suddenly don't want to go out!

[dontcallnotdating]

This is odd. After having two relationship break ups in a year, I've decided to stop dating. I also got into a habit of binge drinking too. So I stopped going out drinking and I feel better for it. However, I've gone from a massive party-loving extrovert to a hermit who doesn't want to go out. I work, look after my kids, go to bed, rinse and repeat. That's it. When I get invited out, I can't be bothered.

Slightly concerned I'm going to end up a crazy cat lady. Is this normal? I have a strong urge to stay safe and in a place where no-one can hurt me again. But it's a tad boring.

maybe ur not the big extrovert u thought u were? maybe the binge drinking turned u into an extrovert. maybe now ur sober u r closer to being the real u? it seems uve been hurt by these break ups and ur having some time off. ask urself when was the last time u went out partying and had a great time doing it sober? im not criticising. i went thru the same thing and had to learn to have a good time without being drunk.

Nothing wrong with wanting to stay in with your kids - enjoy.

I guess so. I don't really enjoy partying sober. I just feel a bit vulnerable and don't want to put myself out there again. But I don't want to end up lonely in the long run. At the moment I feel as if I'm protecting myself.

It's self preservation, like you say, to protect yourself.

Nothing at all wrong with it, I do it now and again for weeks at a time. I think you should make a point of not refusing all invites to go out and maybe now and again, make arrangements to go out that don't involve drinking. Like a shopping trip with a friend, the cinema etc.

Be conscious not to turn into a strange cat lady.

Yes I think it does feel good to be safe right now. Plus its so cold outside! I think I have spent time pretending to be someone I'm not and now I am being quieter and more withdrawn. Just don't want to get depressed.

If you're staying in because it's doing you good to focus on your children and a calm life, that's fantastic.

However, you say:

I have a strong urge to stay safe and in a place where no-one can hurt me again. But it's a tad boring.

So it sounds like you're staying in out of fear ("to stay safe"), rather than because it is the most positive thing you can do for yourself. And also that you're not finding it fulfilling ("boring"), which again indicates that this is not the most positive thing you could be doing right now.

Here's my view: binge drinking is definitely not fulfilling or good for the soul. But nor is being a hermit. So, how about reaching out to good friends - just one-on-one, or in small groups - and suggest non-binge-drinking outings to them. Stuff you might like, whether it's walks in the park or going to an exhibit or taking in a show or having brunch. Anything that pings your "this will be satisfying to me" radar.

I went through something similar in my early twenties, and never really went back to the hedonistic lifestyle. My friendship circle shrunk, but I'm very happy with how things are. Just be careful to keep an eye that you've got some new people coming in to your life and social events to look forward to, would be my advice.

MyRight I thought you made some really good points in your post, but the lack of 'ou's was very distracting!

The same has happened to me. I got diagnosed with kidney disease so have had to rein in my party lifestyle completely.
Having got out of the habit of socialising and drinking etc, I have found that I really just can't be bothered! I'd far rather meet friends in the morning for coffee than I would in a bar/restaurant. Prefer lunch out with DH to dinner. Tend to go to bed about ten these days and just enjoy spending time in my home.
To start with it freaked me out a bit. Not the change itself, more that I was pretty much content to let it go. NOw I have embraced it totally - bring on the slippers!

It seems to me that you now have a void to fill, that used to be filled with drinking and partying and dating.

All exciting stuff.

So replacing it with domestic pleasures only doesn't quite measure up: no thrills.

So I've got another suggestion: fill that void with personal achievements and projects. Learn a new skill, develop an existing one, or contribute to the wellbeing of others. That's thrilling, in a very different way to parties and dates, because you're challenging yourself and hopefully growing. (you sound a bit lost right now)

There are more ways of having a social life and companionship than either going out partying or dating. There's a huge range of 'grown-up' activities and interests out there that are safe, enjoyable and don't involve booze. Sport, hobbies, community events, voluntary work, further education... Everyone needs friends.

Yes, you are being quite reductive.

You feel like your choices are Party Girl or Cat Woman, with nothing in between.

Of course there is a huge array of stuff in-between for you to choose from. Follow your interests, try new completely left field stuff. Meetup is a good place to start as is the local arts or community centre. I know how you feel as i don't enjoy going out and getting pissed so i had to discover a whole alternative lifestyle. The thing is though that once you find it you realise just how massive and diverse this other world is.

Get out and enjoy yourself.

I'll try. I do like writing. I've joined a single parent group. I think part of it is that I used to enjoy going out drinking too, so now I'm at a slight loss. I'm letting my appearance slide, because I'm not dating and just feel in a bit of a limbo!

Do something for you. Use your former binge money on massages or nails or hair so it makes YOU feel better. There is nothing wrong with staying in, rather that than feeling the need to find a man, any man, because that's expected. Take time for yourself.

I did this in my early to mid thirties , and I didn't even have kids for company. I loved it. I'd had enough of dating losers and going out drinking etc was losing its appeal more and more. Like others have suggested here, I used my money for nice things like getting my nails done. Absolutely loved staying in and watching box sets ! Reading books and doing those silly little jobs Around the house I never had time to do when I was out ' looking for love' . Not sure how old your dc are but I'm sure you can get some Me time when they are in bed?

As it turns out I became a much happier , calmer person and more at peace if that makes sense. Met a guy at work now we have a 1 year old. It's actually my first proper grown up relationship where I didn't meet someone and agonised over will he or won't he call me . Probably because I didn't care if he did or didn't ha ha

sorry about the 'ous' ! op keep up the beauty routine but do it for you, indulge urself. u may also b suffering from SAD. check that out.giving up the booze was the best thing i did. i drink about every six weeks but not to excess, i dont have the head for it. u do have to find other things to do and i reconnected with things i enjoyed before drink. maybe u enjoyed a subject at school that u could now take to anorher level?

What are your feelings towards 'y's?

I'm not great at looking groomed on a day-to-day basis. It's the combination of looking after animals and working from home on a regular basis - they just don't lend themselves to a hair and beauty regime. The phrase "scrubs up well" has been used to describe me. I don't like it, but I can see they have a point.

So (I'm getting to the point now) I was going to suggest having goals related to fitness rather than beauty. Getting stronger and/or faster and/or fitter.

I am doing exactly the same at the moment but I'm enjoying it. I've stopped online dating, deactivated my facebook account and am totally enjoying the peace and quiet. I see friends at work and try to catch up with others during the day at weekends when I can. In the evenings I like to watch TV, read and surf the Internet. I have teenage children and a dog to keep me company. My life is much less stressful and although some might think it's boring, I'm happier than I've been for a long time. Ive had quite an eventful few years and Im using this time to relax and feel good about myself again. It can definately be a good thing.

I agree it can be a good thing. It feels like a process I need to go through. I need to have time out. My self esteem needs building though

Sounds like you are growing up, changing, it's normal. It's good.
You will find other ways to have fun.