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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dying marriage

7 replies

CurlyLashes · 18/01/2015 22:12

Hi

Ive been married around 7 years to myDH. We started off a bit rocky, I sort of just dealt with it and carried on and then I fell pregnant with our first child and then very quickly after that I fell pregnant again with DS2. During the time I had the kids, our relationship was at its lowest point. I was obviously stressed with having 2 young children and becoming a mum and the strains of the marriage just made things worse. I told him I wanted to leave. He really didn't want me to and said he'd change and to be fair, he did. Massively. I would go as far to say the marriage was quite a happy one. Despite this, I always held the feelings of hurt that I endured not so long before. I still can't get myself to forgive him. Anyway that was about 2 years ago. However, in the last few months we've become really distant and hardly talk. We dont chat anymore or have a laugh. We get zero time together and lately we've not even been sleeping in the same bed, although this is mainly because of the kids crawling back into our beds in the middle of the night. He shows zero affection towards me whereas before he would love to cuddle and hold hands etc. Every time I try to show any affection etc he just makes an excuse and I feel rejected and hurt. Ive asked him why he does this but shrugs it off and says he just wants to relax.

Its like as though the marriage is dying. We are co parenting fine. But we dont function as a husband and wife. More like a parent team.

Ive come on here just to get it all out and for someone to listen. I'm not really looking for anything.

Thanks

OP posts:
Heyho111 · 18/01/2015 23:25

I'm sorry. It must be so sad living like that.
Could you get a babysitter and go for a meal to try to talk About your fears for the relationship. Could you concider relationship councelling. It's really hard on you both. I hope you can turn it around.

CurlyLashes · 18/01/2015 23:44

Hi. Thank you. I hadn't really thought about counselling. Im not sure he would be up for it though. I can't really even talk to him about our problems because he just shrugs it off or makes excuses up to not talk like I need to pop out or Im too busy etc. We have a problem and he knows it and yet he won't talk when I try to initiate a conversation.

I just feel like giving up tbh. I feel so rejected.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2015 01:07

What you're describing started rocky, hit a bad patch and is now causing unhappiness Hmm In between there's been one period of calm which required him making massive changes to achieve and some big problem that you say you can't forgive. I don't think you get any medals for sticking with it.

gildedcage · 19/01/2015 09:34

I'm reading it as you being desperately unhappy, with your marriage being a side issue. Before you were married it was rocky and you pushed forward because you were pregnant...so you weren't happy prior to the marriage?

You can't look to someone else to make you happy, this is something only you can control. While I think your marriage is probably in crisis I feel you have probably been ignoring your own voice and feelings for a while. I think that you sound very lonely, I feel for you.

Would it be possible for you to have some counselling on your own. Talk through your feelings, what is it that is making you unhappy...Other than just your husband. This might help you to organise your thoughts and feelings. Once you feel more peaceful on a personal level you may be more prepared to deal with the problems in your marriage.

redredholly · 19/01/2015 12:02

Why did you get married?

My DH's description of his ex-relationship is a bit like this, and I've never been able to understand that (bar the first six months or so) there wasn't really a good patch.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2015 12:12

cherchez la femme

redredholly · 19/01/2015 13:47

Yes, in my DH's case unhappily his ExW was screwing around.

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