Help me LTB

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

I think my marriage is over. I know its for the best but every time this happens I go back and end up wishing I hadn't. I need inspiration to make the leap.

My husband is a horrible man. He looks and speaks to me like I'm a piece of shit most of the time. There's so much I could tell you! But will just stick to today's events to give you a flavour;

• this morning I got a very unfair bollocking at work. H needed something off me so came to collect it at my work. I came out to the car about a minute after being bollocked and sat in the car as I was upset. I'm a crier - I cry easily and he knows this. Rather than giving me a hug I so desperately wanted he told me to stop crying, it's pathetic.

Tonight we went out in the car to get 19mo DD to sleep - the reason being I've been exhausted the last few months so having earlier bedtimes, and the car guarantees she sleeps. However he decided to get he car washed and the noise woke her. She wouldn't go back down and I knew it would be me looking after her til she decides she's tired enough to sleep - about 1am probably. I let out a frustrated groan and he hit me across the chest. Said I deserve it cos I'm childish and can't cope and he's sick of me and deserves better. He wants someone stronger, like him.

The reason I'm so exhausted is because I do EVERYTHING - housework, childcare, part/time job. He never does dishes, laundry, bathing the child, he never makes lunch or dinner and has never made DD a meal. I am the default parent and he says its because he works so much which he does, but still has time for endless hours on Xbox and impromptu visits to the pub (which I can't plan EVER in case he has to work as he's self employed). Just this morning I went to doctors at 8am and asked he have DD up and ready for nursery by the time I got back as I was due in work at 9am. He was fast asleep when I returned and I had to get DD awake and ready as he couldn't be bothered.

Sex is awful. I'm basically a wank sock whenever he fancies it. and he gets very stroppy if I refuse sex - even though I tell him the fact he's been a bastard to me all day puts me off him sexually.

In a nutshell he wants everything on his terms all the time. There's no wriggle room. It's his way or nothing and DD and I just have to put up with it. The above is a mild example of his behaviour. I need the push to leave. I just wish I could move out tomorrow and be done with it. I don't think I have the strength. But all I fantasize about is me and DD in our own home and me being free from constant upset and ridicule.

Not wishing to be trite - I know myself how hard it is to get out - but really, he sounds vile. If you need inspiration, read what you have read. Now imagine your dd telling you this story about her dh in 30 years time. What would you tell her? If you stay, it will become her normal...

I dont think you need us to tell you to LTB - he sounds like a right arsehole, when are you leaving? or can you just change the locks and kick the shit head out?

Ok - why are you staying?

Its not for his support is it?

Financial - can you stay with family? friends? if not, got a credit card? stay in a premier inn or ibis or something for 2 or so nights and find somewhere else.

Work will understand if you need to take emergency leave, they will have to, also - you should probably report him for hitting you, "..he hit me across the chest..." - no one, and i mean NO ONE should be hit be anyone else.

If he hits you for being childish, when will he start hitting DD?

He hit you? That is enough to get the hell out. He sounds absolutely vile OP, do you want your DD growing up thinking this is what a relationship is, and possibly ending up with a man like you husband? You are already a single parent, leave him and be a happy single parent with none of the shit x

The good thing is that you know you need to leave. The next step is down to you. You must protect your child. My trigger moment for leaving a similar situation was thinking that if I stayed I was teaching my daughter that this was a normal relationship. I didn't want her to repeat the cycle.
Please.... get out and live life.

Do you have any family close by that you could get help from? This is a situation you have to get out of, soon as possible.

But all I fantasize about is me and DD in our own home and me being free from constant upset and ridicule.

Hold that image in your mind. It is well within reach.

You work. You will be able to afford to set up that home for you and DD. It may not be a palace, but it will do the job, and you will be FREE.

