Being a bitch to DP

[Jbop]

I keep being horrible to my DH. Flying off the handle if he criticises or tries to bring up worries. He's generally agreat guy, supportive and a wonderful dad but uptight and taciturn at times. We can both be guilty of being grumpy. I have had a bit of a rough time recently - stress at work, an incident which really shook me, and have just found out I'm pregnant. I'm exhausted and hormonal and don't know what to do. Why am I struggling to be kind to him?

Here's what you do. Apologise..... He knows you're stressed, pregnant and all the rest. Doesn't give you the right to be a grouch but he will be making allowances. As long as you sincerely apologise.... retrospectively and in advance. ... and as long as you make a particular effort to THINK before going on the offensive, you should be OK.

To be honest, I don't think stress, hormones, whatever is any excuse to "be a bitch" to the people you love.

You are capable of thinking before you act. If you wanted to, you could take a few seconds to breathe before snapping at him. You're deliberately allowing yourself to behave like this because, subconsciously, you think he will just take it. That's pretty much the definition of taking someone for granted.

The solution to this is to start taking responsibility for your own behaviour. If you are feeling really irritable then say in advance "I'm sorry, but I'm feeling really irritable today. Please don't take it personally if I am a bit ratty with everything".

Don't snap at him! If someone came on here and was saying "my husband keeps being really rude to em and snapping" then everyone would be saying that being tired or stressed is no excuse to treat your partner like shit. The same applies to you.

I don't know...because you enjoy having someone to bring down, and he stupidly puts up with you?

Have you always treated him like this?

Or what kay said. I agree with her.
It's not beyond your control. If you are aware of treating him badly, and continue to do so, then that's what you choose to do. You won't get much sympathy from me.

When did this start? When I'm pregnant I stsrt most days apologising in advance if I fly off the handle.

Thanks for replies. Tough comments to read but I need to take them on board and I definitely need to think before I speak - I'm very very defensive. It's been worse since the hormones kicked in. It's not every day or anything but we've already had two "moments" this year.

It's not always been like this no. It started in my last pregnancy I think but we also had several rows when DC1 was young. I had anxiety and PND and no support except from DH, leaned in him heavily and he also bore the brunt of my unhappiness.

We have had so many wonderful happy times the last few years and I hate that I've punctuated it with these horrible moments.

I hate that I do this. I grew up in an environment where one of my parents constantly and viciously belittled the other (and still does) and I'm terrified I'm the same and I need not to be.

I need to change. I need to be kinder to DH and more thoughtful. Can any of you recommend any actions, reading or routes to helping me do this, for good? Would counselling help?

Don't take the harsh comments to heart too much, well done for recognising you have an issue you need to address. I was exactly the same with my DH after an horrific bereavement and finding out I was pregnant shortly afterwards. I also suffered with PND. I went to the doctor, please do this and talk honestly about how your feeling, antidepressants and CBT were offered to me, counselling is also available. I think I took everything out on my DH because I could be myself with him. Everyone else saw a mask and it was exhausting, behind closed doors the mask would slip and Id take all my anger and hurt out on him because I thought he loved me unconditionally and he wouldn't leave. Looking back, I don't know how he didn't leave, but I am thankful every day that he didn't. I also found that exercise helped massively, it really cleared my head. Could you do some walking or swimming maybe?Please try and sort this out now before your baby arrives. Good luck x

Thank you RaisingMen, I really identify with what you're saying especially about the mask. I was too afraid to admit even to myself how depressed I was after having my first DC and no-one would ever have guessed except perhaps my mum (who I was also pretty vile to on the rare occasions I saw her). Poor DH bore the brunt and I know he is worried about how I'll cope with another DC.

Exercise is a brilliant idea, I am not doing any at the moment and I know it will help me.

Good luck, feel free to PM me if you need to. I'm pregnant again at the moment and have found myself struggling, just going for a swim for an hour is enough to tire me out and clear my head. As other posters have suggested, try taking a deep breath before responding to DH if you're feeling stressed and if you're in a shitty mood tell him before it gets to argument stage x