Stranger in my own home.

[Sharlatan]

Before I start, I am mostly happy and my OH is loving and generous, most of the time.

The rest of the time I feel in a limbo where I doubt if anybody in the house would even notice were I not here. OH will ask questions relating to whatever she happens to be engrossed in, but takes little to no interest in my answers, will lie in bed next to me but is so distant she could be on the far side of the planet. I fully understand she has reason for this but, selfish as I know I'm being, it doesn't help my loneliness. If I try to broach the distance I'm told she needs space, or she becomes defensive and yet more distant.

I know she loves me and tells me as much, often. I guess what I'm asking is whether I'm just being miserable for its own sake, or whether anybody has advice on letting her know how it makes me feel without making her think I hate her for it (which I don't).

OH will ask questions relating to whatever she happens to be engrossed in, but takes little to no interest in my answers, will lie in bed next to me but is so distant she could be on the far side of the planet.

Hi Sharlatan, this is my marriage most of the time so I feel for you .

I fully understand she has reason for this

What are her reasons?

I suppose a lot depends on how often you feel isolated and the reasons you OH behaves like that.

Are you being too needy? Is your OH's attitude indicative of problems in the relationship? I think we need more information in order to be able to assess.

your OH

'I know she loves me and tells me as much, often'

If you don't feel loved, if you feel lonely, then how do you know this? It sounds rather as though your presence is taken for granted. If/when that is the case, you have to make some noise. Please tell her how you feel 'more in sorrow than in anger' and work together on ways to increase the connection and affection between you

It's difficult to tell whether you are being needy or if she is unkind and taking you for granted.

A couple of questions that occur to me are, firstly, when do you "connect"? When do the two of you talk with no distractions? Do you ever cuddle and just be?
Secondly, do you have interests separate to your OH, so that you're not in a position of needing too much of your social interaction from her?

I can be needy, as we all can, but I dont expect all her attention all the time. I think I would just rather it wasnt all or nothing. There are issues in our relationship as there always are but they dont seem to coincide with these points.

I know it because it just is. As I said, the majority of the time it is a brilliant relationship, it's just once or twice a month for a few days at a time (im aware thats vague). I only ever feel lonely during those times.

The 'cuddle and just be' you refer to, happens quite regularly. I am not by any means saying she gives me no affection or attention. Your second point gives me pause for thought, I spend long hours in a very manual job and am generally too tired to go out and socialise, at the weekend our 2 children occupy our time.

You should try being me. A lot of distance a lot of the time and very little affection.

Sorry, not helpful! Not comparable either as he and I should probably separate but Ia scared of how traumatic it would be.

Have you asked your OH why she is distant at times? Communication is the one thing which will stop a relationship disintegrating.

You're going to have be a little more specific. You said originally that if you say you feel lonely... or you'd like more attention... you are told that she needs more space gets defensive and is more distant.

So is this feeling of loneliness because your partner withdraws? Is she legitimately otherwise occupied? Does she need time to herself? Is there any sense that these episodes are passive aggressive? Is there any common trigger? Might there be a point of conflict that comes around and doesn't get resolved? e.g. the lack of a social life. When you say she asks questions but doesn't listen to the answer, how interested are you in her life? What would be the longest conversation you've had recently and what was it about?

I agree with Cog I think you're going to have to give us a bit more detail. At the moment it's difficult to see whether this situation is internal to you, or due to your partner's behaviour towards you.

As I said, the majority of the time it is a brilliant relationship, it's just once or twice a month for a few days at a time (im aware thats vague). I only ever feel lonely during those times.

Presuming you're female here, but could it be hormonal? I get weepy and insecure at that time of the month.

In addition to Vivacia's comment - if you're both female, do you think it could be a clash of cycles?

Okay, I apologise for the lack of information. Ill try again.

1. I am male, my OH being my wife. We have been together quite a few years and recently married after a whirlwind affair which has lost little of its fervour on the whole.

1. She is just as likely to be attentive as not during her cycle and they dont coincide reguarly enough for me to believe thats what it is.

1. We get little time alone other than an hour or two of an evening but we use what we do get on ourselves. We converse regularly and deeply and our lives are each others.

As I typed this I began to realise how tiny my social life outside the home is and that maybe all I need to do is give her the space she asks for, maybe one evening a week? Haha.

Whoops, whirlwind romance*

I have no idea why I typed affair...

It could well be that you just need a bit more social interaction outside of your marriage? Perhaps you've just looked inwards for the problem, rather than realising you're just ready for something new in your life?

It still seems a bit vague to me. But having said that, perhaps she needs some down/alone time and it's more than you do so at various times she just withdraws slightly. Do you know why she does it? Has she told you what's going through her mind during these times?

DH and I both need alone time and we are happy to respect that in each other. However SIL and BIL have different requirements and it causes a lot of stress in their relationship.

I think WorkingBling makes a good point. If she needs some down time and it coincides with you feeling a bit bored/lonely that's going to cause friction.

My OH probably feels the same as you. Time to herself might not be a bad thing..

As the primary carer to small children, part time worker and person who does most of the running the household (all by agreement and the decision we made together for him to take his current job with a long hours and commute) - I spend a lot of my time feeling someone needs something from me. That's generally fine but I struggle when I have very little space where I feel I can just turn inward/just be.

My DH is out one or two evenings a week and while that helps, he gets back only a little after I've finished bed-time, tidy up and cooking - so it still doesn't give me much proper down time alone.

On Saturday night he unusually went out (and the DCs were staying with a grandparent overnight). I had the BEST evening I've had in ages. I had a long hot bath, watched 3 episodes of a TV show he's not that into and ate dinner in my pyjamas at 10pm before going to bed. Simple stuff but generally absent from my life. I spent a lot of my evening reflecting on how lucky I was in my lovely DH, great kids etc, job that I generally like etc.

I told him that he needs to go out with his mates more (I definitely do more of that than he does). It really gives us both something when he does.

You cannot have every need met within a relationship. She may need time to look inwards and you perhaps need to look outwards more. Just a theory. But as that old country song says 'for me to miss you, you have to go away.'

Good advice above.

If you can accept that your wife has periods of time whereby she needs time alone maybe it would make it easier to bear? It truthfully doesn't sound personal, just a need for separateness. Could she be persuaded to tell you when she feels that way so you are warned and not left feeling rejected.

Also, only you yourself can find happiness at any time. Sure lots of things contribute to that but if you can learn to be accepting you might end up feeling a whole lot better. She may not enjoy the sensation that she alone is responsible for making you happy. Let her have her distant times. I identify with that. We all need solitude and if she has little time alone and has a natural disposition this way well that's just her.

I'm a bit confused by this

*We have been together quite a few years and recently married after a whirlwind affair which has lost little of its fervour on the whole."

This statement contradicts itself. You can't be together for a few years, then get married after a whirlwind romance.

Whirlwind romances are short and intense. Being together for "a few years" is not a whirlwind.

Dont some whirlwinds last longer than others? I used the phrase in reference to how quickly we fell in love and that the 'honeymoon period' lasted a while. If you didn't understand then just ask rather than be glib for its own sake.

Thanks for the advice from everybody else. I will definitely look at giving her time alone, and myself in turn.