How long should I wait before trying for a baby?

[loucat80]

Hello all

I posted on here a year ago under a different name (forgot my login details!) when I was deciding whether or not to leave my alcoholic husband of 18 months.

Well, we separated in February and I moved out in May which was the best decision I have ever made I am so happy and, surprisingly, met someone else six months ago and am finally having a healthy, happy and very loving relationship.

The thing is, I'm 35 in a couple of months and would love to have children. My other half is also very keen but we are conscious we haven't been together long and I'm not yet divorced from my ex (we are in the process of selling our house after which I will file).

We are so tempted to start trying now as he's 41, we're not getting any younger and life's too short etc. But I'm thinking we should probably wait until the end of the year but I'm so worried about being an older Mum and all the health issues that can arise after you're 35 (a friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer on getting pregnant at 35 so I'm probably overly sensitive about this).

Would welcome anyone's thoughts/experiences on this.
Thank you
LC

Well, not being divorced shouldn't make any difference. The key thing is the length of time you've been together and how 'solid' you think your relationship is. If you were to split, how involved would your partner be? Could you manage being a single parent?

Given that your fertility does start to decline, I'd be tempted to start trying now - but only if you're absolutely confined that - in extremis - you could manage on your own.

I don't know much about this so apologies if my advice is off, but could you see a Dr to get an idea about how fertile you are? Or discuss it with a Dr, anyway. If you found out you're mega fertile or your fertility is rapidly declining, then you can make a bit more of an informed decision without worrying later on about "what ifs" etc.

Hi there.

I can understand why your age is making you feel anxious, but I do think you would be wise to wait a little longer. Six months in is still the honeymoond stage. Youre still seeing each other's 'best faces'.

Are you living together? It might be sensible to see how sharing domestic life, financial responsibilities etc goes for a while before committing to raising a child together.

Ultimately, its between you and your partner. And a child is a blessing, of course. But coming out of a divorce and then finding out down the line that you have brought a child into a rebound relationship or with a man you don't know that well might be storing up some major problems.

I say this as I see my close friend go through a horrible separation with 'the perfect guy', less than 18 months after they met, 'fell' in love and had a baby (she 38, he 45). The bottom line is...she didn't know him. And although I am sure your guy is a good bloke, you just never know. Her romantic, loving, attentive DP became controlling and critical within months of them moving in together, and emotionally abusive after their baby was born. Its a mess.

I'm glad your new relationship is happy and loving but I would say that having a baby with someone you've only known a few months is a big risk. There is such a thing as the honeymoon phase when everyone's on best behaviour with each other and it may or may not be the reality. You're not long out of what sounds like a bad experience with your STBXH and, stacked up against an alcoholic, anyone's going to look like Prince Charming. If you were only married for 18 months to the last guy - no offence intended - do you have a tendency to rush into these things?

Babies are quite a game-changer and can challenge even the most solid relationship. If you waited until the end of the year you really wouldn't be that much older and you'd have had 12 more months to get to know each other properly. I'm sorry your friend found they had cancer at 35 but that's mostly down to bad luck rather than age.

Maybe give it another 6 months but chart your cycle so when you want to conceive you know everythings in order so to speak?

And spend that 6 months doing lots of things you can't when you have children, creating lots of memories of those happy carefree days!

Thanks all. We are living together so we do know each other fairly well although I completely accept it takes time to know someone fully.

It does sound like I rush into everything doesn't it (!) but I was with my ex for 9 years before we got married. There were lots of issues surrounding the relationship including him telling me he wanted children before we got married then avoiding sleeping with me afterwards and showing no interest. I had all the fertility tests done then which all showed I should have no problem conceiving.

Weirdly, as much as I loved my ex I feel completely different about this 'new' guy - in that I feel closer to him than I have with anyone else and can actually see a future with him. With my ex it always felt like I was desperately trying to make it work when, with hindsight, we should never have got married.

I'm a realist when it comes to relationships - certainly not a romantic or the type to get carried away or caught up in the moment - which makes me think if we feel solid now then why delay things further. Although I appreciate waiting just a few more months is not going to make much difference in the grand scheme of things.

I would wait at least another year to be honest. Relationships can and do fizzle out once the list factor wears off and it would be you literally holding the baby!

Lust.

I know someone who got pregnant on her first date. A marriage and three kids later they are still together. As an older mum, I would say if you feel good about the relationship start trying. Sure there are risks in the relationship not lasting. There are also risks I TTc in older age, there are risks to the baby the older you get too. There are risks whatever choice you make. I would rather have the first risk I mentioned than the latter two. The younger you have your children the more of their lives you will see. That is an enormous benefit. The younger you have them the more likely you are to have more than one ( or indeed one at all).

