Think i have to go

[thinkimadeamistake]

I posted in doghouse originally but here goes..

I have been with my husband 5 years, married for one.
We have children and pets, a dog and a cat.

When we first met he was everything you would want in a partner, very kind, patient, funny, etc.
It wasn't until we were engaged (3 year year anniversary) that I started to get doubts.
Most of the time he was still kind, considerate etc but he was stressed with work, so he said, occasionally he would get very angry at me for relatively small things but then feel very bad and apologise profusely.

Shortly before we were due to get married we were going out, it was pouring rain and my mum had bought him a waterproof cost for Christmas. He put on his old non waterproof one, I asked about mums coat and whether he liked it and he went nuts. He screamed and shouted and threw an umbrella towards me with such force that it made a hole in the wall.

I was a little scared of him from then on but married him.
On our wedding day we had the first dance but the dance floor was a flop.
Very self conscious anyway I didn't want to be the only one dancing, he developed the same threatening look and tone as before and made me cry.

Later, we moved in together.
Sometimes it was lovely but sometimes again he would go nuts over very minor things like the vacuuming not being done or me forgetting to buy crisps.

The arguments are INTENSE, he basically looks at me like he wants to kill me, calls me every name under the sun, threatens to divorce, I am a shit wife, stupid cunt, lazy, shit mother, shit housewife etc etc, he kicks stuff over, he throws stuff 'in my direction' like phones, iPads etc, he smashes stuff. He broke ceramic spoons that were a gift to me from my mum, smashed up heart shaped plates I had bought. It is very frightening. He has never hit me but he has got right in my face, pushed me, pinned me against walls, grabbed hold of my arm (hard) and he once held my arm and literally dragged me down the stairs.
When in labour, he walked out but not before throwing a water bottle 'in my direction' then later returned.
During rows he is a different person, he is cold and calculating.

I once had a panic attack and couldn't breathe during a fight - he laughed.
During rows he has managed to break kitchen cupboards by throwing things at them and put a hole in the staircase.
There is no reasoning with him, he just goes so far.

Nothing I do is good enough, there is something I am doing wrong.
He attacks me saying the house is dirty (it isn't, I am a house proud person), that I'm selfish (I'm not) that I put the animals first (I dont)

He has a problem with the fact that I like charity and have asked for donations to water aid as birthday gifts before.

Apparently I am 'all for the animals and Niggers' - his words.

When he is nice he is perfect but even one row leaves me feeling lost and sometimes suicidal, wanting to leave due to the intensity.

I have been prescribed anti depressants but could not take them due to side effects, I have a Cbt appointment next week.
I am fragile and he knows it.

I get better and he just brings me down, little snidey comments here and there.

I don't think I can deal with it anymore.
He doesn't think he needs help or anger management or anything, it's me that annoys him.

Yes, you have to go . He sounds just awful, and anyone who can do and say those things isn't ever perfect. They're always a twat but sometimes less obviously so. You deserve better. As do your children

Yes. Absolutely. ASAP!!!!

He is an abusive bullying bastard.

But be very careful. Violence tends to escalate at the point the victim decides to leave. Do you have any friends or family to help you?

Yes..yes you do have to go. You have to leave because your husband is abusive bully and will continue to make your life hell.
It is not your fault he behaves this way, he chooses to scare, verbally assault and threaten you.
This is a very unhealthy environment for your children to grow up in.
Speak to Women's Aid for advice on how to go about extricating yourself from this dreadful man.

Yes you do.

He is extremely bad for you and sounds dangerous.

He has knowingly to you to a point where you are very low and vulnerable. You do need to get out of this situation.

He is a violent abuser. He may not have hit you but he is violent and terrifying. I'm afraid he ticks all the boxes for the nastiest kind of domestic abuse.

Have you RL friends and family you can rely on. There are other people who know more than me, but please please ring Women's Aid and tell them what you told us in your OP.

