All dried up

[RunOutOfSteam]

Has anybody ever got to where I am and if so what did they do to get back on track? I used to be a reasonably chatty and friendly person (shy also but made an effort) but over recent months and one or two fall outs with people at school (No, not my fault), I just feel so inadequate and unable to speak to anyone anymore. I just have nothing to say ...at all!!! And I feel awkward to just stand with someone after saying hello and expecting them to converse, if they don't I feel so uncomfortable. I feel so uneasy, like don't even look at me please.

Yes, I was definitely there, and still am sometimes, but it is better now. I am much better on email than in person. I am bad at phonecalls. I had Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, because I have an illness (CFS) but we also talked about this specific issue. Mostly, for me, finding it hard to speak stemmed from the thoughts I had about myself. Had to learn to challenge these thoughts and see they were mostly not true. Do you know WHY you feel uneasy with people?

Ellieorange, I don't know, I just feel like I am a BORING person, everyone else always seems more chatty, have more to say etc, I'm better one to one, but in a group I sort of take a back seat even though I don't want to. Invisted to a xmas party and won't know anyone, I don't want to go, always feeling like nobody really likes me and am told that people think I am strong and confident, inside I am jelly.

It's good people see you as strong and confident, and that you know it. It's a great place to start knowing that, and that you feeling like jelly is JUST A FEELING NOT A FACT. If you feel people don't like you - remember that is just a feeling too. What people tell you is a fact. Is there anything that could have affected you emotionally recently? eg. having a baby, losing someone close to you, relationship issues, illness etc. You don't have to tell me on a public thread (!), but it could have affected you. I probably had some post natal depression on top of the other illness. Luckily I had help.

Btw, I know exactly how you feel about being boring and just listening when in a group. I can do groups of about 3 when I feel ok! When I feel bad, I can't even manage one person, I feel like I am in a bubble. Have to really force myself to talk. There are probably lots of us like that out there, you never know I might be going to your same toddler group in the same frame of mind! I have just joined mumsnet, but I already feel encouraged that not everyone out there is a supermum, so thanks for being honest.

In a way it is good if you don't know people at the party, it's totally fresh. You can prepare some 'opening lines' (ask husband or friend for ideas if you are dry) and I am sure people will respond. It will just feel like an achievment and give you more confidence, if you can do it. If you don't feel up to it, don't beat yourself up as that will just make you feel worse. Good Luck!

Thanks for your kind words Ellieorange. I don't go to toddler groups anymore, infact I think I had more confidence when I did. I had a baby to hide behind! My DC are now at school and YES I miss being so NEEDED by them. DH is a pig and constantly talks down to me so I know that is a large part of my problem, he knows it too but insists I can hold my own (only with him actually). I'm also menopausal so I think that may be part of it too. Am going to attend a confidence course soon and hope that will help and strange as it may seem I will not be shy when I have to attend, does that make any sense at all?

It's good that you are taking control of the problem, going to the course etc. It's great you're not just letting life happen to you. Yes, totally understand that you feel ok about course (which is good) as a) you don't know anyone b) it's not about the kids, it's about you and c) they all have the same problem! No superpeople would be doing it! In reality, there are no superpeople, but it seems like it a lot of the time.

DCs at school...How nice to have some time to yourself, although I can imagine you may feel a bit lost now. My dh trying to get me to work part time so I don't feel lost when they go to school - and first baby only 11 months old! Told him I will cross that bridge when I come to it...

About dh talking down, well I think I actually do this to my dh a lot, and now he has started doing it back. It is not a good habit to get into, and I regret that I taught him how to be critical and talk down. Does he know how bad it makes you feel? Have you ever told him when not in middle of argument?

steam - I feel the same. I used to hate it and fill all available silences with pointless wittering. I have more confidence now and I simply don't care. I am happy to stand on my own on the playground - there are mums there I get on with and I'm happy to say hello and chat to sometimes - I don't want to get drawn into the silly bitch-fest that the playground mum world can be. People fall out for the stupidest reasons. I sat aloof I'm there to pick up my children and that is all the reason I need.

Oh yes Ellieorange, DH knows exactly how I feel but after nearly 20yrs of marriage I don't think he will change now. Still feeling hard done by (in my guesstimation) since DC arrived (thats when it all went pear shaped so to speak) and anyway far too busy in his work to be bothered quite frankly (or so it would appear). DO NOT go out and get a job, not even a tiny one, baby days are precious days, enjoy it, believe me the days, months and years just fly by,I only had two but god I could of had a whole army if able to, I jusr addoorrrrre them

joelallie, the playgound times are just the worst times. Standing on your own? I can't do that I would feel like Billy no mates but I do understand about the playground bitch-fest, I unfortunately have been on the recieving end and boy does it hurt, guess thats another reason why I tend to steer away these days.

Oh my giddy aunt! Thought trying to break into toddler group cliques was hard enough. At least no-one is nasty. The playground sounds AWFUL - will go with more fear and trembling on ds' first day than he will!!! Will try and live nextdoor to school so can walk home on own! Steam, am not going to get a job. He's already grown too quick, but def not ready for the next one yet.

Runoutofsteam, perhaps getting a job will do wonders for your confidence? or go to college and study? all that time on your own during the day must drive you round the bend, if you work you will be too busy to think! My self esteem has come from building my own life by working, aiming for things, knowing i am getting somewhere in life..

also your dh sounds like a bit of an unpleasant man, is there any way you could get counselling or leave him?

I can completely relate, although in my case it was a domineering father that sucked my confidence away. I was so self-conscious that I genuinely used to wish that I could go around with a paper bag over my head! I'm now, after grim teenage years and depressed twenties, enjoying my thirties and can hold my own in a group.
Four things that helped me: getting away from the negatives in my life (in my case I severed all ties with my father); realising that everyone else feels a bit like this - they're not all super-confident even if they seem like it; getting some therapy - I got all that crap from my childhood out and then more or less let it go; and, ASKING LOTS OF QUESTIONS - an excellent coping mechanism in tough social situations. It deflects attention away but also helps build connections with others. You could have some pre-prepared if that helps, listen to the answers and follow up with more. Most people like it if you seem interested in them.