Scared my relationship is over

[Mummyjetsetter]

We had a huge argument last night, started off as something silly and escalated so quickly. We're both snappy and firey so we do argue but this one lead to him throwing a few small objects at me then a glass of water! I filled the glass and threw that over him. This isn't normal behaviour for him or me. He then said we're over and I can take the kids. We've been together 12 years so this all seems a bit drastic for what started off as a petty thing. Thanks for listening.

I think that once things get physical, you are much better to take a break from each other, to both calm down and work out where to go next.

If you have children together then he should move out while you both reconsider your relationship. Counselling might help you both, either individually or together (if you intend to stay together in the long run.)

I think it's probably for the best.

It's not normal, healthy or a good life for children for the two of you to be so volatile and throwing stuff at each other. They need you to be more mature than that. It's unacceptable that he threw stuff at you. It's breathtaking that after having thrown several things at you, it's "over" because you threw something back at him!

So he should be allowed to throw things at you without any response from you?

Yes. It is best that he leaves and it's best for the children that they stay with the parent that throws the fewest objects at people.

"Firey", "snappy" - they're not good things and it's important to work on them. A relationship needs to be calmer than that.

Do you have somewhere to go or are you going to stay in the family home?

I agree that 'firey' and 'snappy' are really not good things to have in a relationship, especially when it escalates in the way you describe over what, on the face of it, is nothing much. Suggests repressed anger, resentment, frustration.... none of which are healthy. Children growing up in an atmosphere of firey, snappy arguing are often very damaged.

Does sound like you need time apart to cool down but then - much more importantly if you want to continue with the relationship - you have to find a way to conduct things in a more constructive, mature and less volatile way than in the past.

I can't really go anywhere, I moved away from my family 11 years ago to live here and I have a child at school so not that simple, he owns everything and we're not married, he wouldn't leave the house, it would have to be me and I'm the main parent and would never leave my kids without me. This is a new thing and the kids were sound asleep, nothing has ever happened in front of them and we are very happy 99% of the time. I'm not fearful for my safety at all. It was just a very strange occurrence like the straw that broke the camels back. It might not even be my decision, he left for work without a word so who knows what he's thinking this morning!

If you think you have no choices then chances are so does he. That kind of inequality and insecurity does not lead to a good relationship. If you've been together 12 years why does he own everything?

I'm a stay at home mum, he is the breadwinner and nothing has ever been in my name, kept woman I guess. I have financial freedom just no assets.

No assets, nowhere to go and therefore no choices..... Dependency might seem like a smart choice when it's all going well but it doesn't take much - an argument that turns into physical abuse, and suddenly finding out you're surplus to requirements - to make you realise just how exposed you actually are as an unmarried woman with nothing to your name.

That's why you're scared.

He owns everything and you're not married?

That puts you in a very difficult financial position. But not impossible. I think you need legal advice, on how much child maintenance you could claim from him. Also, look at an online benefits calculator as well to see what you would be entitled to as a lone parent.
Knowledge is power, and you'll be better able to make a plan once you know what your financial position is in case of a split.

Do you work?

ah missed your last post. You're an unmarried SAHM.

Gather information on his assets, his salary, and get advice from CAB.

A snappy and fiery relationship, where you are a kept woman, and that has escalated into physical violence, and where you and the children have basically been dismissed as surplus to requirements... I think you might also need advice from Women's Aid (0808 2000 247).

When were you last in work? Are there jobs you could apply for as you are, or would you need additional training?

Are you it wasn't deliberately escalated by him to result in ending the relationship? Like he was just looking for an excuse? Sounds ridiculous to end a 99% happy relationship over one stupid row, even if you were both behaving childishly. Having said that, I'm not sure I would equate '99% happy' with 'fiery and snappy'

I find it very hard to believe that this became violent over a petty argument, there must be issues that caused it to escalate to that degree, that is not normal.

Also, you are mad to be in a position of being a kept woman, what is the situation with the house and bills?