You absolutely know what you have to do. You have to act now - while you are still strong enough to do it. And do it for your children - get all your strength together and end this awful relationship.

None of it is your fault. Don't spend time blaming yourself or asking yourself why he is an arsehole, plenty of time for that... just make the right plans to get him out of your life.

Good luck OP. And don't tell him what you are planning.

Get the hell out. He might not be hitting you but he is abusing you? Do you have somewhere safe to go?

I know he not always like that either OP. No abuser ever is...after all, if he was horrible every minute of every day, you'd have left a long time ago wouldn't you?

All abusers temper their abusive episodes with periods of normality, pleasantness and intimacy. It's what they use to keep you there. It serves them well to have their victim think that they are somehow to blame for the episode, that he wouldn't have gone off on one, if only they hadn't (insert petty shite he uses as an excuse to abuse you here). That he was reasonable and nice until you (whatever).

His abuse has escalated hasn't it? It will continue to escalate, and no matter what you say, he will continue to blame you and minimise his devastating behaviour.

Your marrige is a lost cause for you I'm afraid. Run...run for the fucking hills woman!

OP what you describe is unbearable.
Have you spoken to friends or family? You must.
You are only fragile because he has worn you down.
Please get away before he beats you down any more.

Agreeing with others, you can't carry on living in that environment. It's dangerous and no amount of anti-depressants taken by you are going to turn this violent man into a decent human being. If you haven't already made arrangements to get out safely please contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and ask their advice.

The right AD can get you in a better place to deal with all this, so it might be worth going back to the GP. It is quite a common thing for it to take time to find the right one for your physiology.

And I agree with the advice above. He is abusive, and you should get out - although it can take time to plan and execute saftely. Your MH will improve greatly when you go.

Echoing all the pps.

He's a classic abuser. You know what you need to do. It's not your fault, you can't change him (and don't need to, he is his own problem).

You say when he's nice he's perfect, but in the same sentence you say you feel suicidal after a row. Nobody needs to be perfect, but his behaviour is totally unacceptable. No amount of being "nice" (when it suits him) makes up for him causing you to feel anxious, frightened, depressed, fragile and suicidal.

If you had a friend, relative or work colleague who made you feel all or any of those things would you be questioning your behaviour, or removing yourself from their influence ?

Trust me, tell people in RL, start to make plans as to how you will leave him, but ensure he is unaware of your plans at this stage. Do it as soon as possible, before you are dragged under any further.

So sorry that you find yourself in this position. There's lots of help out there (and on here), you can do this. Massively easy for me to type, but how easy is your life if you stay ?

Sending you good wishes, take care.

None of this is your doing.

He is the only person who controls his words and actions, and he chooses to use his mouth to call you a cunt, and use his hands to throw things at you and pin you against walls.

You do not make him do this by "annoying him". He does it because he wants to.

I am so very sorry that you are in this situation, and yes you need to get out.

I know I have to, I can't handle it anymore.
I will ring round the rescues tomorrow while he is at work I think, they can't stay with him.

Where can I go?
Would I be able to stay in our rented house (joint tenancy) or would I have to stay with friends?

Here are some of the people you can turn to for help, as and when you feel you need them:

• Women's Aid, tel 0808 2000 247 can provide advice and a listening ear, names of local solicitors, shelters, moral support...

• CAB or family law solicitors: to help you prepare for divorce

• online benefits calculators: so that you are armed with knowledge of what you will be entitled to as a single parent

• the police: if you want to report violent incidents, or alert them that you are about to leave a violent man, to have your address flagged. Many police stations will have a domestic violence liaison officer: ask to speak to them.

• a good supportive friend: to unburden yourself in real life about what is going on in your marriage; so helpful morally

• a therapist: you will have a lot of issues to untangle: being abused leaves its psychological mark.

There is a lot of help out there, OP, once you start reaching out for it. You can do this. Good luck.

You both have kids in this?

Do it for them if not for yourself. You need RL help ASAP.