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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New relationship is worrying me

20 replies

ProfessorPickles · 18/01/2015 11:28

Sorry if this is waffley but I've just got to talk to someone about it cause I have nobody I want to discuss it with in RL.

I have been with current DP 3 months now and overall he is spot on, he's lovely and kind and to some extent I do trust him.

I have had two previous relationships where they both emotionally abused me and cheated on me so trust issues are a big problem for me.

There are two things bugging me a bit.
The first being DP had plans to go travelling at the end of this year for several months before he met me which I have put to the back of my mind as there's no need to think about it. The issue is when we first got together one night we were cuddling in bed and he got upset and had tears in his eyes and I asked what was wrong and he said he didn't want to leave me when he goes. But last week I asked him about it cause I felt it was maybe a bit odd and over the top so early on and he said he couldn't remember why he got upset which is a blatant lie.

The main issue is a female friend of his that I find strange. I met his friends a few days ago for the first time and they were all lovely and made an effort to make me feel welcome except for her. She literally didn't even look at me once which rang alarm bells for me. So I asked DP if she had said anything about me to him and he paused for a long time just before saying "no" which also sounds like an obvious lie?! They message eachother too which doesn't mean anything but I have definite uneasy feelings about their friendship and I can't put my finger on why.

Obviously I am extremely sensitive to cheating and abuse because of how badly my precious partners treat me but it's her behaviour towards me that has really compounded my bad feelings.

I feel like these issues sound really trivial but I am just terrified that these small issues are just the tip of the iceberg like they were with previous partners

OP posts:

Original poster

ProfessorPickles · 18/01/2015 11:29

Previous partners not precious

OP posts:

MincePieDiet · 18/01/2015 11:34

Am not a relationship board expert but just wanted to say that it could be that she has tried to initiate a relationship with him and he's not interested. It could be they've had a failed relationship in the past. It could be that he's been trying to start something with her and she's knocked him back but enjoyed the attention. It could be the other way round. Them messaging each other is not really significant as they are friends.
The other incident about him crying I have no ideas about but it does seem rather odd.

Original poster

ProfessorPickles · 18/01/2015 11:40

If they were and have been friends and nothing more then I believe she'd have talked to me or at least smiled at me. I believe something current or recent is going on but what I do not know!

Overall he's brilliant and I'm very happy but I'm terrified of getting trapped like I did with my two previous partners where I was miserable but couldn't leave because I kept doubting my gut instinct

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 11:53

If it's only been a few months and if there are aspects already that are making you uncomfortable then I wouldn't pursue it further. Rather than spend time wondering if your fears are reasonable or not, give yourself the benefit of the doubt and move on. I've just made this comment elsewhere but, when it comes to people who have experienced abusive relationships, they often assume that either they 'attract' abuse or that their doubts are irrational. The danger is that they stick around, giving second chances and not trusting their own feelings. Other people in the same situation and who hafe not had bad experiencea would not give it a second thought. They'd dump first... analyse later.

Original poster

ProfessorPickles · 18/01/2015 12:46

I'm just afraid that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill because of my past experiences and that I will throw away someone really nice over my suspicions that to be honest I have no grounds for other than she didn't speak or look at me.

Before meeting DP I was deadly certain I wouldn't have another relationship for a very long time and at times I'm so pleased I met him and other times I wish I was still happy alone

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ChickenMe · 18/01/2015 12:55

Hmm I think I would go for direct questions. You have nothing to lose. Eg-your female friend didn't acknowledge me. This is weird. Why? Then see what he says and how he says it. Don't suggest any answers to him just insist on being told.
I wonder if they previously had a thing and maybe she hoped for more?
Keep listening to your instincts, keep practising.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/01/2015 13:12

It's not the female friend that would be making me uneasy about this relationship. It's this: "he got upset and had tears in his eyes and I asked what was wrong and he said he didn't want to leave me when he goes." And then denying it all later. That, just three months into a new relationship. If he isn't controlling and manipulative, he's needy.

Trust your instincts. And read Coginto's post again.

Original poster

ProfessorPickles · 18/01/2015 13:35

I like that approach chickenme would you just out of the blue go in for the kill or would you try make the conversation relevant first?

My thoughts about the tears were that they were for somebody else so maybe he isn't over an ex or has feelings for someone.
I can't imagine him being manipulative but insecure/needy is more like it and not in a mega bad annoying way.
He wasn't crying openly also if that matters, he was keeping it to himself but I noticed

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Vivacia · 18/01/2015 13:41

Might just be shorthand, but I feel that at 3 months, "boyfriend" is more appropriate than "partner".

What you describe wouldn't worry me at all. However, I would expect him not to tolerate rude behaviour towards you from his friend.

Original poster

ProfessorPickles · 18/01/2015 13:46

I wouldn't call him my partner in RL I think it's just habit from reading DP a lot on MN, I'd say a partner is someone you've been with many years.

I'm going to mention her behaviour next time we meet up because it was strange, I maybe should have delved deeper when I mentioned her last but I was feeling a bit frustrated and wound up at the time, not that I will have come across that way to him

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Twinklestein · 18/01/2015 15:30

I would infer she fancies him and/or they've been involved in the past, so ask him what their history is.

But if he's already lied to you twice, I'm not sure threre's much hope of honesty tbh.

ChickenMe · 18/01/2015 17:34

Have you had the "going steady" sort of talk yet? Ie are you boyfriend and girlfriend officially? Are you exclusive? If so I think you can ask anything you like, directly. It is harder when it's new and less established but still no harm in pointing out her weird behaviour and asking for an explanation-maybe just ask over a drink? After all, in a new relationship people are normally on their best behaviour and trying to impress so he should feel awkward that his friend blanked you.

Original poster

ProfessorPickles · 18/01/2015 17:51

Yes we are officially together and other than the two potentially small issues it's going brilliantly.
I think the decider will be how the conversation goes when I mention her when I see him next cause as it has been said he should be embarrassed that she didn't acknowledge me with even a smile!

If he said something other than a good 20-30 second pause and a no this would hopefully have just gone away. I want to know what the problem is!

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Original poster

ProfessorPickles · 18/01/2015 17:53

Twinklestein - I fear the same that the two lies are a sign of worse things to come. I will give him one opportunity to clear them up and that's it

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IrenetheQuaint · 18/01/2015 17:58

He might have forgotten what he said in bed, if he was sleepy/you'd just had sex....?

Original poster

ProfessorPickles · 18/01/2015 18:36

We hadn't just had sex or anything and to be honest I remember when I cry and why I cried

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torontonian · 19/01/2015 06:21

Was she talking and smiling at everybody else? Was her behaviour directed to you? My first thought was that she might have had a bad day or was worried, sad, not in the mood. Maybe not related to you at all. Just a thought.

GoatsDoRoam · 19/01/2015 06:35

Trust your gut.

A relationship that you feel uneasy in, is not a relationship that is doing you any good.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 19/01/2015 06:57

Maybe he was just embarrassed that he cried in front of you considering that it's early days. Tbh, it's quite sweet that he's saying he's going to miss you if he goes.

FolkGirl · 19/01/2015 07:02

You might be overthinking about nothing, or you might have hit on something. These things are potentially nothing to worry about or something huge that would end the relationship.

Unfortunately, you have no way of knowing and he isn't being open, honest or forthcoming about this. And probably because he suspects you wouldn't like the answer. He's trying not to lie but not being honest either.

Openness and honesty should be theveryfoundation of a relationship. Without this, everything else is just an illusion.

Just because you remember why and when you cry doesn't mean everyone else does, though

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