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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Angry & upset... Please give me your perspective on this

11 replies

Lsmum · 18/10/2006 08:09

My ds is 6 and is in his first year of school. I have been friends with another mum at the school since last year - a mother of ds' friend.

Since the beginning I knew she was a bit unreliable, even though she'd be as nice as pie when you see her. She would say 'I'll ring you' and then never ring, she would organise to catch up on a certain day and then 'forget' about it, and if I left a message on her answerphone she wouldn't return the call most of the time. Before you think I've been stalking her (!!) this woman instigated the friendship and is usually the one to suggest getting together. I almost got to the point of not bothering with her anymore but then we began meeting regularly at the playground once a week after school. Each week for months, we automatically met there every Tuesday with the kids and have a chat while they played together - it was quite a nice arrangement. Then at the beginning of last term, she just stopped turning up. No messages or explanations, just stopped coming. I know she is busy as she has 3 kids and takes in homestay students from time to time, but she never even tried to contact me until I got a text message out of the blue, about six weeks later. All she said was "Do you want to meet up soon?" and I returned the text saying, "ok". But when I sent her a message the following week to arrange a day to meet up, she never responded. I was SO annoyed but just let it go, as I was starting to think the whole thing was a waste of time. Finally, the other day (about 6 weeks later again) I saw her at the school and she acted like nothing had happened . She said 'why don't we meet at the playground again on Tuesday afternoon' & I agreed, thinking I'll give it another shot. So I took ds to the playground straight after school & waited for her - nothing. About 20 minutes later I happened to see her driving out of the school grounds, so it appears she had simply picked up her son and left. (SHE HAS MY MOBILE NUMBER MIND YOU, SHE COULD'VE RUNG ME TO CANCEL). By 3.30pm I was so angry that we'd been left sitting there, and I was even more annoyed that ds had been let down as well. I tried to ring her cell phone but there was no answer, and I thought about sending her a very pointed text but then decided I wanted to speak to her personally. Later when I rang her & asked why she didn't turn up (she didn't apologise once), she just said 'oh, it was a very hectic afternoon and I KNEW I was supposed to meet you, but I thought I'd just go straight home because I've had such a busy day." I told her that ds and I had waited for half an hour at the playground for them to turn up, and I let her know that I was angry at not receiving any phone call or text to let me know that she wasn't coming (once again). She completely ignored the fact that she'd left us waiting, and then she suggested meeting up one afternoon next week instead. I said 'No I can't, I'm too busy next week' and just cut the conversation off. I was so angry I'm surprised it didn't let her have it.

I feel childish for getting so annoyed with her, but she has done this sort of thing too many times. I now know that I won't be pursuing the friendship any more. Have I acted like a sucker for putting up with it for so long, and how would others have reacted? Did I do the right thing to let her know I was angry? The difficult thing is, my ds has to go to her son's birthday party next week and I think it's going to be a bit awkward. I just can't believe a person could be so devoid of manners.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 18/10/2006 08:24

I think this is what ha[ppens when an organised person is friends with a disorganised one

you have to just take it or leave it i think

plenty more fish in the sea, don't get too het up and move on

Piffle · 18/10/2006 08:25

you've reached your limits, let it go now.

jeangenie · 18/10/2006 08:27

I think you did the right thing letting her know you were angry, whether she really picked up on it is another matter, she does sound fairly thick skinned

you've already decided not to pursue the friendship and I'd stick to that, fine if you bump into her in the park etc but I would NEVER wait around or go anywhere with specific plan of meeting her again

but it doesn't sound like there are any hard feelings on her side at least (sounds like water off a duck's back tbh) so I wouldn't worry about going to the party at all

dust yourself off and get on with the friends who have better manners!

LemonTart · 18/10/2006 08:29

agree with zippi. There is a good chance that none of this is about manners, thought or trying to offend you - just that she is a busy mum with three kids, full of good intentions and just fails to follow through on everything she commits herself to. It is annoying and I understand you are cross. Either put up with it for your son?s sake in order to keep up a child?s friendship or tell her, possibly cause a big row and poss lose your chil?s friend for him in the process?
I would do a reasonably well humoured "what happened to you last week!?" type thing with a smile and give the opportunity to do the "oh gosh, I am so embarrassed.." conversation.

