So angry with DH, but don't know if I am being unfair

[feesh]

This will probably out me, but never mind.

I left my job 4 years ago so DH and I could come out to the Middle East to work. Since then, I haven't worked at all, but we have had twins who are now toddlers, and I was just starting to think about looking for a job (I am very employable over here) now they are a bit older.

The main reasons for moving here were because our lifestyle in the UK was awful - we lived in a tiny house, had a big mortgage, I absolutely HATED my job with a passion (had bullying bosses and was receiving counselling for it) and DH was commuting 2-3 hours a day into London and back.

Since we have been here, DH has been promoted. Money is good, but we don't save any money, as cost of living here is astronomical. But we are comfortable.

He has been unhappy in his job for about a year; the contracts which he is responsible for managing are slowly disappearing and they are trying to employ more locals instead of expats, so he feels a bit insecure in general.

Other than that, he seems to have it quite good to be honest - a good team, good relationship with his bosses, nice lunches out, always leaves at 5pm on the dot, short commute etc.

Over the last year too, our relationship has been a bit crap - we don't have a sex life at all, and he's been a little insensitive sometimes towards how hard I have found things as a SAHM, which has made me lose a bit of respect for him I guess. Having twins has been an epic strain on our relationship, but he is a good dad and he genuinely pulls his weight around the house very well indeed.

A couple of months ago, completely out of the blue, he told me that he'd applied for a job in the UK. I was completely shocked by this, as I had no idea how hard he'd been finding things at work - he was saying he couldn't take it any more, that he had to leave before the job caused him to have a breakdown etc. I was pretty devastated, because (a) I don't want to go back to the UK and (b) I kind of assumed we would discuss any major international move before planning anything.

I'm not anti-UK in general; the problem I've actually got with going back is that he HAS to work in London because of the nature of his work, I've had a 4-year career break and am not going to find it easy to get a job any more, plus we are now a family of 4 plus cat plus dog and we would seriously struggle to live within commuting distance of London, plus I know he would be miserable again commuting. If we could go anywhere else in England, I would be happy to go back, but not to London.

Anyway I've put my concerns to one side and he's been merrily applying for jobs ever since. Thankfully, not all of them in the UK, so I was actually starting to feel a little bit positive about moving on.

I have tried to be supportive. I've been seeing a counsellor myself to help me deal with ongoing depression, which I think started when the twins were born, and this has helped me try and get my head around supporting my husband. We are also starting marriage counselling anyway next week because of the ongoing lack of sex etc.

This morning though, he dropped an absolute clanger, and I have gone from trying to be supportive to feeling downright angry with him and feeling very unsupportive.

Basically, as we were sat in bed this morning, he announced that he was probably going to hand his notice in and we would all move back to the UK ASAP and live off savings, as he would find job hunting easier to do from the UK.

The problem is, we don't have many savings (he knows this) and he also has a history of being a bit crap with responsibility (seems to be a bit of a family trait I'm afraid) and I just feel like he needs to man the fuck up and not put his family in jeopardy like this.

He has a history of catastrophising everything, always exaggerates about literally everything he ever talks about (which is why I kind of tuned out to how bad his job was earlier last year), whenever he is feeling negative about something has to share the misery out so everyone feels miserable etc etc.

It would literally cost us thousands of pounds just to move back to the UK (exporting our stuff plus our pets plus flights plus rental deposit on a house plus other setting up home expenses) and we would be living off thin air as soon as we landed. This would be fine with a job to go back to, but without a job? No way.

He is at work today and I've been stewing all day over this, so I just needed to write it all down and get some perspective.

I've been in an awful job, which nearly killed me, which I stuck at for 7 years before we moved here. It was so bad that I was getting counselling on the NHS and regularly thought about crashing my car into a tree on the way into work every day, and cried on the way home. I would never have just left though and relied on him to pay the mortgage. But I do have sympathy for the toll that a bad job can take.

The thing is, I don't understand what is SO bad about his job that warrants such an extreme reaction from him, a husband, a father. I know he feels a bit insecure at work, and the working environment IS difficult in the Middle East, but he has a great relationship with his colleagues and the work itself isn't particularly stressful or difficult.

Am I being a selfish twat? Honestly? How are we going to get through this? What shall I say to him tonight? Because right now I want to rip his head off as soon as he walks through the door and lecture him about how he's been brought up with absolutely zero sense of responsibility harsh but fair and that now he is a husband and a dad he needs to find other ways of dealing with his shit without bringing the rest of us down.

You seem to be lacking some compassion.

If I were you, I'd decide what I wanted to do, and what I was prepared to consider. Though, given how selfish he is & how he seems to think you'll just do as he decides you will, something on my own with the children would be featuring very very high on my 'want to do ' list.

Such arrogance.

Lacking compassion?

God give me strength.

Chipping you seem quite angry...

I feel sorry for your husband but it sounds like he's not thinking things through, you both need to talk about this together.

Staying in a job you hate is soul destroying.

It could be arrogance, but it could be sheer desperation.

I think the key here is compromise.

