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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bit freaked out

18 replies

howtoexplain · 18/01/2015 23:35

Been with DH forever (20 years plus) and whilst dtd tonight he asked if i wanted him to put his hands round my neck when I came. This isn't something we have ever discussed and although we have a good sex life it's not usually rough or like this.

He's not a violent person on any level and I'm just feeling a bit weird about it all I suppose.

Not quite sure why I'm posting tbh but any thoughts?

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 18/01/2015 23:38

Yuck!

Perhaps he has seen it or read about it somewhere as being something women like. How did he react when you say no thanks?

handfulofcottonbuds · 18/01/2015 23:38

From what I have heard, this is supposed to heighten the experience BUT it needs to be discussed beforehand and agreed as it can involves trust in the person not getting carried away and hurting their partner.

I think it's related to porn.

Hope you're okay.

avocadotoast · 18/01/2015 23:41

I've done this before (with a previous partner and with DH). With the previous partner he didn't even ask before he did it, which was a bit weird. DH does it very rarely but only when I prompt it (and certainly not at all at the moment as I'm pregnant).

It is incredibly common in porn so if he does watch porn, I wouldn't be surprised if that's where he's seen it.

I think it's perfectly valid to feel weird about it, but I think it's a good thing that he spoke about it before doing it (and presumably respected your wishes that you didn't want to?).

Original poster
howtoexplain · 18/01/2015 23:41

I didn't really say anything cos I was so shocked. It's just never been our bag at all and I'm not sure where to go with it :-(

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 18/01/2015 23:45

Just tell him it doesn't take your fancy

BertieBotts · 18/01/2015 23:48

Just say "No, it's not something I'm interested in." It's not only a porn thing. I've heard of it and I've never watched porn particularly or come across it in porn when I've seen porn. It is a fairly well known thing but it can be dangerous - a few minor celebrities have died of (various versions of) it.

Joysmum · 19/01/2015 00:21

Never seen it it porn not what I'd like to watch but it's part of breath play.

GoatsDoRoam · 19/01/2015 06:44

Jesus avocado! Shock "a bit weird" that a man restricted your breathing during sex without asking? Shock

OP, tell him you are not interested in that.

Porn has a lot to answer for...

Vivacia · 19/01/2015 06:56

Next time you have sex, ask him if he like you to stuff your fist down his throat when he comes, or a deodorant up his bum.

Surely things like this should be spoken about beforehand, no wonder you're shocked. You need to talk to him and ask him where the fuck he got that idea from.

Original poster
howtoexplain · 19/01/2015 07:18

TY all - I'm not averse to being open minded but the randomness of it all just scared me a bit to be honest.

Then I wondered if maybe I was just over reacting. Will need to sit down and ask DH what the fuck he's playing at to have a proper discussion about it.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2015 08:22

I think the question is 'where did you get that idea?' No you're not overreacting.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/01/2015 13:01

Try googling vagal inhibition ... you might be even less keen afterwards Hmm

kaykayred · 19/01/2015 13:08

At least he asked before doing it??

Yeah.I think the question to ask would be "What made you think I would want you to choke me during sex? That's a massive worry for me to be honest".

Some people don't mind a bit of rough, but hands round the neck would be taking it much too far for a lot of people. The thing I would find worrying is that he raised this in the moment, rather than out of the bedroom.

dominogocatgo · 19/01/2015 13:10

Perhaps he thought it was something you might be interested in trying.

avocadotoast · 19/01/2015 13:15

Goats yeah, I realise it is more than a bit weird! I did have strong words afterwards, don't worry!

BertieBotts · 19/01/2015 13:26

I don't think it's that shocking that he mentioned it during sex. He said the words, he didn't launch into doing it, that would be awful, asking "Would you like this?" isn't.

It's pretty nerve wracking to ask a partner if they'd like to try something new in the bedroom, IME, and even worse when you're not "in the mood".

He's done the right thing I reckon. It would be awkward beyond belief to casually drop it in over dinner.

supernaut · 19/01/2015 13:49

Perhaps he thought it was something you might be interested in trying.

Far too rational thinking for MN!

redredholly · 19/01/2015 14:00

I had an ex partner who did this -- not really a partner either, more a very close friend with whom things overspilled. It actually was quite pleasurable, once one got over the fear of being strangled. It kind of fitted that scenario in that we were having a very crazy, highly charged fling, but there's no way I'd let my husband do it now.

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