LemonTart · 18/10/2006 08:30

Actually - as she seems so thick skinned, telling her again and making a biggie out of it is probably pointless. I don?t think the birthday party will be awkward as she seems fairly oblivious !

zippitippitoes · 18/10/2006 08:33

I missed the party bit...just go any way i don't think it will be awkward (you won't be staying will you anyway)

ps I find it hard to read posts with no spces

NotQuiteCockney · 18/10/2006 08:34

It really sounds as if she doesn't have the same idea of how things work as you do - you see playdates as firm, she sees them as tentative. I do think she sounds a little strange, but not horrible, iyswim.

I am fairly chaotic myself, but at least apologetic when I forget playdates (I only think it's happened once, but I did feel badly). My mum friends vary from the extremely reliable to the very relaxed. I do have one who totally fails to return phone messages and smses, but it's just how she is, I know she is this way with other people, too, so it's not worth getting annoyed about.

But it certainly sounds like you two aren't a good "fit", as friends, so I'd probably let it go.

anorak · 18/10/2006 08:42

Gosh, you people are far more tolerant than I! I'd be livid if someone messed me about like this. I'd have given up long before you did, Lsmum. And I wouldn't bother going to the party as just seeing the woman would irritate me.

I wouldn't dream of arranging to meet someone and then letting them down without telling them and I expect people to treat me with the same courtesy.

If I were you, the next time this woman suggested meeting up I'd say, no thanks, I've got better things to do than stand around waiting for half an hour when you can't even be bothered to spend 30 seconds phoning me to tell me you're too busy. Why is this woman's time more valuable and important than yours? It's plain and simple rudeness and if you keep accepting it she'll keep dishing it out.

Bozza · 18/10/2006 08:45

nqc you forgetting one play date once is nothing like this. I have unreliable friends but they are not nearly as bad as this.

How close a friends is your DS with her DS? If you want to maintain a friendship for the children, invite him round after school and collect him directly from school - that way the mother doesn't have to remember! Were you planning to leave him at the party or to stay?

Lsmum · 18/10/2006 09:11

I'm definitely just going to drop him off at the party and NOT stay, Bozza. I even considered not letting ds go to the party, but I guess I can't really do that can I. Prior to this, I would've stayed there with him as I've been to a couple of functions at her place before, but as anorak said - just seeing her will irritate me now. I am a very reliable person and if I can't make it, I will let someone know - it's just completely unacceptable to leave someone sitting there waiting for you.

I'm trying to stop myself from feeling hurt but if she's this kind of person, then she's probably treated other people the same way too (I don't think it's just me). I've never met anyone quite this bad before actually - none of my friends have ever acted the same way this woman has, even though they can be a bit slack sometimes. They will always let me know if they can't make it for whatever reason. She probably IS a bit thick, and no she's not 'horrible' NQC, but I've gotten to the point where I can't take her being so... unconcerned/oblivious to how she's treating me.

OP posts:
RunOutOfSteam · 18/10/2006 11:03

I can really understand what you are feeling. I too had a 'so called' friend who behaved like this. She never actually make a date and not showed up but she was certainly in the habit of cancelling on a frequent basis. I kept going as I really liked her so much but the final straw came when I had not seen or heard from her for a while and I found outthrough a friend of a friend that she was actually pregnant. I had no idea and yes, I telephoned her yet again. Full of apoloies she was about not many people knew and she was unwell etc etc. She had the baby and again we tried to meet up and it just never materialised. Hurt as I was and I did hurt, I just forgot about her until I bumped into her almost a year later. Again said I was call, I had to leave message, did she respond? NO so there I was feeling hurt all over again and missing her with all the rotten feeling fresh in my heart agin. Who needs friends like these. I have a few REAL friends, the others? mere acqaintances

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