DSis wants to leave her husband but I think it could be PND

[patienceonastatue]

Have NCd as my Dsis knows my username (naice ham, Balonz, pom-bears). Be gentle with me as I am trying to help my DSis.

She suddenly announced over the weekend she wants to leave her husband of three years. They have a 20 month old DD. However, literally the first thing anybody knew was when she arrived at my parents in floods of tears saying she didn't love her husband any more and didn't want to be married. Her DH is absolutely devastated and totally shocked. It just seems to have come out of nowhere. I am very very close to my DSis and genuinely had no inkling. She has not mentioned being unhappy to anyone at all (either friends or family).

It honestly seems to been an overnight change- for example, even over Christmas she confided to me that they were planning a new baby. She has a history of depression and I am wondering whether it could be a kind of delayed-onset PND? Her DH is absolutely lovely - v kind, loyal, good dad and a real family man and she says it is nothing he has done. He heard about her plans just the night before she told my parents - he thought they were in a good place. She seemed so happy over Christmas and everything just seems to have collapsed overnight. She has spent the week sobbing and when I asked if she felt any kind of relief now it was in the open, she just said, 'No' and was incoherently crying.

I haven't said anything to her about depression but she has had two serious bouts in the past. She insists she is not depressed. This is extremely out of character for her. I don't know how best to support them - I live too far away to be of practical help with my niece for example. Any ideas?

I think you have to take your DSis on face value as a first step. Whether she has a history of depression or not, if you don't take this seriously I think you do her a disservice. It sounds like they both need some time apart and time to collect their thoughts. It's a bit of a cliché but, whatever a marriage looks like from the outside, you don't really know what's going on.

I think the best thing to do is to take what she is saying at face value, rather than undermining her by assuming she doesn't know what she is talking about.

You never know what is happening in a persons marriage. Maybe her partner genuinely is amazing, but for whatever reason, she is desperately unhappy with him. How many people come on here saying everything is great and he is amazing EXCEPT for the fact that.....insert list of totally unreasonable behaviour.

No-one except your sister and her partner can know what's going on in their marriage, what has happened in the past, or how happy the relationship truly is. A lot of people plaster on smiles to save face in public, and ham up the "happy happy" act to make sure no-one knows what is really going on.

Even if she has a history of depression it doesn't mean she doesn't know her own mind.

All you can do is be supportive of her decision. To ask her what happened, and why she is feeling like this. Let her talk it out without knowing the person she is talking to has pre conceived notions about her state of mind.

Thanks for your replies. I wouldn't want to dismiss her feelings in any way (or give her the impression I'm not taking her seriously).

I just don't know how to find the words to help her talk about it and it is so unexpected.

If it was down to depression I'd be the only one close enough to mention it to her, but if it's not constructive I'll not mention it.

I think you should support her too, but perhaps put it across as a trial separation? I'm sure if their relationship is good it will come back, whereas if there are issues she's not telling you, more might come out about that when she has space to do so?

But - I suffer from depression and I go through periods where I don't want to be married, but it's more a wanting to get away from everyone and everything. I don't want to be a mother, either. What I really want when I feel like that is not to be here at all but I can't leave DS so I tend to push others away instead because that's possible whereas leaving DS, to me, is not an option ever.

(I am fine at the moment before anyone gets worried about me :))

It's not constructive to diagnose someone on scant information because it leads to assumptions. Anyone who ends a relationship will be distressed. It doesn't necessarily mean they have depression. It doesn't mean that depression led to the break down.

I suggest rather than talking to her, listen instead. Ask a few open questions that encourage disclosure and keep a very open mind. 'How are you feeling?' 'What happened?' 'What prompted you to end it now?' Sometimes companionable silence is all you can offer.

Would discourage you from either critiquing her husband or leaping to his defence.