If he wants to go back to the UK, then fine. If it HAS to be London, then okay, but you insist on finding accommodation first, and working out the practicalities.

You are allowed to put your foot down and say it would be irresponsible and downright foolish to move back with no job prospects, no savings, and no plan other than "hope job comes up", when you have a family to raise.

I agree with Tyzer. You're coming across very aggressive on this thread chipping.

Have you considered that it might be more than the job getting him down? The Middle East is a very different environment to the UK, and wouldn't suit everyone. Perhaps he just wants to 'go home'.

Changing career is daunting, not guaranteed to be a success, and the idea of starting again at the bottom when you have spent years working your way up in a specialised field is very unappealing so I can sympathise with his desire to stick with what he knows. I think you should be sensitive to that. As for running B&B, for starters you'd need a sizeable property, but would be unable to get a mortgage without a job. Further more, most mortgage companies now require you to have been in your job for a specified length of time before they will take your salary into account, which would make things difficult. Lending has also been cut back in the hospitality industry, so anyone buying a hotel or similar basically needs to be a cash buyer. How do you propose to get into the business without a mortgage?

I think your DH has made a reactionary decision, and if you sit down together and spreadsheet the financial implications of his rash proposal he may well wise up a bit. Ripping his head off will have the opposite effect, so in your shoes I'd be supportive and discuss a realistic way forward.

If however you do not under any circumstances want to return to the UK that's a very different situation, and probably one that requires less relationship advice and more practical job hunting and child care advice.

Feesh, sorry to hear about your predicament.

Just struck me that you might be quite identifiable from this thread to anyone who knows you and your DH. Because of the job implications (if his firm knew he was planning to leave) might be worth asking MNHQ to edit the OP for you to make you less identifiable.

Ever been in a stressful job that you loathe? And I don’t mean a few busy weeks of working late due to some deadline, I am talking about lying awake at night with worry, getting that anxious feeling midway through a Sunday as the new week approaches, heart palpitations, the feeling of no light at the end of the tunnel, headaches, depression, loss of confidence, evaporating sex life, and a sense of failure because it is seen as weak that you are not coping etc I have been there, it is fucking horrible, damages your health and does lead you to consider rash exit strategies because you can’t bare it for one more day.

It's about time you both started talking. You were taken by surprise he was finding things this bad, ask him why he feels unable to talk to you and how it makes you feel to find out only after he's made a decision he thinks you should jump to.

Likewise, you're just as bad as you're not telling him how you feel either.

Often just getting understanding a backup can be enough to ease the strain so listen to his issues, ffs don't compare him to you and put down his rights to feel retched! Instead commiserate, be understanding and then use that as a springboard to making a plan towards where you'd both ideally like be in terms of location and work in 5 years time and strategise to attain that goal.

Doesn't Jersey have a financial entry requirement?

You mentioned staying there by yourself. Correct me if I am wrong but I was under the impression that women couldnt rent an apartment themselves? Cant drive a car? That there isnt really daycare as such so you would need a nanny which will cost.......

Its not something I would consider at all, given that women have such little power over themselves and their children in the ME.

Living costs in the UK are huge at the moment. It sounds to me like he is in meltdown and not thinking straight. Can you all go back and live with/near family, who can help with the kids/costs/etc. while he (and perhaps you) look for jobs?

Start making the decisions yourself instead of him unilaterally doing it.

Why not get yourself a job back in the UK in a location that suits you and could work for him? Maybe Edinburgh, maybe Jersey, maybe outer London near a fast train service. You all move back, he's SAHP until he gets a job.

I have worked in financial services in London. The easiest way to get a job at short notice is to go "contracting". It also pays very well. This will only be viable if he is highly experienced (but I expect he is based on what you said).

On a separate note, I have had friends return from the ME because the DH had a great friendly office atmosphere where his colleagues actively encouraged him to take a mistress or at least sleep around and gently mocked him for not doing so. He also saw his friends' expat wives become depressed and withdrawn. His fellow expats were all having affairs (people he would never have thought it of in the UK). The lifestyle wasn't worth it. He saw his wife becoming depressed, he saw the drip drip drip of misogyny affecting his own behaviour. He decided to get them out of there before it was too late. They are fine now (living in Europe doing banking).

Edinburgh is a much nicer place to live than London & has all the advantages of a capital city e.g. arts venues in a much smaller area & very accessible countryside & coast. It has to be said its a wee bit colder though....

Hi, are you sure he hasn't lost his job or in risk of losing his job and is too proud to say? Just a thought x

If that was to the OP, SleeplessinUlanBator, what a bizarre response. Did you even read the OP? Or any of her subsequent posts?

How far down is the bottom where you are compared to in the Uk? If he lost his job there, what would happen? Is there social security and would you have a place to live?

where we live (outskirts of a major uk city), you can rent a 3 bed for 500-600 pcm. Even with a low paid job, you could manage and start to rebuild. You would get some top up, tax credits with four children, child benefit etc. There's beautiful countryside to walk in nearby, schools are ok, two major universities, one being russell group for career changing purposes and retraining. It's not a glamorous life at times but it's nice. Sounds like you both need a break from chronic worry TBH.