Advice - cheating husband playing the 'it's my house' card

[Bagoffrogs]

Advice needed - briefly (as the back story is massive and gross), I asked my husband to leave yesterday after spending most of the early hours of Sunday morning discovering why he keeps his phone stuck to his arse. Anyway he went as he realised he had no excuses anymore. So last night, who knows where he stayed, today he is playing the 'it's still my house' card and is apparently coming back tonight until he finds somewhere to move to. I desperately do not want him back in the house with me and the DCs, he is a disgrace and deserves to lose everything. What can I do - we do both own the house.
Thanks for any info.

It is his house and he is entitled to live there, however badly he's behaved. Doesn't mean you have to welcome him back with open arms and I would suggest you put in some pretty clear boundaries so that it's not 'business as usual' until he moves out permanently. Put a time-limit on him finding new accommodation rather than leaving it open-ended. Sleeping arrangements, meals, domestic chores..... Start as you mean to go on.

In the meantime, have you got any RL support? Are you going to get legal advice.

Unfortunately he is right, it is still his house and he has as much right as you to live there. What you can do is get legal advice, and start the ball rolling on a divorce.

I've said he can literally have the sofa, this is going to be absolute hell. I did think that while he was at the address to issue the divorce papers as he has agreed adultery. But once he is back in the house, he won't play nice. He isn't a very nice person when backed into a corner.
Thanks for your posts.

Do you mean he will be aggressive or abusive?

No just a pain in the ass. And his reasoning will be he's in the house therefore he's halfway to getting things back to normal. It's going to be very draining and hard work.

Yes, anticipate frustration, annoyance and effort. Best to go into these things eyes open. If you're sure that it's over then get your troops lined up pronto..... friends, family, solicitor, etc ... and then you're not tackling it all solo.

I agree, it will be exhausting to keep my motivation. I've given him until the end of the month.

Have you made a solicitor's appointment? Sounds like the quicker you get the legal ball rolling, the better.

Until then, as others have said, separate lives as far as possible - no cooking, washing, cleaning his area. Be apart from him as much as physically possible, whether out or in a different area of the house.

Sorry that you are in this position but am afraid it is his house as much as yours. Do you have Dcs' do they know what's going on. ? You should try and get him to agree to a time scale for moving out as pp said, if he has any redeeming features he may do this especially if you have children and him being there but separate from you is upsetting. Otoh there is nothing you can do to get him to leave if there has been no dv if he is prepared to be a wanker and sit it out until money/property/divorce are sorted. You may be able to get grounds for an occupation order, see a solicitor as soon as you can.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Bag. You say you've 'given him until the end of the month'... to do what exactly? You can't throw him out. As Cogito says, you can mobilise your own actions to notify people, get legal help and get the ball rolling, etc. but he can live there. I would definitely stop doing anything at all for him - and make it clear that the new normal is that you are no longer a couple.

Although, on the other hand, you might like to let him think what he likes, whilst you work away behind the scenes on getting yourself out of this marriage, particularly if you think he won't co-operate.

Today I've spent feeling numb after the events of the past 24hrs. This week I can move to get the ball rolling. I am just frustrated to be in limbo, his belongings still here etc. And of course there are the children, who saw their dad walk out with a bag yesterday and will now be back at the house.

Getting the ball rolling will provide you with something that is currently missing i.e a sense of control. Identify the things you can do to get from where you are now to where you want to be and try to make a little progress each day.

Do you want to stay in the house long term, or would you rather sell it and have a fresh start? Just wondered if putting it on the market might make him more inclined to leave, and get things moving faster for you?

I suspect that he may want to move back in so he can wear you down into having him back. If you make it clear thats not happening and withdraw from any couple stuff as suggested he may get pissed off and leave anyway. You may have to let him back in but you do not have to make his life pleasant in any way. (its a horrid way to live though i grant you)

Get legal advice sharpish.

Also make sure you can put your hands on as much paperwork as possible & keep it in a safe place.

The only other thing is to appeal to the last grains of his decency and ask him to leave for the children.

A child being around a hugely disruptive environment can be terribly damaging - and have far reaching effects. It doesn't sound like the two of you will be able to actually get on (not surprised) and it may will affect the children massively.

Is there a relative or friend you can direct him to?
Would you be able to afford a one-bed flat?