Yeah, I agree. Six months is really not very long at all and given your previous relationship I would just hang fire for a bit and enjoy your new relationship. IMO you need to spend at least a year with someone (preferably two), before you start to know them properly. Having a baby is a huge game changer in any relationship and can put massive strain on even the most solid ones, so please don't rush into it.

I'd start trying now. It obviously feels right and you are both ready for it. Personally, I don't understand why you would wait if you are both ready, especially at your ages.

Wait two years and you will be giving birth around 40.

She isn't 35 yet? How do you work that out?

I got together with my OH at 33 shortly after a split from another man. In my heart I knew it was right and so did he, and we decided to go for a baby 9 months later for the same age related reasons as you. Five years on I am very happily married with two beautiful DSs of 3 and 1- with a couple of house moves and a major house renovation in between. The difference was that OH was previously a good friend, which cut some of the questions I might have needed to ask - I knew how wonderful he was (though that isn't always the same as things working romantically).

Some things were hard - when our first son was born and we were renovating a house, I sometimes felt sad that our lives were full of sleep deprivation and DIY when other friends who had got together at the same time were enjoying the early romance. But I've never regretted it, me and OH feel our lives are where we want them to be now, and we might even go for a DC3.

I think there are two things you should think about. Are you a cautious planner, or do you tend to throw yourself into situations then face issues later? I am very cautious, so I knew that my instinctive decision to get pregnant was probably trustworthy - I had never felt that way before. I would look at what is typical for you - what with the deal with the alcoholic husband?

Also - you should also get all the information you can to help you decide.
Ultimately, at 35 you are going to have to take risks - either with your fertility if you leave it or the relationship breaking down later if you go for it now. You just have to make an informed choice about the balance for you personally.
Can you do fertility tests? Any family issues with fertility/early menopause in your family? Does your partner have any issues? On the relationship side - have you moved in, met his friends and family, had to rely on him under stress? There are certain things you can do to stress test the relationship. If you have all the information, you can decide on timing.

Sorry for long response

She is 35 in a couple of months. They start trying to conceive in two years. She is 37. It takes 6 months to a year to conceive(on average) 38. 10 months pregnant- 39. That's pushing 40. Medically, it is unsound to ask a woman to wait until that age.

OP- There is a right time for you and DP. The joy of meeting when you are older is that you are a little wiser and capable of making a health decision. Lots of people don't wait years and years and are perfectly happy.

I got pregnant on the second month of trying at age 36 - and most of my close friends got pregnant very quickly in their mid-late 30s or even early 40s. Fertility doesn't 'fall off a cliff' at 35 as is often bandied around. The OP has already said that she's had fertility tests that suggest she is perfectly fertile.

Suggesting that she waits until she's known him for a year (so that's another six months), is sensible. These boards are full of people being urged to 'start trying immediately' and relationships that have broken down due to people rushing into things. Yes, I concede that it is possible to 'just know' that you've met Mr Right and to be correct about that and still be together many years down the line. However, the OP only left a pretty awful relationship less than a year ago - I don't think its bad advice to urge her to hold off for a few months more and get to know this guy a bit better.

Will this be a first baby for you both,or does he already have a child/children?

hmmm,I think there may be more to this story but good luck anyway.

I don't think the issue is so much if she can conceive but the health of the foetus if she does. Both sperm and eggs are less healthy the older the man and woman are. The longer one waits the bigger the risk.

You've got time. Even a year would be a good test of the relationship and you'll still only be 36.

Some great advice here thank you although I agree with most of the posts making it harder to make a decision!

It would be first child for both of us. I have met his fried a and family and have dealt with some stressful moments eg death of his beloved dog, plus he's been there for me when sorting out details of house sale with my ex. Again, I feel like if I was going to settle down with anyone again, this is the man I would do it with.

I think I will raise the issue with him again. I have never felt this broody before and find myself looking at the calendar and reading the maternity policy at work. No longer do I look at people's kids and think they're annoying I look at them and think I would love to have one of those with my OH, not just anyone, with him.

My DB met and Married my SIL after 3 weeks. They are still married 40 years on.
My cousin was married for 25 years and almost on the day of their anniversary he left her for OW.
Your clock is seriously ticking. I would say go with your 'gut feeling' it's about as reliable as any other measure.
You made one mistake. Everyone is entitled to one mistake. Go for it! And I hope you will be very happy.