I have a date...but worried it's too soon

[officeworker]

Hey,

If anyone has followed my previous threads, I broke up with my ex in October, we moved out and haven't seen each other since mid-November. And completely NC when he blocked my phone number on New Years Day which was probably the best thing that could've happened.

Since NYD when I had a mini breakdown over been blocked, I've threw myself into sports, seeing friends, working...just trying to do anything possible to not think about him. Obviously we haven't spoke for nearly three weeks now but not a day goes by when I have thoughts about him and our past, those rose tinted glasses are awful!

My friend suggested going on a dating app, so I did and didn't really think anything of it. I sent a message to a guy and we ended up talking quite a lot over the course of a day and he asked for my number to message as it was easier. Gave it to him thinking well I can block him if he's weird! Anyway I found myself asking him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime. We only really text in the evenings, and haven't today at all as we're both so busy with work and me playing netball, but when I've had a chance to think about it I'm wondering what the hell I'm even doing!

We've arranged to go for a drink Friday night, he's said he's met about five girls from the app in the space of about six months but nothing worked out with them. One girl wasn't over her ex and didn't want to lead him on. And I'm exactly the same! I just don't even know what I was thinking by asking him! My friends say to go, and just be friendly and I could make a new friend out of it more than anything. But I'm just scared, I didn't think I'd ever need to meet new people as I thought me and ex DP were for keeps!

I'm just so unsure of if I should go or not or just cancel. He's got a good job, witty, funny and I'm sure that'll translate into real life. But there's my ex lingering around and I don't even know if I'm quite ready to jump into anything so soon.

It's just a drink. Not a marriage proposal.

But go carefully!

If you're not ready I think be polite and cancel. If he's looking for something serious it doesn't seem fair to risk him getting his hopes up about something that won't happen. If he isn't looking for something serious and you think you're in a position where you might enjoy a bit of fun then maybe it's worth a date for a laugh- but you'll have a better idea as to what he's expecting. Basically don't mislead him!

I'm not quite sure how to broach the subject of asking him what he's after! When I have mentioned it slightly he's said that he's unsure why people use dating sites to make friends...so that's the clearest indication I have he's potentially looking for a relationship.

Oh I don't know...I have yet another sport Friday nights too! I think it may be best to cancel after reading what I've said back.

TBH, your anxiety about a simple date does suggest that you are not ready: you are giving far too much importance to the act of going for a drink with another person.

And that's ok: you're allowed to be emotionally a bit all over the place.

But if a date something that should be straightforward and casual causes you such stress and self-doubt, that's a pretty strong indication that, right now, it's not for you.

After things ended with me and XP I did some OD and went on quite a few dates. None of them were suitable for me but it made me realise that if I wanted a man, there are plenty out there available. And it was a good opportunity to practise my dating skills and realise that dating is actually quite easy.

I gave up OD after a few months as my heart wasn't in it, but I'm glad I did it. Having said that I think I'm fairly thick skinned and can deal with OD whereas I know some can't.

With all your doubts and the fact that it's only been 3 weeks since NC with your ex and that you think of him every day - I really don't think you're ready for dating.

Be honest with this man, be honest with yourself. You actually could upset yourself more if you go on this date if you're not over your ex. It was 8 months before I started dating after my break up, you'll know when you're ready.

Yep, I totally agree on that if it's causing me so much worry then I shouldn't be doing it. I guess for a second I just wanted to see if someone would still want to go out with me and that's why I asked him.

I'd imagine I'll never be completely over it but I will want to date again one day, but this person could be a really good friend. They're a nice enough person!

In fairness you probably should not do any serious dating until you are sufficiently over your ex which by the sound of things you are not given that you had a 'mini breakdown' over him earlier this month. Secondly, you need to get to a state of mind where you are happy with your single self first and not define yourself in terms of being in a relationship or not, you are worth more than that! When I came out of long term relationship the best thing I did was to start being a bit selfish and doing things for me, I started to attend evening classes in hobbies I had long considered taking up, I made an effort to make my weekends a bit more constructive then just seeing the same gang of people down the same pub/bar every Friday and Saturday, I joined a gym, I went to that exhibition I had been meaning to go to for ages but could not find anyone else to go with, I stayed in and had a Sopranos DVD-athon and a curry, I slowly began to realise that being single was not a ‘bad thing’ and in fact something to be enjoyed and taken advantage of. Not sure if it was apparent to onlookers but I certainly felt more confident going about my business and ceased seeing singledom as some kind of crushing defeat or millstone that must be carried. I did meet someone eventually and I was glad I was in a healthy place mentally when I did, if I had not waited and rushed into something I probably would have sold myself short and settled into an unhappy relationship just for the sake saying I was in a relationship or ended up messing someone around.

Sort your own melon (head) out first before you trying to sort out your love life.

"I'm not quite sure how to broach the subject of asking him what he's after!"

Suggestion... don't date until you're able to prioritise what you're after rather than what the other person is after.

Oh I'm not at all bothered about being in a relationship! I quite like my life of playing sports and being part of teams and the social aspect. I don't need a relationship to define who I am.

I think we're still going to go for a drink on Friday, but I have made it clear this afternoon it'll be as friends. We have some funny coincidences that makes me laugh and similar tastes.