have them.) If you wish to save them but would be too tempted or upset by their presence, immediately give them to a trusted third party.

our Skype conversations are horrendous, they just spend the whole time saying hurtful nothing's and telling me what a selfish cruel person I am

This is your answer I think. Your parents may not have done things that are as bad as the things others in the family have done, but it isn't much of a relationship and they simply aren't nice to you.

You don't need to decide on NC now and forever. You can give yourself a break from contact with them (you could even pretend to them you are going away) and just see how that makes you feel.

The great thing about going NC is that is is reversible - you can try it, see if you feel happier and then decide. You are not making a life-long decision that you can't undo.
Sounds to me like you have decided what you want to do but are looking for some support.
Do what you need to be happy.

Thank you Atilla, we've been doing all that with hanging up the phone without speaking, deleting messages and binning post, and the phone calls and emails have stopped now that we've changed them. We don't use any social networking sites so that's one less thing to worry about. We have never reciprocated contact. The post we've been since emigrating I've given to the tribal police to keep in case we need evidence (we live on a reservation now) and they've been brilliant.
I suppose I was just hoping that I might still be able to have a relationship with my parents, although its looking less and less likely. Thank you.

Sorry, meant Attila stupid autocorrect.

Monstrous and Middle aged they're really good points thanks, I think a break would be wonderful, its just on this awful downwards spiral at the minute, I'm just desperate to make sure my son doesn't get caught up in this and then doesn't the next few decades trying to normalize it like both DH and I did

Hi Stars,

I would continue as you have done so far.

Maintain those boundaries you have built up; if your mother in particular keeps doing as she is doing then you will need to go NC with her as well. She has done and is doing what she is doing for her own reasons and self interest, your own wishes have not been considered in her thought processes at all.

The best thing you can do for your son is to continue to show him positive and life affirming role models. This does not include any of your family of origin.