Not sure where to start.

[erazer]

I found out 4 months ago my husband was having an affair. I am devastated, we have been married over 40 years. We are still together but I am finding things so hard. I go over and over everything. I still love him and we both want to make things work but the feeling I have are all over the place.

You are absolutely bound to feel awful. It's very recent and upsetting.

Do you have RL support? Tell us some more.

I have only one friend for support, I don want to tell any people where I live it is a small place and I can trust anyone. My friend does not live near me so I feel alone. Finding just writing this so hard. I wonder if I can continue like this. The slag he cheated on me with was a so called friend. I am ok sometimes, try so hard to look forward.
This affair was going on a long time. I found out when I check his emails and there were emails from him to her

I ended my then 37 year marriage two years ago for reasons that aren't for here but I just wanted to acknowledge your pain and bewilderment.

Whilst not saying to you to LTB, I would like to gently suggest you have some time apart from him in order to think things through. It may be that your marriage will survive the goings on but what can happen is that you could make a panicked decision now,either way, and it could be one that you may not want to live further down the line.

Is there anywhere one of you could go for a while. Could you afford a holiday away on your own for a month?

It really is time to be kind to yourself and not consider your husband for the time being.

The slag he cheated on me with was a so called friend. Yes, and he was your so-called husband

What is he doing to help you and your relationship survive this?

Posters are going to suggest you tell more people, because keeping his secret will just add to your burden.

I wonder how much of your worry is being on your own after 40 years of marriage.

Do you have interests, hobbies, children, friends so that there would be support if you decided to kick him out.

There are a lot of wonderful women who will be able to provide you with advice. I am sorry you are going through this. I am not an expert but 4 months is not that long so its not surprising you are finding it tough. I would urge you to get some help - close friends and/or counsellors. Finding out your husband cheated with one of your friends is I imagine very tough. BUT you can't solely blame your friend. Your DH cheated. Be kind to yourself. Do what is right for you.

Thank for your replies. I have friends and children who would help, but I do not live in the same country as them. I have hobbies.
He is helping , and is open with his phone and computer and things.
I don't want to involve my children or other friends at this stage. Not for him, but for me.

He is helping , and is open with his phone and computer and things.

Has he told her clearly that it's over and that he wants to see if he can save his marriage? Did he do this with you hearing this conversation?

Is he letting you know where he is and reassuring you he's not lying about his whereabouts?

How about money? How is he reassuring you that he's no longer spending your money on another woman?

Has he moved out and given you space to think?

Sorry! That was a bit of a barrage. I think what we see on here so often is women trying to make it work, when their husband hasn't even made the most basic of efforts.

Another common story appears to be women who really want their marriage to survive, who have husbands really trying to regain their trust, but who find they just can't.

He has told me, he has told her it is over. I did not hear this. He tells me where he is going and does reassure me he is lying. I can go with him if I wish. I do find it hard when he is not here. I have not thought about money , but I can check.
He has not moved out, I did not ask him to. We were not at home when I found out. We were with relatives on holiday. Things were complicated and difficult.

Oh gosh, my heart goes out to you, OP. Bad enough that your husband has an affair, but with someone you thought was a friend. Talk about a double betrayal. I know of what I speak - same thing happened to me. My best friend, in whom I confided that husband was seeing an OW - and it turned to be her! The hurt was almost unbearable.
You've had some excellent advice from other MNs here. I really do agree with them, that you should get some support in RL, don't bear this burden all alone. What do you actually want? Is there hope that the marriage can be salvaged? Or do you, in your heart, thing it's not repairable? In any case, I do agree that a time apart would be best, for you both to think about where to go from here. I am so sorry this has happened to you - I can all too well know how you feel.

I think there is Hope we can save our marriage, we are both working towards it. That is what we both want. It's just so hard when I think about everything that has happened. Unfortunately the ow lives not far from us. I have only seen her once, which was at a party. We are looking to move house, but I love my home, but to be honest I know I will feel better further away.

It might be worth finding out what the other options are. So perhaps visit a solicitor to see what you would get out of a divorce, financially speaking.

Give some thought into moving, or, how about making a temporary move to Spain? or the coast, to see how it feels. And take longer to find your ideal home for your later years.

Thank you, there are some good ideas I had not thought about. I will look into things