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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I be patient or am I being taken for a fool?

23 replies

INeedSomeHelp · 18/01/2015 16:34

I met someone in December through online dating and we got on really well. We very quickly talked about it being a long term thing and both agreed we weren't interested in any kind of fling. This came from him as much as me.
After New Year his DM became very ill and he has been very stressed sorting things out for her. He is an only child and his DF died a few years ago so he has no-one to share this with.
He has totally withdrawn from me though. He has apologised and said it is due to the stress and he is no use to anyone else until he gets his DM's situation sorted.
But I'm starting to feel that he is choosing to end things by the cowardly no contact route.
I am trying to be patient but not sure if I'm being taken for a mug or if I should bide my time until he sorts himself out.
I did think he was a decent man and we were on to something good but now I am so full of doubt and I know I'm over thinking everything.

OP posts:

Hassled · 18/01/2015 16:38

You are overthinking things - you've been seeing him what, a few weeks, and you're talking long-term commitment? You seem very invested for something that may well fizzle out regardless of the sick mother - you barely know each other.

And yes, if he's an only child with the responsibility of an ageing, unwell parent then his mind will be fully on that - it does sound like he's a decent bloke with the right priorities. Bide your time and see what happens.

pictish · 18/01/2015 16:41

Next time don't agree to exclusivity and making a long term commitment, mere weeks in. That's all I can say. I understand his mum is ill, but that does not explain his complete withdrawal from you.

scarletforya · 18/01/2015 16:42

I'd be wary. You talked about long term already, you met in December? But if a red flag there I'm afraid.

It sounds like he's backing off. I'm not saying his mother isn't sick but it didn't sounds as if he's still add into it as he was.

BIWI · 18/01/2015 16:44

Give the man some space! You met him in December - we're only just half way through January! He's an only child, and his mother has just died. Don't you just, perhaps, think he might be not only grieving but rather overwhelmed with the situation he's in?

Have you contacted him to show him any kind of support, or are you just playing games and sulkily waiting for him to call you?

pictish · 18/01/2015 16:45

His mum hasn't died.

Original poster

INeedSomeHelp · 18/01/2015 16:48

His mum hasn't died. I'm not that heartless!
I know it all sounds very rushed but it didn't feel like that. And it definitely wasn't coming just from me. He had asked me to attend a major work event with him and talked about our summer holidays.

OP posts:

elsabelle · 18/01/2015 16:51

I am an only child who has lost both my parents recently and i can honestly say i fell apart for 6 months. I withdrew from lots of people and lost some friends along the way. Just about getting back on track now.

Being orphaned (or fearing you are about to be if his mum is very sick) is terrifying and being an only child certainly adds an extra level of burden and worry. He is certainly going to be prioritising his mother at the moment at all costs. Its what any of us would do in a similar situation

He may take a long time to be ready for a serious relationship. I'd say cut him some slack but also think about what you want. If you cant wait and would sooner crack on trying to meet someone else then that's understandable too. Maybe you let him know you like him and are happy keep things casual as you know he's got a lot on, then in the meantime keep dating. Good luck.

pictish · 18/01/2015 16:54

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Take your time with these things...find out the lay of the land before jumping in with both feet.
You barely know this man, and look, you are in a place of confusion and worry, because you haven't a clue what he's playing at.

Talk is cheap. Just someone not by what they say, but by what they do.

So far, he seems to be ignoring you.

BIWI · 18/01/2015 16:55

Apologies OP - I totally misread your post

ImperialBlether · 18/01/2015 16:56

My parents are very elderly now and my mum isn't well. It's incredibly stressful and time consuming. The problem is that because you don't know her, you can't be much use to him at the moment (in terms of helping with her) and it sounds as though all of his focus is on her. It's even more understandable when you consider he's an only child.

I think you could back off on the romantic front but increase the friendship - does he need help? Is there anything at all you could do? Keep in touch with him but don't put any pressure on him - it is obviously a really difficult time for him.

m0therofdragons · 18/01/2015 16:57

When dh and I started dating a close family member was very ill and then died. The last month of her life was completely consuming both emotionally but also with practical stuff that needed doing. Dh and I had only been together a few weeks and I just didn't have the capacity to deal with a new relationship. Dh said he'd wait and was there if I needed him. After a few weeks we picked up where we left off and that was 13 years ago. It sounds like a life changing situation for him. If you are serious about him tell him and tell him you are there if he needs someone to lean on.

pictish · 18/01/2015 17:02

It's worth mentioning that I watched my much loved mum become ill and quickly die, a few years ago.
It was devastating, time consuming and mind fucking it's true, but I had to keep on because I had a young child to think of, so I didn't fall apart.

Perhaps I am being uncharitable to this guy, but my beep beep is sounding because of the rush job relationship.

Original poster

INeedSomeHelp · 18/01/2015 17:12

I did think he was worth it so I will take a step back to give him some space and get on with my life. And hopefully he will get in touch when things have improved. I certainly don't feel like dating anyone else just now though.

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/01/2015 17:13

Back of a few miles and wait to see if he contacts you. You are waaaaay too invested for a relationship of one month. Presumably he has more important things on his mind right now.

benfoldsfive · 18/01/2015 17:13

He doesn't live Yorkshire way does he?

Original poster

INeedSomeHelp · 18/01/2015 17:15

Ha ha no benfoldsfive he doesn't. Is he sounding familiar?!

OP posts:

benfoldsfive · 18/01/2015 17:21

Yes. Very. A friend got very close to someone (it went on for about 2 months), lots of texts and emails. She had honestly thought she had found her soul mate. Then as she is going for the weekend, first meeting, his dm gets I'll and them he pulls the stress line.

As long as he doesn't work in finance.....

Original poster

INeedSomeHelp · 18/01/2015 17:23

benfoldsfive no he doesn't work in Finance so doesn't sound like the same man - although similarities! And we had already met, been to each other's houses and out on dates.

OP posts:

benfoldsfive · 18/01/2015 17:28

Phew.

I am sure she was catfished! Sorry to hijack your thread, it was a horrid, almost like a death when it was over.

Sorry, as you were.

greeneggsandjam · 18/01/2015 19:25

You haven't even known him for a full 2 months. I think you need to calm it down a bit!

Original poster

INeedSomeHelp · 18/01/2015 20:19

Thanks everyone. Writing this down has put it all in perspective for me. I appreciate I was getting totally carried away (although I know he was too).
I am just going to back off completely. If he gets back in touch then we'll see what happens.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/01/2015 20:43

You don't know that HE was getting carried away, INeed, you only now how YOU felt/were thinking. You really don't know him well enough and to save yourself embarrassment or kicking yourself later on, just distance yourself for now. If he needed support and wanted it from you, he'd be in contact, wouldn't he? Parent being in ill-health or not, people who want to be in contact just are.

Too much too soon and it sounds as if he's pulling back anyway. If there is something there then let him get in touch and then you can decide whether you want to take it further or not. You sound very kind and caring but you don't know this man well enough to leap into any kind of 'partner' role.

pictish · 18/01/2015 20:51

Parent being in ill-health or not, people who want to be in contact just are.

Absolutely.

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