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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Completely freaked out!!!!!

23 replies

yougotafriend · 19/01/2015 13:00

So I play "words with friends" against players from the community - which are usually locals. I normally make/reply to general chit chat: intial "hi, whre about do you live" "good luck" etc and then only about the game. I know some people do use it as a potential way to hook up. I've been lucky in that the people I play are also OK with just casual chatting and no flirty stuff.

So yesterday a guy said something about an area really close to where I grew up and we started chatting a bit more about places/pubs we both knew, schools etc. I told him what road I used to live in and he gave details about where he had previously lived too. He's 8 yrs older than me so we never socialised.

So today he sends me a message saying "I remember a guy who lived in your road called xxxxx, I played badminton with him, but he died really young of a heart attack - did you know him?"

That was my Dad.....

Why am I so freaked out by this?? I am literally shaking and feel sick. Not sure whether it's the loss of anonimity but I feel like I need to break contact with him now.

OP posts:

NamesNick · 19/01/2015 13:14

just say no, you do not recall this person. skit over it and return to game.

if he had an idea he knew who you were then you have quashed that.

Don't give out anymore personal info online.

BuzzardBird · 19/01/2015 13:19

Agree, say "no". Get on with game.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 19/01/2015 13:19

I don't understand the issue, really? He's possibly a genuine person who genuinely knew your dad, therefore mentioning him might be completely normal? If you feel uncomfortable just deny any knowledge and break contact!

Optimist1 · 19/01/2015 13:27

It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to break contact with him. What has up to now been just chit chat has veered into very personal territory and you're not comfortable with that. He might wonder WTF, but you owe him nothing.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2015 13:28

look, if you give out RL details online don't be surprised if people relate to them in some way

it's a small world

why are you freaked out...do you think this bloke will turn up on your doorstep ?

songbird · 19/01/2015 13:30

A breezy 'doesn't ring a bell' and then back off a bit. I wouldn't get into any kind of discussions with people about where I live, even the vague area, if I didn't know who they were. You can play anonymously without chatting to people!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2015 13:31

I'm also not entirely getting the reason for the panic. You're all local to each other, you're contemporaries, you've talked about schools, pubs and the street you lived in.... wasn't the conversation bound to end up with that 'OMG' moment when you both find out you know the same person? If it hadn't been your father, it was going to be some other local character. If you're really anxious about being identified, maybe don't lay such a long trail of breadcrumbs.

If you'd had the same conversation on a train or in a shop would you be freaking out the way you are now?

dominogocatgo · 19/01/2015 13:31

What on earth is 'words with friends' anyway ?

JaceyBee · 19/01/2015 13:35

Do people really use words with friends to hook up with randoms?? Blimey! What's wrong with tinder/pof etc?! Weird.

longtallsally2 · 19/01/2015 13:42

You are freaked out because you have been sailing a little close to the wind, giving out personal details, and you realise that you have just lost control over what should be an anonymous situation. That loss of control, coupled with a little shock over hearing your dad spoken about rather bluntly, like that, will generate adrenaline for you - fight or flight.

It's an entirely normal feeling to feel shaky and sick when you feel threatened/out of control, but it is easy to remedy in this case, as a previous poster said, by going anonymous again, saying no, you did not know that person, (or even yes, you vaguely remember that incident and how heartbreaking it was for the local community) and then keeping things anonymous from then on.

HTH

CheersMedea · 19/01/2015 13:42

Why am I so freaked out by this?? I am literally shaking and feel sick

I'm totally perplexed as to why you reacted like this.

In the first place, if you are that bothered about anonymity, why on earth give people details of where you grow up.

Secondly, what's the big deal?

Either tell him that it was your dad - and you may get some nice reminiscences and get to make contact with an old family friend.

Or just lie and move on.

But "shaking and feeling sick" - is a bit of a massive over-reaction on the face of it.

Is there something more going on here that you haven't disclosed? Like your father had a badminton friend who creeped you out or came on to you? If not, your reaction is totally excessive.

