Bit sad about friend hiding engagement - would you say anything?

[Quezovercoatl]

Have named changed for this as it is probably quite identifying, but am an oldie.

The context is that last year a longstanding and close (?) male friend came out as gay and being in a relationship with a man after breaking up about a year previously with his long term (female) partner. He is not out to the friendship group that he shared with his ex-partner apart from me and one or two others, but is fully out in his professional life, to his family and with whatever friends he shares with his new partner.

I met his new partner, who seems lovely, in November - reading between the lines I think that friend has probably been involved with him for a very long time, much longer than he is saying, but doesn't want to say so because it will mean admitting being involved while he was supposedly still with ex girlfriend. I am not inclined to judge as friend had an extremely repressive upbringing and I think is still actually quite messed up about his sexuality despite being 'out and proud' in some selected areas of his life.

Just before Christmas, I was on Facebook late at night and saw an alert pop up that he had just changed his relationship status to engaged. It then almost immediately disappeared. However I don't think it was a mistake or a joke as his boyfriend's page is full of messages of congratulation. He hasn't said anything about it to me since.

While I understand that he has had a hard time struggling with his sexuality, I'm finding it quite hard to reconcile what I thought was a good friendship with the level of secrecy he obviously wants to have about his life. I know nobody is obliged to share all of their lives' events with their friends, but am very sad that apparently I'm not considered good enough even to know that he's marrying his partner.

I know that for various reasons I'm a bit more than fragile than normal about losing friendships, so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or whether this is a normal thing to be sad about. What would you do in my situation? Would you say anything, or see how things pan out?

Wait and see.
Clearly he's still not completely comfortable with who he is / how the world perceives him, and - if I've read it right - you are part of the old world with his female partner. He might not want to ask you to keep a secret from mutual friends, so is keeping it to himself until he is ready to 'fully come out'.
Lots of people don't want to tell the world the details of their relationships in the eraly stages, even without this huge revelation.

I think it's a mistake in trying to make this out to be something lacking in your friendship, I see it more as sad that it's something within himself that he isn't ready to share.

If it were me, I'd be on the phone to congratulate.

I would think that though, I have my own secret I wouldn't share in real life so know it's all about my feelings and no reflection in friends and family that I only recently shared.

I depends how close you feel you are.

I would ask.

A female straight friend of mine did this a couple of years ago - got engaged, didn't want to tell anyone for a while - her reasons: she wanted to enjoy the privacy for a bit, and, they were getting the ring adjusted. I really saw it as no big deal. Her news to share as and when she wants. Same for your friend. Some people are just more private, not necessarily to do with him now being with a man, or hiding it from his ex-gf, just wanting some space. Christmas wasn't that long ago, it just feels like it.

I have already been asked to keep this (both the reason for the split and the new relationship) a secret from mutual friends. I have had to fend off questions from nosey friends. It's not like he's not already putting me in a slightly difficult situation on that score.

Interrobang - it obviously is public and being celebrated - in his other life.

I get that he has every right to compartmentalise his life if that works for him, but it is just pretty sad to be on the receiving end of it.

The only other good friend I've had who I've known both before and after coming out eventually dropped the friendship as she didn't want to have any reminders of her former life. It does feel awfully like history repeating itself.

This isn't about you, OP. You've said yourself that you're unduly sensitive about losing friendships on the grounds of sexuality, but it's not this man's fault you feel as if you're in a pattern. I think you need to respect his sensitivities. He obviously trusts you enough to confide in you about the reason for the split with his woman partner. Your nosy mutual friends shouldn't be interrogating you about someone else's sex life, but maybe he's aware of this and either doesn't want to add to your burden, or worries about gossip leaking out among the group.

You would have been nine the wiser if it weren't for bloody FB. Treat it like any other confidential information you accidentally overheard.