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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH gone, but struggling to accept

6 replies

Cassawoof · 20/01/2015 10:25

My DH has left me about 5 months ago and has moved out. He has made his decision and doesn't want to try to reconcile but tells me every now and then he worries it's a horrible mistake. This is not due to feelings he has for me, but I think the reality of actually going through with the separation. Having to buy a new house, not see his kids so much etc. He's followed the script for a mid-life crisis, re-written our past so he can't think of much good about us, has a long list of issues with me/my failings (how I didn't put the shopping away, how I swept the floor), how I run the house, bring up the children, we never did things together etc. He has a stressful job with long hours and was rarely around, I mostly managed the house, 2 DCs and worked 4 days myself. Despite me saying these things can be worked on I "haven't shown him that I have changed". I know it's over, but I still love him and he's a decent kind man, no OW etc. Actually he was uncommunicative and always tired and stressed, his job has taken him over, but I wasn't positive enough. Separation will be ok, my DCs will stay in their home. But I'm 42 and have been with him for many years and can't face starting all over again. Not that I have that choice anyway. But I am devastated for my DCs that we can't make it work and struggling with my uncertain future.

OP posts:
newyear15 · 20/01/2015 10:42

I think he is very cruel leaving and then saying it is a horrible mistake. Seems like he is keeping you on the backburner in case his shiny new life doesn't work out quite how he planned.

I disagree and say this is textbook OW behaviour tbh.

But regardless of that you need to not communicate with him any more. You are no longer his sounding board or there for him to criticise, massage his ego or for you to beg him to take you back. Time you grew a backbone. Sorry.

ImperialBlether · 20/01/2015 10:48

I'd be very surprised if there wasn't another woman, tbh. It's one thing moaning about your relationship, but the fact he's upped and gone indicates there was someone else to go to.

It's very likely there was equal blame rather than it all resting on you. I wouldn't allow him to place all responsibility for the break up on your shoulders.

Sad to say, the quickest way to regain his interest is to show him you are happy without him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/01/2015 10:48

I'm sorry you've been so badly let down and I'm even more sorry that he's choosing to put all the blame full square on your shoulders whilst at the same time whining about buying a new house etc. He is not a 'decent, kind man' he is a very cruel, cold and selfish individual who is dangling false hopes in front of you one minute and slapping you in the face the next.

What's wrong with this picture is that you're not angry yet You're devastated & worrying how you'll cope but where's the fury at being dumped like yesterday's chips? You're making excuses for his behaviour (mid-life crisis), you're taking all his ridiculous, petty insults (how you swept the floor ffs???!!!) on the chin and even offering to make changes, you are listening to his self-indulgent complaints.....

You can and will cope but you're going to have to toughen up. Stop talking to the pathetic little shit for a start. No more cosy chats about his fears he's made a mistake..... NYP (Not Your Problem). If you have to communicate for practical reasons keep it to e-mails. Start putting real distance between you and the emotional distance will follow.

At the same time get some support. I know he would normally be the person you turned to in a crisis but he is not a friend any more. So please be with people who actually like you rather than someone who wants to tell you don't put the shopping away properly. Fill your spare time with interesting stuff. Block out the diary. Book a weekend away or a holiday for the summer... have things to look forward to.

But please leave him to his own devices.

Vivacia · 20/01/2015 12:27

I agree with the others, for god's sake stop being his friend. If your sweeping is so terrible than I'd presume he doesn't want to spend a second whinging to you about how difficult his life is at the moment. All contact must be by email now, and business-like.

Have you had legal advice?

You're only 42, time to get excited about this next stage of your life, and all of it's potential.

Jan45 · 20/01/2015 12:59

So he goes as far as to move out and start a new life and then has the cheek to say to you, it might turn out a big mistake, seriously, stop being his friend, he's let you down so badly, take him at his actions, he really means it and yes, he is probably thinking because of your niceness that you will take him back if it doesn't work out - I too would suspect an OW. Distant yourself and get yourself financially savvy, stop thinking about him and get on with your life, his actions are enough to tell you to move on.

Jan45 · 20/01/2015 13:00

42 is young enough to start a new life!

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