Huge step, what to do for the best?

[Ratherbeflyingmykite]

I am a regular who joined somewhere between mouldies and penisbeaker, I have name changed but am most definitely not hairy of hand

I don't want to drip feed, but I'll try to give you the outline without sending you to sleep! If you recognise me, please don't out me.

I have been married and holding together a blended family for over a decade. We both had DCs before we met, none together. The youngest two (one mine, one his) are late teens and still at home, one of them has a LO of their own.
When it's good it's great, when it's bad it's like a whole series of Jeremy Kyle rolled into one...

We went through a rocky patch that I thought would end in divorce over a year ago, but sought relationship counselling and seemed stronger than ever. The last few months have become increasing stressful, and the DCs attitude to home life has continually caused friction. We parent very differently. DH is the moody type who gets hung up on the small stuff. I'm more measured and reasoned, which he regards as patronising should I attempt conflict resolution with him. He is good at alternating between stonewalling and shouting

It's obvious to me that we are back where we were a year ago. He cannot sustain the changes and has blown his last chance by making clear his increasing dislike and contempt for my DS, someone who he has lived with since they were in primary school. He says his main issue is DS not pulling his weight around the house, but given what I have tolerated and endured while still managing to love his DCs, there is no comparison or excuse.

We live in a HA property that I've been in for over 20 years. They will not house us separately in the event of us splitting up, and as joint tenants neither of us has more legal right than the other to remain. Technically I could attempt to join the waiting list but given we have been waiting for a larger property due to overcrowding for almost a decade, the chances of getting anywhere are zero. Leaving could/would deem me intentionally homeless.

DH and his DC could afford to stay if I left. I could only managed it in the short term if I could get him to leave- unlikely- as I would get tax credits as a single parent for the next 18 months. I work 4 days per week in a lowish paid job that I love. Having already started down this road before, I know the practicalities of housing were the biggest obstacle to getting out.

My amazing eldest and her DP have today thrown me a huge lifeline only a couple of hours after I told her how bad things are. They will be moving in the next few months anyway due to a job change. They have offered to rent a larger property to accommodate me and my DS. They have worked out that if I could look after my toddler GC for 4 days per week, the lack of exorbitant nursery fees would offset the increased rent. It would be for at least 2 years, perhaps longer, which would give me/us time to formulate a longer term plan.
I could work for 2 days per week term time- I know my company would let me, albeit reluctantly- and probably more in the holidays when she is off. We all get on brilliantly (I stay with them and look after DGC sometimes anyway) and I am daring to dream. She says me and my DS deserve to be happy, and I know she's right, but I'm humbled by her offer...

I haven't even had a chance to talk to my DS yet, he probably won't get home until after I've gone to bed.

Thanks for reading. I'm writing this whilst sitting in a room with DH who has not spoken a civil word to me today. He's chosen to spend the last 2 nights on the couch. I'm feeling very fragile but would really appreciate your thoughts

Gosh, go for it!

Go for it. It will give you breathing space.

Yes!

Definitely go for it- what have you got to lose really?

Sounds like the perfect get out clause, go for it and be happy!

gosh yes

I would be losing the security of my home, which in this day and age is a big deal. Unless I win the lotto, I'll never own my own home and am unlikely to get social housing again. That's assuming my DS will be willing to move, it's not guaranteed. This is the only house he has ever lived in, and he was very upset when we found a potential exchange a few years ago, even though his room is small.
I've always thought this would work out and I'd stay in what has always felt like my forever home. I am a planner and a worrier. It's going to be so messy

Apart from that, I can see it sounds like a fab plan

Do it.

Sounds like the perfect opportunity to make the break. Life brings you what's for you at the right time in my opinion.

Thank you all for your replies, didn't think it was that obvious which shows how stupid I am!
I've barely slept and am exhausted but I don't feel sleepy either.

I've spoken to my DD again and the offer is one they are truly happy to work towards. Sounded out DS and being ever practical (may be ASD related!), he moaned about the potential location. Having clarified how manageable the transport links are, he is content to move. He blamed himself for the situation but I was quick to refute that he was the cause in any way, although I'm sure DH would let him believe that

I've also spoken to my Dsis and a dear friend who both just want for us to be happy. I know the next few months will be hellish while I attempt to get my ducks in a row, but the alternative is already unthinkable.
DH will either beg for another chance eventually or be a complete arse. His family (who I adore) will be gutted, and furious with him but I can't keep considering everyone else can I?

Musing here, should I try to stay on my existing tenancy? Although I can't see a return to the relationship, I could move back in if anything changed or something happened to DH.
Have no idea how we can split joint possessions or fund replacements either. No major debts but no assets to release capital from either, we've just been ticking along.

If ever there was an opportunity for time travel, I'd love to be transported past the pile of shite I've got to get through in the coming months...

Might be worth taking advice from Shelter or CAB re the tenancy.
Re the other stuff, it is hard moving away/out of a situation, I did it about three years ago. Time makes it a lot better. Even when it was hard though, I knew I'd got 'me' back IUSWIM and that was a great feeling :)

He blamed himself for the situation but I was quick to refute that he was the cause in any way, although I'm sure DH would let him believe that

for that reason alone, you should do it

although I am sure there are lots more reasons too

Is the house you are moving to a landlord property? I'm thinking what you would do once the lease was up ?

Yyy to leaving your dh though!

Very astute AF, it's one of the many last straws. DS overheard him saying in temper that he didn't give a fuck about him, and then he wonders why DS makes no effort to be involved with family life

Believe me, I'm not as calm and passive as it seems, but I switch off emotionally and go into practical mode when under this kind of stress.

