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Relationships

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Original poster

How to tell a friend I no longer want to be friends?

16 replies

Vintagelace00 · 20/01/2015 16:23

I made friends with a group of mums at school about 2 years ago, it was all going well till one firend singled me out and became quite intense quite quickly. At first i didnt mind, but over the past 6 mths Ive had enough, she text me 10 times aday, turns up on my doorstep at all hours, she has told me far too much info regards her personal life that makes mw uncomfortable. And so it goes on.
When we broke up for xmas I decided now was the time to distance myself, i dont reply to messages I dont asnwer the door when she comes round, i try and by pass her in the play ground, but she still isnt getting the message.
I dont know how to tell her without hurting her feelings, as i know she will take it hard.
Any tips or ideas more than welcome.

OP posts:

MonstrousRatbag · 20/01/2015 16:27

I expect she is probably pretty hurt already, what you are doing is hardly the kinder option. Invite her out for coffee and be straight but gentle. You can soften the blow by saying you've got stuff gioing on and need space.

morethanpotatoprints · 20/01/2015 16:28

Just keep on as you are and she will eventually get the message.
Even the most thick skinned get it in the end.
Can you not talk to her and let her down gently to avoid confrontation.

Something on the lines of how busy you are now, with hardly anytime to see friends.

If you are avoiding her, is the constant trying that is annoying you? It can't be her company because you aren't with her anymore?

pinkfrocks · 20/01/2015 16:31

Does she know you are in when you don't answer the door?

Your behaviour is pretty cold.

Most people would drop her gradually- first taking longer to reply to texts, or not at all sometimes, then not being quick to take up invites, etc.

You've gone from 1 -10 ( 1= gentle withdrawal, 10 = complete fall out) in one fell swoop.

She must be really puzzled.

Original poster

Vintagelace00 · 20/01/2015 17:00

It has been more gradual then it appears, ive tried saying im busy, and taking a day or so to reply, it the contant texts, 'where am I?' 'what am i doing' 'How was your day at work' even my husband doesnt ask me that many questions.
Im just worried fom knowing her and how intense she is, that i tell her she is being intense she will take it really hard. as she has some full on confidence issues.

OP posts:

MonstrousRatbag · 20/01/2015 17:07

What else can you do? And since she's not taking the hint, you will have to tell her plainly. It is kinder in the long run.

jackydanny · 20/01/2015 17:12

Just be polite and brief.
Use closed replies.

'Busy atm, see you around'

Also think about how you would like someone to treat you in this situation.
I wouldn't burn any bridges.

Mumzy · 20/01/2015 17:19

I would continue the friendship but manoeuvre it so it's more on my terms. I'd arrange to have a coffee with her and say something to the effect of " enjoy her company but have lots going on so will only be able to meet up occasionally. Also if she turns up on your doorstep just tell her it's not a good time and you need to get on. Decide how often you want to get together with her and stick to it.

ohbollocks2u · 20/01/2015 18:33

Lovely , so you've gone from seeing her all the time to practically cold shouldering her

Can't you just say that life is a little busy at the moment and you'll catch up when you can

You don't need to be rude

MaryShelley · 20/01/2015 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaisingMen · 20/01/2015 18:50

Wow, I'd be incredibly hurt if someone treated me like that. Yes she may be annoying, but you're being down right rude. At least have the bollocks to talk to her and tell her what the problem is.

Vivacia · 20/01/2015 18:50

This isn't a very kind or adult way of dealing with your friendship OP.

I second the suggestions that you are more clear with your boundaries. Reply briefly to her first text of the day, "Hi, bit of a hectic day today, catch up at the cafe on Friday at 11am for a coffee?".

IvanOsokin · 20/01/2015 19:12

You could be a bit more gentle and explain that you're not able to be around as much as you were. It's kinder than just dumping her.

Someone in a tight-knit friendship group dropped me without explanation and it still hurts 10 years later, mainly because I still agonise over what I may have done.

KouignAmann · 20/01/2015 19:24

That happened to me too Ivan twenty years ago and the hurt still stings sometimes. I had moved to the same city as a close friend from Uni who had DC the same age and sex as mine and I was really looking forward to spending time with her family. After one meet-up that I thought went well she gave me "the talk" and I never saw her again. I still don't quite understand what happened.

So OP - be kind to this friend. Tell her you have too many commitments and won't be around as much for a while. Or be honest and say you are finding it hard to deal with her issues. But don't leave her wondering!

rosiepinkcheeks · 20/01/2015 19:30

I would suggest you put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if someone you enjoyed spending time with stopped contact and didnt give a reason?

IvanOsokin · 20/01/2015 19:43

Sorry to hear this happened to you too KouignAmann. Horrible, isn't it?

OP, do you think you'll talk to her?

GloopySoupy · 20/01/2015 21:03

Im just worried fom knowing her and how intense she is, that i tell her she is being intense she will take it really hard. as she has some full on confidence issues.

Your current course of action isn't going to be any easier though is it? Is the real problem that if you tell her straight, you'll have to witness the hurt?

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone so intense either. Sadly there isn't a pain-free option to ending the friendship.

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