Am I abusive?!

[MeredithMac]

I didn't want to derail someone else's thread but I read this on another post, and it made me wonder if I am actually abusive? I've copied the relevant points over:

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1. Do you feel as if your partner treats you like a child? Does he constantly correct you or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate”? Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even the smallest decisions? Do you have to account for any money you spend, or does he attempt to control your spending (even through he has no problem spending on himself)?

1. Does your partner treat you as if you are “less than” or inferior to her? Does your partner make a point f reminding you that you are less educated or that you make less money or that you aren’t as attractive as she is?

1. Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?

1. Does your partner constantly belittle our accomplishments, your aspirations, or your plans for the future?

1. Do you find yourself “walking on eggshells?” Do you spend a lot of time monitoring our behavior and/or watching for your partner’s bad moods before bringing up a subject?

1. Have you stopped seeing many or all of your friends and/or family since being in this relationship? Did you do this because your partner dislikes them, because your partner feels jealous of the time you spend with them, or because you are ashamed of the way he treats you in front of them? Did you stop seeing friends and family because you are ashamed of the fact that you’re still with him, even though you’ve complained to them many times about the way he treats you?

1. Does your partner usually insist on getting her own way? Does she want to be the one to decide where you will go, what you will do, and whom you will do it?

1. Does your partner punish you by pouting, by withdrawing from you, by giving you the silent treatment, or by withholding affections or sex if you don’t do things his way?

1. Does your partner frequently threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do things her way?

To be fair, I don't think that the first 6 points apply, although DH might differ? But 7 - 9 made me think, because:

1. It probably does pan out that I "get my own way" with things, but that's usually because I have all the ideas about what to do/where to go, and generally we both agree. I don't think that DH ever suggests going somewhere and I say no, but I'm doubting myself now!

1. This is more pertinent at the moment, as we've been going through a bad patch, mainly down to issues he has with alcohol. I've recently put my foot down and said that I do not want to be around him, or rather I don't want him to be around me and the DCs if he is going to drink a lot because he's an absolute nightmare. I'm wondering if this is an example of me controlling him? It does feel controlling to say that you want someone not to drink, but I really struggle with his behaviour and the impact that it has. He has very recently done something a bit stupid as a result of drinking and as I result I have checked his messages etc, which is sited as an example of controlling behaviour, but currently I have some trust issues as a result of his behaviour. He does know that I have checked his messages etc, I haven't done it behind his back.

I would say that I definitely do withdraw after an incident like this, and whilst I don't give him the silent treatment I do close down a lot while I process what is going on in my head. Our sex life is also almost non existent, not because I "withhold" sex as such, but because I seem to have lost any desire for it. I was raped before I met him, and his response to that when I finally told him about it wasn't great, and I don't know if that's part of it, or if there is something actually physically wrong with me, or what it is, but I don't think I'm withholding to manipulate.

1. I have recently threatened to end the relationship as a response to an argument, because I feel like all we do is lurch from one argument to another, and I can't see that either of us are happy as things are. It was an angry reaction to something that happened, but is it abusive?

It's just reading some of the threads here has made me wonder if what I see as appropriate (if not brilliant) responses to some of his behaviour are in fact me being controlling? Over the years, he's had a secret addiction to porn (that he was accessing on the family computer that our very young children also used to play on) he's gone completely AWOL and other drink related incidents, and I do feel like sometimes I do check up on him and get very pissed off when he drinks. (So I guess this does link into point #1 as well, as I do chastise him and tell him his behaviour is inappropriate!) I had a shit childhood and was emotionally and physically abused until I left home, and I worry that means that I am doomed to continue the pattern, and also might have bad judgement about what behaviour of mine is appropriate? I would rather leave everything and go and live in a hole than inflict the same shit on my family that I had to grow up with.

I'm just getting this out of me, I'm in a horrible place at the moment because things aren't good with us and it's making me anxious, which is making me question whether a lot of this is my fault and whether I need to do something about it? I know that there are a lot of people here that know a lot about this and any advice gratefully received...

No, you are not abusive. This is your anxiety talking; sometimes I feel the same bcause of my BPD. I often need reassurance from people too.
The alcohol thing seems perfectly reasonable to me, I would do the same.

Thank you for the reply. I definitely do feel very anxious at the moment and like I don't know if I'm coming or going, or if my responses are rational, etc... We've had such a horrible week and my brain just feels scrambled.

I think you are just trying to set appropriate boundaries. There's nothing wrong with that.
The libido thing sounds complicated; a mixture of anxiety/MH issues, your past experiences, and your current relationship dynamics. That perhaps is something to work through with a professional when the current dust settles.

I don't think you are abusive. I think there are issues in your relationship that you are trying to address and you're questioning your own behaviour because you cannot get the answers you need from him.

Checking his phone Etc would be controlling if there was no reason. From what you wrote, this is a result of his actions, not just your personality. And when it comes to sex, being intimate with someone is to make yourself vulnerable. For me that means trusting the person I'm with and liking them enough to want sex. I love DH but I think not being in the mood when we're in the midst of a disagreement or issue is completely normal.

Maybe take some time just for you to think and work through your feelings. Then decide how to proceed

If you've had a horrible week and your brain feels scrambled, you would want to give yourself time to clear your mind.

The list above is reminiscent of googling health symptoms, and drawing the worst conclusions. But the listed behaviours have to be seen in context.

For example: if you falsely threaten to end the relationship in response to every minor disagreement, you're using the threat as leverage to get what you want. But if you threaten to end a relationship because you're truly angry and distressed about how it's going, you're saying what you mean at the time.

You've mentioned a number of things in your post which sound distressing and frustrating. Your husband's porn addiction, behaviour when drunk, not great response to learning of your rape, and so on.... it sounds as if these are at the heart of your upset, but you're perhaps trying to take responsibility for it all by looking at your own behaviour.

Anyone is capable of doing any of the things on that list. It's the intention and frequency that says whether a behaviour pattern is abusive. If you are deliberately setting out to control someone in a malicious way, taking pleasure from their pain and so forth then it's abusive.

In your case it sounds more that you are trying to wrestle back some control in a difficult situation with quite a lot of bad and untrustworthy behaviour.

Either way, if you suspect the relationship you are in is making you a worse version of yourself rather than a better one, it may be a sign to start thinking about getting out.