How to improve relationship with mum?

[lulu12345]

Hi everyone, I just wondered whether anyone has been through anything similar to this or has any ideas about how I improve my relationship with my mum.

We've had a fairly distant relationship since I was about 14 - I wanted to start doing things she didn't approve of (nothing too crazy - socialising with boys, staying out late etc) and it really upset her. I was quite headstrong and found it easier to do what I wanted and just not tell her about it, rather than be open and try to rationalise. Unfortunately this was the start of us growing apart, made worse when left home at 17. She is a very caring and well-meaning mother but a highly emotional, negative and regretful person. She's extremely sad about how distant our relationship is and can't seem to get over the disappointment and regret of what went wrong in order to find any happiness or pleasure when we speak or spend time together now, many years later. I speak to her every few weeks by phone and see her 2 or 3 times a year as I've moved far away from her. To be honest I find it really difficult to spend time together as she is so negative and unhappy about everything and everyone that it really brings me down. I'm not perfect though, I know I could have been more patient and done a lot more over the years to stay close to her.

Anyway, this has all been brought to a head since I told her I was pregnant a few weeks ago. Unfortunately she has been unable to find any pleasure in the news, and the few phone calls we've had since I told her (at 12 weeks, after results of scan) have been her crying and wailing about how distant and awful our relationship has been and how sad she is that she might not be close to her grandchild.

I'm glossing over a lot of detail but suffice to say there hasn't been any abuse in the relationship. I think it's just a story about a daughter and mother who had little in common and gradually drifted further apart.

I've been deeply upset by all the emotions and sadness she has expressed since I announced the pregnancy and would like to try and improve the relationship before the baby is born, for everyone's sake. I've tried to be rational about looking forward, focussing on positives and finding solutions etc but all she wants to do is hash up all the things I should have done differently over the last 20 years to stay closer to her. I see her arguments but I can't fix the past. Has anyone else seen this or experienced this before? Can it be fixed? What can I do? Sorry such a long post.

I'm not sure that you can do much to be closer to your mother, or that the relationship can be fixed.

14 year olds aren't generally up to being open and rationalising, unless they already have that sort of relationship with their mother, and clearly you didn't.

I find it astounding that she couldn't be happy for even a moment with the news of your pregnancy. Seriously, I doubt being closer to her physically, by one of you relocating, would change that. It would just mean you having to tolerate her negativity more often.

With a child, that would be the LAST thing you need.

oh dear, how sad. How old is your mother?

Two options really that I can think of.

1 - Make time and space to actually talk to her face to face about what happened and to listen thoroughly to what she has to say, without defensiveness and excuses, just listening. Even say sorry for your part in the distance. It might be that the distance is a 50/50 matter but in this case it is worth considering, as long as she isn't the type of person to rub your nose in it every time.

if she the sort of woman whom you can fundamentally communicate with then this might be quite healing.

2 - If she isn't, if she has become stuck in a groove of weeping, then it's more a case of managing her. It has to quickly become teeth clenching to listen to this stuff over and over again. I would suggest that you see if you can arrange to ring her, so that you can do that when you are strong enough to bear the negativity. Make the effort to go and see her, but stay in a hotel. Don't discuss it, just stand firm on it in a kind way. Then you can keep the visits controllable - eitehr arrange to see her in the morning and then in the afternoon (you need your nap when you are preg!) or make it the whole day but leave after dinner, whatever you can manage.

You really would be the adult and the driving force in the relationship then, if she can´t shake herself out of the negativity, you'd have to take rather mroe responsibility than usual.

It sounds like you've tried to be very positive but it's not worked. Keep going with that and maybe focus on practical things. with the baby coming, maybe talk about baby-focussed things. Perhaps that will help change her focus ... slowly.

From what you say she is negative about everyone and everything. Has she got depression? would she go to the doctor or consider counselling? Life has so much more to offer than the black misery of depression, maybe with support she can access medical treatment.

all she wants to do is hash up all the things I should have done differently over the last 20 years to stay closer to her

It is no use telling you what you "should" do. It will not make a relationship.

Find out what you can about good mental health and good relationships and try and carry that out with your own child. Maybe some of it will rub off on your mother.

You can't fix her by doing what she wants though. Been there.

I think your mum needs therapy to deal with her regrets and to move forward. It's not your job to fix this - you were a young teen when it went wrong. I don't think it would be for you to suggest therapy - prob not - just trying to say I'm not sure you can/should be the one to fix this (especially as you are pregnant)

Thanks so much everyone for the responses. I do wonder if there's an underlying mental health problem there, a lot of her close family suffer from depression. At the very least there's an abnormal level of fragility and negativity. However I can't possibly imagine how I could ever broach this with her without a further breakdown. Agree with view that she could be getting more out of life, currently her world is very limited. She's early 60s but acts at least 10+ years older.

DayLillie - I'm so worried and paranoid that any of this would carry over and be repeated with my own child. Will definitely be looking into how to do things differently. Sorry to hear you've also been through something similar.

Yackity - my post might have been unfairly misleading, she was surprised and did express a bit of happiness for the first few minutes after I told her and when I ask her to focus on positives, she will say things like "it is great news" but always followed minutes later by crying and a return to negative emotions.

