What would your Gut Instinct tell you if this was your OH?

[blinginginthereign]

This may or may not make any sense to anyone reading it, but I am slowing driving myself crazy over this.

My OH does a very niche job and several years before we met he had an affair with a colleague which ended his marriage. The new relationship did not last and they split up ten years ago, this year. We have been together eight years.

My OH now moved on from this job but several months ago, I cannot explain this - but I could not help myself but I googled his ex and found that she was still doing the same line of work and where exactly in the world she was. I never told OH that I had done this, because quite frankly it felt a bit stalkerish and I was a "meh" about the fact I had done it.

So anyhow, OH was made redundant six months ago and has only just got a new position which starts relatively soon. So, we were having a conversation yesterday whilst having lunch and I asked him what I had been wrestling with for months, "have you ever thought about this job (what his ex does), he replied that no, never really thought about it and then I asked him to clarify what the role actually entails. He then gave me an example and, guess what, he went on to describe her exact job including the location! She is the only person doing this job in that particular part of the world, totally unique role.

So, I am sort of making the conclusion that at some point since she took the role they have been in contact, which from the profile I saw she has been in the role for two years...

He totally denies ever having contact with her since they split up. Do I say anything to him? Now I am thinking good grief, is this my guardian angel trying to tell me that he is lying to me and what else is he lying to me about...

Thanks...

He doesn't need to have contact with her to know where she works. After all you know where she works and you've not!

It's possible that he intermittently googles her, and that's where the knowledge comes from. That would be pretty ordinary a thing to do - natural curiosity- not necessarily suspect, or indicating that he's in touch with her.

But - to answer your question, I would never in a million years put my faith in a man who had an affair which destroyed his marriage. Did you know about his history before you married him? Personally, I would say that that's where your gut instinct is coming in.

He may be leading an utterly blameless life and continue to do so. But the facts of it are that he is a man who is capable of cheating and lying on a grand scale. And you know this. So, at some level, your sensible gut instinct common sense is telling you not to trust him.

Perfectly reasonable way to think, I'm afraid.

I see where you are coming from, but the amount of detail he knew was staggering! It is not a generic job by any means and I was just a little staggered as to how much exact detail he knew about.

It is not a job sector or profession that I know about, so all I knew from Google was her job title and location.

Thank you for your responses though, I do understand what you all mean. I do think you are all right, something is putting me on edge about the whole relationship.

I suppose I poked the fire and got burnt by a cinder (as my old Granny would say)..

Thanks xx

I couldn't trust him I'm afraid, not just for the fact that his affair ended his marriage but also the fact that after 8 years, you have suspicions. Most of the time, they are not unfounded.

Talk to him some more or it will drive you crazy.

If all you know is her job title and location, how do you know that what he was describing is exactly what she does, in minute detail?

That scenario wouldn't bother me, but the fact that he had an affair which ended his marriage would.

He had an affair ... ten years ago admittedly but even so, not the greatest testiment to honesty.

He describes her job right down to what it entails and location. Does the job actually have to be in that location? And is the job extremely specific? (eg researching a particular type of sea creatures might need specific job skills and to be in one particular location). If that's so, it could possibly be an accurate guess and above board.

If it's much the sort of work that could be done all over, niche or not, then I'm afraid it'd be hard to trust that he was not in contact. And as you say, he has cheated before. So yes, I'd keep my eyes open.

Is there any chance he saw the job advertised or was head-hunted if it is a very niche role?

If he knew lots of details which he could only know from her (probably)- how did you know that these details were of that job/role? You only knew her title and location, no specific details. How do you know he's describing her job if you say yourself you had to google it and only have limited knowledge.
Sorry don't quite follow how you've connected them.

But yes I would be nervous. Not really because of this, though, just because he had the affair in the first place- as someone else said.

X posted with someone who had exact same confusion as me!

If he worked in a niche industry he may have maintained some contacts in it and they may have mentioned his ex. It wouldn't automatically ring alarm bells for me.

As PP have said, the alarm bells would have been ringing because of how he ended his marriage but presumably you made peace with that.

I really wouldn't be worried about this at all (although I think it's rather difficult to say without knowing what the kind of work it is you're referring to). So I'm wondering if there's something else you're thinking about?

The guardian angel thing is a bit odd. Why doesn't he just tell you?

He could well know all that without being in contact with her directly, I think a much bigger problem is the fact that he cheated on his ex wife.