Quitelikely, DD is looking at a long term lease on a 4 bed house while they attempt to save for a deposit to buy. They would have got a 2 bed for the same purpose.

It sounds a good option in the short term but does this potentially mean you will be living with your dd and her family for ever, or at least the forseeable future? What if they have more children and need the space, or, indeed get frustrated with your DS themselves?

I can see the attraction very easily but if there is any way whatsoever you could get your h to move out that would afford you far more independence in the long run.

It takes a very strong relationship indeed to live with extended family. Might her own dh not want privacy, yet you would be living there, not a short term guest.

Sorry, I'm thinking how it would be for me, your family are very likely more accommodating and less in need of their own space. Also, sorry to keep looking for negatives, childminding for family can lead to HUGE fallouts. Think this one through. I'm not saying don't split up if that's what you want, just be very careful how.

Thanks for that perspective Matilda, food for thought.

Not sure about longer term once they are ready to buy, that's the only grey bit and it is realistically several years away. I would be on their tenancy and they have assured me that they would never leave me homeless!

The 'new family unit' as it would be, gets on brilliantly and DD's DP has not been pressured into this at all. DS is not the issue, and away from DH he doesn't annoy anyone more than the average teen! We are looking for somewhere with plenty of room so that we don't feel crowded, but are all good at respecting each other's need for time alone.

I had DGC for 2 days per week when DD initially returned to work and there has never been an issue. We are very close and- perhaps naturally- have the same views on parenting

The cost of privately renting an equivalent size property in the area we live in, is approx 2.5/3 times more than we currently pay so DH is not going to willingly leave. The logistics of even trying to get him go make me feel exhausted.

The more I think about it, the more I reckon the short term loss of my independence is a price worth paying for my sanity and the emotional wellbeing of my DS.

How will 3 adults under one roof work? Three adults related by family ties? There's huge potential for tension and misunderstanding there, so if you go down this route, I think you really need to talk with DD and her partner about a lot of aspects of this arrangement, to make sure you are all on the same page.

For example, will they assume that it is "their" family home, with you as a kind of lodger? While you assume that all 3 of you share leadership and responsibilities equally?

How will all of you manage the day-to-day? Like 2 households under one roof, managing your days and meals and chores separately, or like one household, sharing all meals together? Something else?

etc...

There's potential for some really explosive emotional misunderstandings here.
I'm not saying don't do it, just go into it really carefully and thoughtfully. It would be a shame for this to lead to a falling out with your DD.

We are all quite calm, laid back and measured people, and are articulate enough to discuss things in depth without falling out unlike DH funnily enough. Obviously you don't know us but that's truly how it is.

There are very few people in the world that I could easily share space with, and fortunately, they feel the same. Amusingly, DD's only concern was that if in future her father needed a roof, this would set a precedent that she would not be happy to extend

We will most definitely be talking every aspect of this through and clarifying all expectations before we commit fully.
It transpires that the prospect of us all sharing a home was discussed between DD and her DP when DH and I were having issues before.

I often do laundry, dishes, shopping, run errands, start dinner etc when I am looking after DGC so it would probably be a variation along those lines. I would not be expected to have to care for the LO outside of my 4 'working' days, but of course I would spend time with them as I already I do

A couple of legal and financial questions (to which I don't know the answer) that you might be wise to check out - sounds like the practical aspects of living together would work okay.

1. If you're on the tenancy, would you have an equal liability for the rent if there is a problem down the line? Their financial circumstances could change for example.
2. Will working 2 days per week give you enough income to contribute to household expenses, groceries etc and have personal money for yourself and your DS?
3. Would the changes to your income and CV limit your future options?
4. With 4 days of childcare and 2 days of paid work, that's a 6 day week. Quite a lot to commit to for the next two years - although I know many people do manage.

Could you ask him to move?
It being your tenancy originally.
Have I got that right?
He should go.

Morally yes jackydanny, but legally no. We have equal rights and unless the tenancy is breached e.g. domestic violence (not applicable so far!), I/they cannot force him out. I've spoken to my housing dept and they cannot comprehensively confirm whether I could remain on the tenancy if it is not my main residence, they want me to send them an email with finer details before they commit. I don't know if he would bother to contest it but if he were to go to them in a year or so and say I'd left and he wanted my name off, then I suspect I'd be on shaky ground.

I've been trying to work through some of your questions already Overtired, along with all the others going round in my head.

1. It's an unlikely prospect but a good point. If I were to be a joint tenant, my income may not be deemed acceptable without a guarantor. In which case it could be better if I was just a named non dependent member of the household.
2. My childcare/housework contribution would be all that would be required. It would be tight during term time but I could earn extra money during the holidays, and my outgoings are not going to be high. The maintenance and CB I receive for DS is enough to meet his needs so he's 'self funding' for now. He should either be going to university or finding a job in 18 months time, sooner if his lifestyle doesn't suit his allowance

1. No more than my choice of job already does.

1. I'm under 50 and fairly energetic so I think I'd cope. It's only one more day than I'm already doing, and without the stress currently attached.

Going through this with you all is being really helpful and I may show DD the thread if she hasn't found it already.

Thanks for that nugget of hope Uncrushedparsley

Would you want to stay there with all DC?
It's him who has the problem after all.

In the past I would have said yes jackydanny, but

1. He would regard it as his DC taking sides which would be beyond his comprehension or acceptance and
2. Said DC is developing several of his father's negative habits which I already struggle to live with. The difference is I can separate the behaviour from my feelings for them as a person, in the way most parents do when their DCs test them.

His older DCs are well aware of what he is like and will not need to ask why I left. Likewise other members of his family.