Meerka - I'm not sure I could ever get to the bottom of this by letting her talk it out, I've listened for so long and it's just so demoralising. I think we're into the territory of trying to manage the situation. I do need to try to be the adult, which I find can feel difficult but I know is right. My DH says exactly the same. You are so right about needing to find times I'm feeling emotionally strong though....first trimester emotions are now subsiding so hopefully will be easier soon! Agree also with focussing on discussing practical matters as this should take the emotion out of it. I'll put together some good news, practical bullet points to run through on next call!

All teenagers do the things you did. Most parents rein them in while also offering support to help the child develop the skills to make the right life choices.

Some mothers don't do that.

Lots of what you have written could have been written by me about my DM

I was quite headstrong and found it easier to do what I wanted and just not tell her about it, rather than be open and try to rationalise.

a highly emotional, negative and regretful person.

an abnormal level of fragility and negativity.

I suspect the rot set in much earlier than 14. If it is anything like my situation, the change at about 14 was that she could no longer fully control you, you could unilaterally choose to do what you wanted.

I have 3 DC. I worried a lot about how I would be with my future DC and put off having them for years out of fear.

I found this book helpful The Emotionally Absent Mother

Also this website about maladaptive behaviours

My relationship with my DC is good. Yours can be too.

when I ask her to focus on positives, she will say things like "it is great news" but always followed minutes later by crying and a return to negative emotions.
Does she always make everything about her?

she could be getting more out of life, currently her world is very limited.
Same is true of my DM. She doesn't really get along with people. Friends don't last long. She won't take up any hobbies. She does like to moan about how lonely she is though. If I mention something nice I have done, she will definitely go off on one about that, as if it is somehow my fault or I should feel guilty for having any nice times.

However I can't possibly imagine how I could ever broach this with her without a further breakdown.
Ah ha! You must always be careful not to say anything to upset mum. Walk on eggshells. My DM loves a good martyr-ish chest beating and wailing about what a terrible mother she is and how it has all gone wrong. Make a genuine complaint, however slight, or agree with her wailing and, well, the drama is epic. Is she upset by the suggestion she could be at fault?

I do wonder if there's an underlying mental health problem there
You might be looking at a personality disorder.

Try this: It is almost unique to the child of a Borderline to feel a lack of attachment and lack of love for the parent while at the same time blaming themselves for feeling this way

any ideas about how I improve my relationship with my mum.

I missed this bit! You can't. She's clearly not interested in changing. You can't do it alone.

Pregnancy makes you think about your relationship with your own mother.

You'll waste your last precious non-sleep-deprived time trying to improve your relationship with your mother. It'll make you crazy.

Instead, focus on identifying what was wrong so you can avoid those mistakes. As dispassionately as possible read, learn, observe. Avoid thinking about getting her to change, instead just understand the dynamic that exists.

Focus on your future child's needs and how you can meet them.

From what you say I too suspect the problems go back much further than when you were 14, lulu. I suspect they began long before you were born.

About your own children - being aware of what can happen is a very good start. There are other steps though, that's just the start of the road. Being aware of yourself helps ... Mindfulness training is supposed to be pretty good with that.

Thanks v much Gloopy for all the ideas. I've bought the book for my kindle and found the psychology today article fascinating. The "ungrateful" accusation was the soundtrack to my childhood! I think there probably was and still is truth to it as my parents would do kind things for me - occasional gifts of money, work on my house and garden etc - I have always been extremely grateful and would always say so but the feeling of distance and low level resentment has always meant that I've struggled to give her the emotionally intense response she wants. So whatever gratitude I express is never enough.

Sorry to hear that you've had the same situation, although it's a massive comfort to me to learn that you made it through and have been able to have a good relationship with your own DCs. Must have taken a great deal of self awareness and discipline to avoid repeating any learned habits.

While she is still harping on it all being your fault it will be hard to move forward.

You could alway try the 'that is all in the past, let's talk positively about now and the future'

'I have already said I wasn't going to talk about the past. I was reading this book the other day...'

'I have explained I won't talk about that. If you want to continue i will hang up and we can talk again in a few weeks. ... Did you see that snow is coming?'

' sorry mum. I am saying goodbye as I told you I wasn't going to rehash the past with you. Bye'

I would also think the rot set in here long before you turned 14. I was also thinking that your mother may well have some form of personality disorder.

It is NOT your fault your mother is the ways she is; her own family of origin likely did that lot of damage to her. What is her own background like, that often gives clues.

It is also not your sole job to try and repair any relationship either; you cannot do that on your own in any case. Firm and consistent boundaries re your mother is absolutely necessary.

It could be that she is depressed or it could be her personality.
You can't rebuild the relationship on your own. You could try ringing more often with up-beat news and using ignoring or cutting the call short if she starts crying. There may be a possibility of gradually training her out of it.

I wouldn't offer reassurance in response to crying or negativity but when she is being okay say positive things about looking forward to her meeting the baby.
Does she do e-mail? Can you send photos etc.

I think you are going to need to keep some boundaries up or she will irritate you so much that it will be hard to maintain the relationship.
Have you thought of asking if she is generally depressed and whether she would seek help for it? How do you think she would react if you did ask?

Are you 20 now?

If so, I'd feel the same if my daughter was pregnant at such a young age.

I'd want you to live your life first, get a career, before becoming responsible for another little person. Its difficult to do everything you want to do when you have children. They have to come first and if you had put your child first for many years and then they didn't achieve that you wanted them to achieve I can understand that you mother would be disappointed. I would be too.

You only ever want the best for your children.