Ex reported to social services - advice needed

[creativevoid]

I posted this in Divorce but didn't get much response so trying again. I got a lot of really good advice on this board as I gained the strength to leave my husband and now need some more help from you all.

My STBXH was EA and low level physically abusive to me. This occurred in front of our children (2 DS, 5 and 3 when I ended it). He was also EA to my elder son. At the time of our split we had a nasty custody battle ( he didn't work, I was the breadwinner) which ended with me being made resident parent and getting four nights per week. This was less than I wanted but was agreed through negotiation as I was told I wouldn't be able to prove anything (he admits his treatment of me) about the children. I was told his abuse of me didn't make him a bad father, etc etc.

On Friday night my elder DSL (now 6) expressed fear about me telling his dad to give him a bath more often. I probed a bit and he said H "shouts in their faces when he is annoyed." He seemed afraid that H would shout at me (it was all a bit garbled and he was very reluctant to say more but I know exactly what H is like so I was pretty concerned.

Then yesterday I got an email from H saying that while at the pool he had shouted at and slapped younger DS (4) and was reported to the manager, who reported to SS. He was let off with a chat.

This is the third time SS have been involved with him - when he was arrested for domestic assault and removed from our home, when I reported that the boys told me he left them alone to go running, and this latest.

I don't know what to do. Is this sufficient to go back to court and reduce his time with them? It feels like no one is interested until something horrific happens. I want to talk to Social Services to try to get them to see the pattern and have an independent expert speak to the boys but am afraid it will be manipulated into me being the vindictive ex.

I would call social services and find out if your children have a social worker. I would have thought that they would contact you to discuss it if they talked to your ex about his treatment of the children.

You can find out what info they have been given, what their response was and use that information to go back to court.

I think you do have to try yes.

Whether your best bet is SS or a lawyer first I dont know, but if you contact SS and explain your concerns from what your son said then it may help provide something more for them to go on.

You are clearly trying to keep your children safe so I wouldn't worry about being seen as the vindictive ex. Ss are quite good at seeing that. Also it's been reported to them via an independant source now.

Maybe I could go to CAB and ask them for advice or people who can help.

This is the THIRD TIME SS have been involved with him.

Contact SS yourself and voice your concerns about his parenting. I can't imagine anyone would consider you being vindictive under the circs. I wouldn't want my children to have any contact with him whtasoever. Most especially when a complete stranger has thought it necessary to contact SS on your child's behalf.

I'd fight tooth-and-nail to keep him away from the children. What an arsehole, bully shitbag he is!

Yes bitter, I know. But sadly my experience so far has been that no one is particularly interested.

Yes, do contact SS, it might be that no link was made, and nobody traced previous concerns about your ex. Make sure you put your concerns in writing. Point out the pattern and say that you would like to speak to a social worker regarding this. Talk to your children's school about your concerns too, so that they are aware. It might also be worth contacting the pool manager and finding out exactly what happened.

ermmm, you have no idea what took place. All you have is what your ex told you. I would be on the phone lickety split to SS demanding to know what happened to my children, and to find out what they are going to do to help you protect them.

Who is going to view you negatively, your ex? Who cares? SS? Unlikely but again who cares?

I would also be at the solicitors first thing in the morning too checking out my options.

It's "good" for want of a better word that a third party raised concerns here id have thought.

Sorry I don't have any real advice but it sounds like you are doing the right thing(s).

Yes bitter, I know. But sadly my experience so far has been that no one is particularly interested Don't give up though. Keep voicing your concerns. If it does go to court, they will want to know what you did about your concerns (ie who you reported to), and what the outcome was. The most important thing for you will be that each time something happens you follow it up. The other thing you could do is call the non emergency police number and ask their advice over the last incident.

Thanks everyone. I emailed my lawyer this weekend and I am also in contact with another lawyer as I am not convinced my current lawyer takes this stuff seriously enough. I will contact the pool manager and talk to SS. I like the idea about putting my concerns in writing. Then I can set it out clearly - it's a pattern and totally consistent with his behaviour in our marriage but my experience is the legal system looks at each incident in isolation.