Doggy Style Dilemma

[TillyWantsTangled]

I've met someone fantastic. Pretty much perfect. Ticks all the right boxes including the butterflies

It's early days and we haven't slept together yet but we probably will the next time we see each other (we both want to but I just really wanted to be sure we're with each other for us rather than sex). The only problem is my dog (please don't laugh ).

So that I'm not drip feeding, I've lived by myself (no kids) since I was late teens. I died from loneliness and eventually got a dog when I was off work with depression in my early twenties. When I returned to work I took the dog with me so really we were together all the time.

Hindsight is a great thing because now I'm stuck in a position of the dog being majorly attached - think clingy toddler that still shares the bed!! It really didn't cross my mind -stupidly- until I got a new job where the dog had to stay at home. Cue one very depressed dog and lots of annoyed neighbours resulting in £££s being spent on trainers, behaviourists and another dog so that he is settled enough to stay at home content without me.

New partner is amazing and likes the dog but has said very clearly he feels uncomfortable about it being there when we DTD. I have no idea how to tackle this and feel like a rabbit in the headlights.

I understand completely where he is coming from but WTF do I do? Dog is completely happy lying in a corner no where near me - as long as he can see me he is fine but I genuinely can't even go to the toilet without him following me. If the door is closed on him and he knows I am in the house he will bark and bark and bark. Loudly.

I don't want my new fella thinking I'm nuts but is it really wrong to refuse to ban the dog from the bedroom as he'll not come near us anyway....

I haven't posted this in AIBU so that I can hopefully get some input without being flayed so please don't be too harsh!

PS regular/nc/lemon drizzle bitch/penguin bollards/yada yada

Have sex somewhere other than home?

I reckon your boyfriend will get past his shyness though.

It may be obvious from my post that I don't have a dog, but isn't it possible that a devoted dog seeing it's owner moaning or crying but leap on top of the bounder who was "hurting" you and rip a chunk in him?

Would a dog crate help somewhere in the equation? You can drape a sheet over it at the appropriate time? My critters love their crates and a sheet over makes them feel more comfortable and more likely to sleep.

The dog suffers from separation anxiety, poor mite. I fear that your sex-life might have to take place other than in your own home. At least for time being.

Have the dog PTS?

Joking.

I wouldn't like to share a room with a dog.

I thought this was going to be a Friday night bum-sex thread.

disappointed

My cat used to be in the room sometimes, but he kept out of the way and wasn't as clingy as your dog. I'd probably DTD somewhere else a few times at first so at least you don't have the added stress of wondering what the dog is up to.

There was a Channel 4 documentary about dogs with separation anxiety and how to treat them. I'd recommend watching it and then get help with treating the dogs separation anxiety. It is a long haul and won't change overnight. It was a brilliant programme because they filmed the dogs when the owners were out - and the ones with serious separation anxiety were heart breaking to watch.

Eg. one would always mess the house when the owners were out - they thought it was after a few hours. The filming showed it was almost immediately they left as the dog was so upset. Another one would pace round and round until they came back.

If you already have spent money on behaviourists and you still have a problem at this level, you haven't been seeing the right people.

Some further info here.

dogs.channel4.com/sad-dogs/separation-anxiety/

Dog attacking definitely not an issue! He has been in the room before whilst I've DTD a few times and didn't even notice. I don't want to start the whole just don't have sex in the house thing because I really think this could be something long term so that's just delaying the issue. Dogs are happy and content at my dad's so will dispatch them there for the first few nights.

Any ideas on how I can broach the subject without making it an issue or seeming like a deranged woman that's too attached to her dog? I'm totally holding my hands up here and say I'm not willing to distress the one thing that has been there as a constant for me for years or throw him to the side now that I've (maybe) got something better to keep me warm

I'm not a dog expert but one of the things they did was to train the dog to not panic when the owner was leaving the house.

From your point of view, you could use the same technique when leaving the room/leaving the dog in another room.

This is my half remembered account of that programme but it's sometime ago since I watched it.

The jist of it was get the dog something new and fun to do and condition it so it does not automatically associate the new fun thing with you leaving.

People when they are about to leave the house (in your case have sex!) will unwittingly do the same things. Go to get their coat, jingle keys etc. Yours will be stuff like - your partner is there, closing doors etc.

So they got the dog a treat dispensing toy (kind of thing with treats in that it can smell but has to muck about with to get it to dispense one).

These types of things:
gizmodo.com/5913008/the-6-best-toys-to-keep-your-dog-really-busy

The owner would set up a new "area" for the dog - a new blanket/bed/bean bag and give it the toy. And then start to take your normal preparatory steps to leave. But do not leave.

Do this a couple of times.

Next time, do the same thing and leave the house, close the door, but only for a minute or so.

And so on - extending time away.

That was the essence of it.

You could try this with your partner being there. So first time, dog just gets to muck around while you go into the bedroom for a few minutes leaving the door open. Etc.

I wouldn't be happy with a dog lying there in the corner of the room watching me and making disparaging remarks about my sexual technique.

OP, can't you fill up a huge bucket with Pedigree Chum in the kitchen to keep him busy for a while?

If you are going to try it, you are going to need to discuss the dog separation anxiety issue with your partner.

It may not be a bad idea to watch The Secret Life of Dogs episode that dealt with this together - if he's not a dog person, it will help explain it to him.

If you can't find it on some iplayer etc, it's periodically repeated on Channel 4

All of it is 'delaying the issue' though - really, you have a dog with separation anxiety and that needs to be tackled for his sake, rather than working around it with every new problem that comes up! I second crate/more behaviourists and really try and get this sorted (as in, dog being happy to be not in same room as you).

Thanks for all the really good advice especially Maeda for going to so much effort! |I was half afraid I would get shouted at for how stupid/precious I am

Will definitely watch the documentary later. he loves those sorts of toys so I might start limiting them to when Mr comes. I'm trying really hard to get the dog to stay in the kitchen when I'm in the sitting room and hopefully will progress from there

See? Really, who could say no to that face?

Where's the other dog you said you got to keep the original one happy?

You need to start setting boundaries with the dog and moving him/her out of your bedroom. Move dogs bed further and further away until you have the bed in the hall way / landing out of your bedroom.

Crate training can help immensely, gives the dog a secure space to go to.

I'd suggest speaking to a behaviourist (your vets should be able to put you in touch with a good one) and trying to unravel this problem that you have created.

I assume the dog is now able to cope whilst you are out at work? Then it should be able to cope whilst you are having some private time or going to the toilet.

With regards to the toilet problem, you need to return the dog to his crate / bed every time you leave a room if he starts to follow you. Start of with short periods, just 10 seconds or so and then lengthen it. Praise the dog if he's been good and stayed where you told him without barking or following you. It wont be an overnight fix and you'll need to work at it religiously - no giving in or letting him follow you once in a while.

"See? Really, who could say no to that face?"

Aww, is that him?

It's a bit odd. I'd be at a bloke insisting his dog had to stay in the room while we shagged.

Can you give him some hard to eat food toy thing? I give my dog freeze dried pigs snouts, he loves them and takes about an hour to get through them.

Will definitely watch the documentary later. he loves those sorts of toys so I might start limiting them to when Mr comes.

You need to get a new one to help break the pattern.

Yeah that's him

Granville The other dog and him get on really well but she happily stays where she is put so not an issue. I have to admit I know inside myself that if he can be happy and content when I'm at work (which he is) then there is no reason as to why he can't stay in a separate room when I'm at home other than me being a pushover/him being too spoilt

Thanks all

Could the dog not join in then..........?