Not coping very well

[YellowTangerine]

I have a 12 day old baby. Her father left me when I was pregnant and we didn't really speak much during the pregnancy. He asked to be at the birth so I allowed it because I thought I could deal with it.
Whilst I was giving birth he was all over me, kissing me and telling me he loves me. The next few days he stayed at the hospital with me and we spoke about getting back together. I was really happy and thought I had the family I always wanted.
The next day he text me to say he has changed his mind and he cant be with me 'atm' because it upsets him too much. He says he wants us to be best friends but I cant do it. I know he is talking to other women and going out trying to get with others.
I know he is just playing with me but it doesn't help. I am getting really depressed and have been on anti depressants since he left me during the pregnancy. I'm so down all the time and I should be enjoying my new baby but I cant. He has really got to me and I feel so stupid. I also feel like I will never find anyone else. I'm 23 and feel like my life is over. I have never felt this desperate and I don't know what to do. My mum is doing most of the baby work and I feel like I am palming my daughter off all the time but I just want to stay in bed and cry.
I told him today that I cant speak to him for a while and said goodbye and he didn't even reply. It feels like he has just used me all over again.
Any advice on how I can pull myself together? I'm a blubbering mess and I can not carry on like this.

First, congratulations on the birth of your baby girl.

And also: poor you. You need to do a number of things simultaneously right now that are all very, very tough. One of these is learning the ropes of being a new mum. Another is getting over a twat of an ex and going no contact when you are still in the throes of feeling addicted to him.

You do need to go no contact with this man. If he asks for contact with your baby, palm that off on your mum if she is willing (contact with your ex to make arrangements). You need to heal, and having absolutely no contact with him is the best way.

Your feelings for him now are very strong, because you are vulnerable and need love and support. Clearly, he can't give it. But that doesn't stop you hoping and wishing: the thing you want so hard is actually a fantasy. But these are strong feelings, and will only ebb if you really insulate yourself from him and get on with your life. Eventually your feelings will fade and you'll see the real him and wonder why you ever yearned for him.

Good luck. I wish you much joy with your baby girl.

He's a nasty twat, and I know it doesn't feel like it but you are well rid. Do not give him another chance to mess you about. If you have your mums support make the most of it now, and don't feel guilty, no wonder you are feeling so down, this is so tough on you, there's enough to deal with after a baby's born without him screwing your head around, plus all the emotions. In the short term eat, try to sleep when you can, try to hold your baby and skin to skin contact for bonding. There is so many ups and downs with a new born but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the love you get from it is like nothing else. I hope some people with have some more practical suggestions but wish you the best of luck.

First of all YellowTangerine, congratulations on your bundle of joy!

Secondly, bless your mother for being there for you both!

Thirdly, you have a future with your baby, who will bring you soooo much joy, but please give yourself a break and realise that your hormones will be all over the place, as having babies is the MOST traumatic but joyful thing ever.

He gave you false hope, but you know that? Try to concentrate on little things through every day, and if any contact is needed, then make him go through your mum initially, until you are ready to deal with him.

Don't let him destroy this awesome time with your baby. If you don't feel any better soon, then contact your midwife.

Enjoy your baby ??

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am living with my mum currently and still taking the anti depressants.
He has changed so much. All he cares about is going out, getting drunk and getting with women.
I do have a few friends and I have spoke to them but they just say he will be back, which doesn't really help. I do think at some point he will be because he has come and gone quite a few times over the years.
This also scares me because I don't think I am strong enough to not go back to him when he comes back, and I don't want my daughter to be confused by my relationship.

Don't let him back.

You know, from experience, that if you do it just messes with your head, makes you feel worse, and he just fucks off anyway.
It's your choice whether you let him do that to you, and whether you let him do that to your child.

You are strong enough to stay away from him. Use the simple power of the word "No."

I know and that's what's making it harder. Logically I know what he's like and if anyone asked for advice on someone like him I'd tell them to run a mile, yet I can't seem to let go off it all.

Get as much support as you can in order for you to take control of this sad situation.

That means you are deciding this 'relationship' is over and he's not welcome back. You are no longer hoping for scraps of attention or whatever other charmless behaviours he throws your way. You love your dd and harden your heart to someone who, I'm sorry, does not care for you.

It is, IME (midwife) a huge mistake to allow exes into the delivery room for this exact reason, it gets wildly emotional and then all goes wrong again. I mean that kindly in that he's following a script for twunts. It's boring, predictable and bloody cruel on a new mum.

So get up and slap on a bit of makeup and brush your hair. Cuddle your beautiful new daughter and give her some smiles ( hugely bonding for both). Fake it until you make it with her. As well as your mum can you ask your health visitor for support? She will know exactly what's available and should be a good contact.

Block the ex and do any baby contact when you are ready and want it. Let mum supervise if you can't.

It will get easier.

Ps 23 is a wonderful age and this can be a lovely year for you.x

5 years or so from now when you look back I can guarantee one thing. You will regret the time you wasted worrying over this idiot and not bonding with your daughter. Believe me I know only to well from bitter personal experience where you are. I can only tell you what I wish someone could have told me.

The world in your head is not the real truth of the world.

This man is NOT the only man for you.

Right now, your feelings are telling you that you only want him, that you can't live without him, that there is no other man out there for you, that he is your child's father and you are bonded to him for life. That because he is your child's father you will love him always. That you could be a family. And on and on.

Firstly, what you are feeling is normal. It isn't a 'fantasy' to want to be with the man you have a baby with. Its a normal, even healthy, desire. Something most people grow up wanting.

The thing is the situation has gone wrong. And you must acknowledge this. And although you can have the dream family you've always wanted, It will have to happen some other way, further in the future.

But it will never happen if you keep listening to your feelings and going back to this man sexually or otherwise. People say 'follow your heart,' but our emotions can tell us lies. This is because emotions take longer to disassociate themselves form any sexual or emotional partnership. Your feelings are lying to you right now.

You are lovable and can have a lovely family in the future. At 23 you have many years to get your life back on track. Would your mum support you while you work towards a new hobby or career? Uni? Think about the opportunities that are out there away from just thinking about this immature idiot.

Not contact is the best way to move forward. Cut down contact to bare minimum. Arrange pick up arrangements through your mum.

My advice is to pick a new path and focus on it like it is the holy grail. That's why I suggest maybe a new career. Is there anything you always wanted to do/be that you haven't achieved yet? Travel? Doing things helps the mind to travel new paths away from this man. One child as a Single Parent with some support is still flexible and you can achieve a wonderful life which includes marriage and family.

In the meantime if you need more help talk to your health visitor and go back to your doctor.

The future has huge potential. Take one day at a time.

Am going threw a very similar situation. But I've not had my baby yet. First congratulations chick. You will be very emotional to start with but that's what happens when you have a baby but this is going to make you ill. First couple of days is the most hardest. Ever. Keep busy with the baby am it's his loss! I no I have no room I talk because I've been treated like a mug and have le my self be treated in that way. Am 24 and my situation is very muh the same as yours. Big big hugs private message me if you need someone to talk to. As it does help strong things off your chest. I bought a great book online to. Don't call that man. And it's really helping me. Xx

Hormones, new baby/sleep deprivation, twatty ex. A very potent brew, indeed!

Congratulations on your lovely baby and bless your dear mum for being there for you!

PP have made some very good suggestions. May I also suggest short term counseling to help you get over the initial rough spots? A counselor can be an excellent sounding board and is full of good suggestions for tools to deal with your emotions and to move forward.

I wish you love and success in this journey. You will get through this!