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Original poster

People who gaslight..

19 replies

Doesitgetbetter · 20/01/2015 20:22

Do you think they genuinely believe the things they say? My ex does this all the time - he causes a row and twists it round so that its my fault. It happens almost every time he is here (he visits DD). I think he honestly believes I am some kind of evil witch and he is a saint for putting up with me. What do you think?

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 20/01/2015 20:28

I reckon they do believe it, as that is the only way they could possibly live with themselves. The construct a world and live in it, as we all do, but theirs is particularly crenellated and convoluted. And they never check the building regs with anyone else.

Littlef00t · 20/01/2015 20:29

Some I know it's just about winning. They may not believe what they are saying but they have a need to put you down and put themselves at the top.

JoanHickson · 20/01/2015 20:29

I am not sure I think they may.Sad

LineRunner · 20/01/2015 20:31

My ex constructs his world because of guilt and arrogance.

I am sure he believes himself.

Original poster
Doesitgetbetter · 20/01/2015 20:34

Littlef00t - that never occurred to me before - yes I think his desire to appear the better person is a lot to do with his behaviour. It's so infuriating. He even tries to approach my family to discuss my apparent evil side to them - thankfully they see him for what he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doesitgetbetter · 20/01/2015 20:35

Sorry that wasn't exactly what you said, but winning for him is appearing better than me. Ridiculous really.

OP posts:
elfycat · 20/01/2015 20:45

I know several people who do this. It's irritating.

FIL has just had a good try at giving his version of an altercation we had (at my wedding reception 10 years ago) to DH. He is a liar. DH knows he is a liar because I didn't tell him about it - witnesses did.

Poor DH is having to cope with the fact that his father really is a nasty bullying vindictive liar I was right and he now has proof. He said his parents seemed to honestly believe their version (I was the aggressor and he was defending himself) rather than the witnesses' (she just stood there in shock at how awful he was being. I can't believe she walked away, I'd have chucked my drink in his face. We were about to intervene when she moved).

But they're narcs, so the world had to revolve around them. Any problem with this is an aberration and was wrong = they were right and their version must be true. It's practically a mental illness and while I should have sympathy the re-writers of history are too damaging to the people around them.

ImperialBlether · 20/01/2015 20:48

Is there an alternative to you having to be with him when he visits? Is there anyone you could trust to be there?

Flimflammer · 20/01/2015 20:53

My ex did it and I came to the conclusion that he absolutely believed what he was saying, which is why what he said carried such conviction. The only problem was that he only meant the words sincerely as they actually passed his lips, and at no other time. After that he was free to behave as he pleased regardless of any promises he had made. What a peculiar way to live.

Original poster
Doesitgetbetter · 20/01/2015 20:57

Imperial - yes I decided enough is enough this week after he started accusing me via text of bullying him. I realised after that that I am leaving myself completely vulnerable to his lies and accusations when it's just us there - thankfully my mum is going to sit with me each and every time he visits DD from now on.

OP posts:
kingofhearts · 20/01/2015 21:03

Don't be naive. Many people who gaslight are calculating and manipulative. They know exactly what they're doing. They speak with conviction because it makes what they say more credible. They want to confuse and control.

TheCowThatLaughs · 20/01/2015 21:08

If the person saying it believed it, it wouldn't be gaslighting I don't think? Gaslighting is done to confuse and control as kingofhearts says, and the person doing it knows the effect they want to have.
Not sure what it would be called if they did believe what they were saying? Delusional maybe??

JoanHickson · 20/01/2015 21:14

You are right it is done to confuse and control. I would add amuse and entertain the gas lighter too.

HavingAnOffDAy · 20/01/2015 21:14

My soon to be exH does it. He's admitted knowing he's doing it & even feeling 'pleased' when I've done/said something to give him the opportunity to do it. Wanker.

He's been very honest with me of late & it's made me see what a truly awful person he actually is to behave the way he does knowingly Shock

InnocenceAndExperience · 20/01/2015 21:50

The person I know who does this is unable to apologise or recognise he's at fault at all. Sadly this means that nothing is ever resolved because the only solution to unpalatable facts is to change the facts, and that results in gaslighting. Challenging his version simply stalls any further dialogue completely. It varies from annoying to downright sinister.

Does he know he's doing it? Initially, yes, I think so - lots of giveaway body language, looking the other way, something about the mouth, restless hands. After the lie has settled as the 'preferred truth' he gets confident about it and probably believes it.

Corygal · 20/01/2015 22:09

Hmmm. Maybe some do, but the gaslighters I know lie knowingly to get their own way and are crafty and deliberate with it.

Melawen · 22/01/2015 16:54

Interestingly I wouldn't call my father a gaslighter, but he certainly has his own "truths" about things and he believes them quite utterly. For instance, he has got it into his head that I wanted to study politics at university which could not be further from the truth, and yet probably comes from the fact that when I was about ten I said I wanted to be prime minister!!

The point I am trying to make is that he quite completely believes what he is saying, which means that as a family we take what he says with a pinch of salt!

Blackout234 · 22/01/2015 17:15

I know exactly how you feel. my ex is doing this to me, following punching me in the throat and damaging my throat and ribs (he punched me so hard the door handle lodged into my lower left rib) apparently i'm evil,i cheated on him i've left him and taken his unborn daughter (im pregnant)..... etc... etc... ignore it, its too exhausting to listen to!

UpNorthAgain · 22/01/2015 19:14

I agree with kingofhearts. My XH was PA and (one) of his less endearing habits was pretending not to understand questions I was asking. He would make me rephrase and rephrase them until I came up with a form of words acceptable to him and then deign to answer.

One day many years ago, when we were still married, I described this behaviour to his uncle's partner. She immediately said that H's uncle did exactly the same thing. H overheard the conversation and immediately stopped Hmm. He knew what he was doing, all right.

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