You have access to help:

• Online benefits calculators, to find out what you are entitled to as a single parent and start budgeting your new life.
• Police, when he assaults you.
• Women's Aid (0808 2000 247), for a listening ear and practical advice.
• Friends, for strength and moral support, and with a spare room after you walk out that door, while you look for your new home for just you and DD.
• A solicitor, to initiate divorce proceedings.
• The Freedom Programme, is available free in person or online. To get your head together about your marriage.
• Therapists, if you want deeper work on getting your head together, once you and DD are both out.

You can walk out tomorrow. Reach out to the help that is there. You can do it.

Read back what you've written there. If this is just one day out of many, and you know there's so much else you could say, there seems little doubt about his character and your (valid) feelings.

Practical things: do you have anyone that can help you? Do you have access to money etc?

Thanks everyone. Sadly I don't have family close by and I wouldn't want to burden friends with it. My best friend is the only person I can trust but she's about to have a baby so not a good time for me to move in. I have savings though, about £4,000 that we were saving for a deposit for a bigger house. That money is all my own in an account in my name. I'm gonna go out tomorrow and find somewhere to rent. Luckily I have a house that's solely in my name too that I bought before I met DH, I rent this out but it's there if I need it as I can always give my tenant notice.

He's upstairs working (he works from home) and luckily not talking to me. He was the one who first said tonight "this isn't gonna work" and I immediately said I agreed. I hate that part of me wants him to come down and be nice to me and be loving like he used to be

Please leave, I know you're scared but just think how much easier, happier & healthier your life would be without him in it. Plus you don't want your daughter growing up thinking that his behaviour is acceptable. I split from my ex 3 months ago, and although it is hard (as we're still living together) it was 100% the right thing to do as he is a horrible individual. There is a lot of support out there and no one will frown on your for doing it. And those that do are not worth knowing in the first place.

I just keep picturing what my life will be like in 12 months time when me and ds are all set up somewhere new enjoying our new little life together without all the drama and heartache.

You deserve more than this, so please try and be confident and think about yourself. You should not be anyone's punchbag

I am so glad to hear you have a house and money.
And very happy to hear that you will look for somewhere to rent from tomorrow.

Get out. Then, from that safe distance, you can work on sorting out the part of you that wants him to be nice (ie. the part of you that still craves the "nice" part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse, even though both the nice and the nasty are part of the abuse).

Come on, you really can do this! Sending you hugs and luck and everything xx

It's not just about you is it, love ?

It's about your daughter being given this poor example of what relationships should be like

You are actually in a good position to leave/end it, and yet you don't

it's up to you,,,remember you have a choice to stay and tolerate being abused in this way but your daughter does not

Do it for your daughter, if not yourself, the man is the lowest of the low, he won't suddenly start being nice to you, he prefers being Mr nasty, sounds like you do whatever he says, time to start thinking on your own and do the best for you and your child, men are two a penny and a man like that isn't worth having even on a desert island.

If you don't have family and you don't want to burden friends you might get some support if you contacted someone like Samaritans or Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Being assaulted should always be reported because, once it is on record that you are the victim of Domestic Abuse, it can unlock a lot of help.

This sounds absolutely untenable, awful and disgusting. Abusive much? As others have said you are in an enviable position with regard to leaving instantly. That's probably the best plan.

Living with abuse is so habituating and there are the probably many (only half true) memories of when it was so much better. What matters is now and how long this now has been so bad.

I'm shuddering with revulsion at this brute. Please get your real self back and save your daughter from thinking this is what a man/marriage is.

Hi all
I feel lots better today - DH being nice now but refusing to believe he was in the wrong last night. I've booked to see rental properties over the weekend (he doesn't know) and I'm gonna arrange it and just get out one day, maybe I'll tell him maybe I wont. I think we I can avoid him as much as possible until then. He's working through the night so haven't spoken to him.

Thank you all for your kind words. He makes me think I'm over dramatic and unreasonable and things like this make me realise I'm really not. I grew up with a father who was abusive to women and I do not want the same for my daughter. I just hope she doesn't remember any of this x

The longer you stay, the more damaging lessons she will absorb. ...