Narc script

[TheChristmasTreeFairy]

Could someone please explain or link me to something that explains the narc script.
I know I've read threads on here before where there is a predictable pattern to narc behaviour after confrontation including sudden illness and flying monkeys. There's also FOG conditioning of those closest to the narc which I'd be interested to understand.
I have been pretty much NC with my MIL for the last 3 years, moving to the other side of the world helped immensely! She is planning to visit this summer and the arguments have already started. She wanted to stay with us, my foot has already been put firmly down on that one, I even helped DH to compose an email explaining exactly why we didn't have the space for another bed. It might be a coincidence but her health hasn't been great since, nothing that would stop her travelling though.
My relationship with DH has been so much stronger since we moved and I don't want to jeapordise that during her visit. I feel if I understand her behaviour and predict the next incident I will be in a much stronger place come the summer

Pretty sure my ex is a narc or has narcissistic tendencies.

IMO the best websites are:

www.lisaescott.com/

www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

samvak.tripod.com/

Sam Varkin is a narc & his is the best for explaining in depth, but i prefer the other 2 for easy to read articles.

I think it's a mistake to try to simplify something to a script. Or even to pigeonhole behaviour especially. I think you have to respond to the the individual and the specific circumstances presented. If your past experience of this person is that they are selfish, manipulative, attention-seeking or whatever and if your intention is that you're not going to be drawn in then it's relatively easy to manage. Just remember, you cannot change them. You can only adjust your own behaviour. Pick your battles.

There's a book, in sheep's clothing which gives hints on how to deal with manipulative people.

The main thing is Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries.

• Do not let her overstep your boundaries. TELL her very firmly what is or isn't okay. Pick up problems early; if you (for example) ask her for a coffee for an hour and she starts overstaying her welcome, say that you're going out and that she has to leave.

• Plan how to deal with the tantrums in any form that will come when you say No to her. Actual tantrums or manipulations or health scares or whatever form the tantrum takes.

• You and your husband need to talk a lot and to keep everything on the same page. People who are poisonous are really good at creating rifts in relationships and magnifying those rifts. Does your husband see what is happening? Can you talk to him?

• Don't leave her alone with your children unless you're sure she is not going to make nasty comments / do nasty things.

• Stay calm as much as you possibly can. Toxic people absolutely thrive on other people getting upset because it helps them get their own way, one way or another.

I think if you want your relationship with your dh to work you have to accept his mum. My mil can be a cow sometimes but
Behaving your way will not make your situation any easier. You have to be ready for put downs with short answers so you are not agreeing with her or engaging with her negaitivity but you also need to honor her without her you wouldn't have your dh

What's your husband's relationship like with his mother?

If he wants to see her I think you need to try to make this visit a success.

Also just be mindful that she has feelings and if you do or say things which hurt her feelings she will act accordingly - wanting to fly across the world to see her son doesn't make her a 'narc' but feeling that her DiL is against the idea is going to make it difficult for her to get this right so you need to help her.

If you really don't want to see her, could you suggest your husband takes her off for a few days sightseeing?

I think ideas of 'honor' (sic) towards the mother are overegging it. Sensitivity has to be shown to the DH, however. The concept of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is that children of difficult or even abusive people, having grown up with the behaviour as normal and have acclimatised to it. All children are hard-wired to love to their parents - no-one should be taken to task for that. Even if they don't like the behaviour of the parent they are strongly motivated to make allowances & maintain the relationship whereas an outsider marrying in has no such compulsion because the person means nothing to them whatsoever. This is the potential friction point

In the context of an infrequent visit from someone who lives thousands of miles away I think the best the OP and DH can hope to achieve is the same civility and courtesy they'd extend to a stranger, whilst at the same time agreeing to be assertive with their guest and not allowing unreasonable behaviour. I don't think anyone should be rolling up their sleeves and preparing for combat. Too negative.

Ahh cog, you speak sense, I shouldn't be preparing for battle but I'm just scared I think. DH is very much in the place of not wanting to rock the boat with his mum but that has led to a lot of conflict between he and I over the years. We were in a bad place before we moved and neither of us wants to go back there again but he's already admitted he knows she'll overstep and that he'll feel unable to stand up to her which frustrates me. I like the idea of calm civility, that'll be something for me to work on as I tend to stew on things too much.
I haven't come to the conclusion of narcissism just because she wants to visit but from the years of behaviour towards DH and I when we lived much closer. I will of course see her and be perfectly civil and friendly, and I'll pick my battles for sure

christmas tree there's a thread in AIBU atm about MILs, kinda lighthearted, kinda.

but monstroustratbag posted something good:

^ MonstrousRatbag Tue 20-Jan-15 15:10:41

I think a lot of sons get off lightly on these threads.

If your parent (father or mother) is a nightmare, you jolly well make sure to stand between that nightmare and your spouse/children.

DH and I have always agreed on that. He has managed his parents, and I mine. His mother and I were fine, we found common ground, and stayed there. My mother has more of an impact, shall we say, and it is my job to deal with that. And I do, because while I do believe in caring and in family duty, I believe in healthy boundaries as well.^

Might be worth having a look at the thread because my god, some MILs are just ... out there. stratospherically weird www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2285212-Examples-of-weirdness-from-inlaws?pg=1

Christmastree -- with most challenging situations it is wise to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

In your case - you need to write your own/her script on past experience - it is a dialogue - you know her -- you know what behaviors to expect from her and you know how these make you & OH feel - and then what you/OH do or dont do.

I would sit down with your OH and list out the irrational things she has done/said in the past -- and have a plan for how you will either deal with them when they happen again or how you will put arrangements in avoid them happening.

What are her classics - maybe we can help?