JaneFonda · 19/01/2015 13:44

I think it's a bit dramatic to feel freaked out by this - if you're from the same area and know the same places, you're bound to have a couple of people in common.

Honestly, I would tell him that's your dad - if they played badminton together, he might have some lovely stories to share that you hadn't heard before.

Original poster

yougotafriend · 19/01/2015 13:44

No idea why I'm freaked out - a couple of random things have happened lately in relation to my Dad, maybe that's why.

I didn't give out any personal information other than the name of the road I used to live in 20yrs ago (moved out of the area in 1995) so they must have genuinely known each other. the road only has 8 houses in it so to deny knowing someone had suddenly passed away at a young age would be a bit unbelievable.

Word with Friends is like scrabble and yes I do think people use it to hook up.

OP posts:

MaMaof04 · 19/01/2015 13:45

You might have freaked out because unknowingly he talked about your late dad (flesh of your flesh) in a very casual way and un a very 'mundane' context. I would have freaked out if some stranger casually speaks about my late dad as someone who used to be. Being orphan- independently of your age- is tough and speaking 'like that' about your late parent might feel disrespectful and hurtful. So I do not know what to advise to you. If you freaked out because you felt that that guy is fringing on your private space as the ladies suggested above- then act as advised by all the ladies on the site. If it is because it stirs in you big emotions and down underneath you might be drawn to this 'stranger' to get more info about your dad, to make a bit of your dad live through him, then you have to be extremely careful. If this case were to apply to me I would have tried to find out what he knows about dad- without telling him that it is my dad he is talking about. Then according to how he speaks about my dad I would have disclosed to him the truth or I would have severed with him all contacts. Good Luck! A dad never dies for his children. I am orphan myself.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 19/01/2015 13:47

No one has ever tried to hook up with me on WWF

CheersMedea · 19/01/2015 13:52

so they must have genuinely known each other. the road only has 8 houses in it so to deny knowing someone had suddenly passed away at a young age would be a bit unbelievable.

Well then I think I would bite the bullet and tell him who you are and be all "what a coincidence". As I said, he may have some nice reminiscences about your dad. It's actually rather sweet that you found someone who knew your late father through the internet.

Worst case scenario, if he later seems a bit weird, change your user name.

Optimist1 · 19/01/2015 19:02

Like Middleagedmother , I haven't had any approaches from WWF opponents either! I love the anonymity of it. I like to muse over whether my favourite opponent is a retired great-grandmother or nerdy teen, but don't want to know for sure. (Apart from "good word", "great score" comments we've said very little to each other, apart from establishing where in the world we live; it was obvious from the times that we played that we were on different continents).

Ouchbloodyouch · 19/01/2015 21:37

Vivacia · 19/01/2015 21:43

I think Longtallsally nails this (although the "HTH" was a bit unnecessary!).

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 20/01/2015 13:59

I was playing with "Liam Gallagher" for a while. I never asked though...

Original poster

yougotafriend · 20/01/2015 14:32

Well the new "community" asks you to pick male/female or both as opponents, so someone out there is trying to make it a hook up site. I have my settings at "both" but only ever seem to get requests from blokes!!

A few start off chatty but resign the game when I'm not that responsive. I have been playing against this particular guy for a few months on and off and we're very evenly matched.

Getting back to the original post tho, after talking to my sis & bro (we all played for the same club over the years) I was less jittery and continued playing. We've kind of both decided no more than idle chit chat from now on tho.... Think he was as freaked as me at potentially being outed.

OP posts:

DameBabsLoveCheese · 20/01/2015 20:45

Sorry to hijack but I met my partner in WWF. It happens

carlywurly · 20/01/2015 22:05

Bloody hell! I have never ever even exchanged a message with anyone on there, I barely acknowledge dp other than to abuse him when he takes too long. I'm gobsmacked (and secretly impressed) at the idea of actually meeting someone through it!

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