Wisdom please! From the long-term-happy-relationship-ed...

[Daisydaisydoohdahday]

Please can I pick your very wise many-brain on most important things in a marriage / long term partnership once you are actually in one?

The list below is some things I think must be important - but what are your thoughts on the right order of priority?

e.g. physical attraction
sexual attraction/hubba hubba times
humour
kindness
reliability
sharing housework
puts you in good mood when you are in grump
good father
earning potential
someone who won't cheat

etc
etc

Whatever the list might be it would be incredible to get your insight. I have a feeling these things probably look v different to the experienced than they do to me down here in the starting blocks - but would love to have some confirmation....

THANK YOU

Why do you want to prioritise what all sound like pretty basic qualities? Are some of them missing from your relationship and you're hoping they're unimportant?

I think that they are all important qualities. I have them all in my marriage and wouldn't want to compromise on any of them.

I agree with TheArmadillo - DH has them all, and, to me, they're non-negotiable in a relationship.

All those are important but I'd not break it down so specifically, I'd tend more to look for the qualities that mean everything on your list is a given.

I just want someone I'm attracted to who is kind/empathetic (if they are genuinely kind and empathetic that covers most of your list tbh!) and I feel a mental connection with.

But I'm not in a long term happy relationship so not sure I know all that much.

I think it's perfectly valid to want an order of priority because although we all want all of these basic qualities, not everyone offers them in equal measure.

It's really personal choice. I know long marriages - 25 years+- where the sex has died out but they couples are happy because they have a kind, reliable, honest partner.

Other people would put sex higher up the list and may forgive the odd indiscretion if they got all the other things on your list.

It's down to what matters to you- and I'd say that can change as the years go by. Nothing in life stays the same for ever.

I've been with DH 20+ happy years. All of the things on your list are important. If any of them were completely absent, we would not have a happy marriage.

The quality most valued varies according to what's going on in our lives. I couldn't prioritise them in general. What would that even mean?

Why would you want a priority list? Are you planning to interview a panel of potential partners?

Does your partner fail on one or more of these? Are you trying to decide if his good qualities outweigh the bad?

Have you read the sticky post at the top of the Relationships board?

For me personally I need a good friend first, so those are the most important qualities. So my list would look something like this

Cheers me up
reliable (I couldn't take anyone seriously if they didn't do the things they said they would)
Kind
Considerate/empathic
good father
This list is all tied up together and I can't really put them in a definitive order.

Lower down the lust are physical attraction, sex (although sexual compatibility is probably quite important) and earning potential (I earn enough to keep our family comfortable, dp has a pt job that earns less than half my salary but he does more around the house because he has more time, I'd rather that than have him working long hours for more money but leaving me with most of the housework)

I would say that one of the most important ones are kindness and respect. If you are kind and considerate, you will try to make your partner's life easier and more pleasant - so trying to cheer them up when they're down, won't leave your other half struggling with kids and housework, if you can help; won't disappear on a drinking binge etc. If you respect them, you will listen to their opinions and will try to find solutions to any issues, instead of dismissing them as silly, fighting and calling names.

A good relationship has all of those things. Probably in varying amounts at varying times - there will be points in your relationship when laughing will be more important than shagging, and times when a physical connection will mean more than earning power...it will change and develop and different elements will take priority. But they should all be there.

I'm not sure a priority list of expectations is ever a great start though, tbh. What is most important to you?

Communication and establishing expectations and meeting them is very important to me. When DH and I argue, it's usually because he is being vague or not doing something he said he would, and it winds me up something chronic!

Of course we still work well together because we both know we are flawed and try to work at our flaws. He is better at that than I am.

Sorry, request for context is quite reasonable!

I'm actually single, but relationships haven't been much on my radar for the last few years as I've been travelling overseas. Now I'm home and thinking about men, but some of my conversations with friends in long term relationships makes me doubt my priorities.

Would be awesome if I could find all of them together - hats off to those of you who have that!

Are there any other major qualities I should be thinking about too?

Only one on the list that is irrelevant to me is earning potential as I can do that myself.

Sex is very important to me as you are going to be doing it regularly with them for rest of lice so couldnt put up with rubbish sex/no sexual attraction.

Does anyone ever make lists like this when looking for a relationship? I just married the one was like my best friend instantly, good looking, great sexual attraction etc. It should just flow naturally ime.

For me it is probably the following in this order-

Kind person/kind heart (the most important to me)
Funny
Mature (in personality)
Laid back
50/50 with housework
Same goals in life

Sex is important, but if he was paralysed from the waist down I would still be happy. Attractiveness I have got over, I always went for guys I fancied the pants off, but realised that someone that makes me happy, laugh, feel safe, loved and respected lasts forever. Looks fade.

I would say happy, safe, loved and respected would obviously be a given you wouldn't have a relationship with someone if they didnt do those things.

My DP ticks off all the attributes on your list OP and I would hope I would too for him.

It wasn't something I was aware of looking for but I think in our case it was made easier because we were friends first and our attraction was mutual (assisted by a great deal of Bacardi ) and in the majority of cases the same qualities would apply to my friends too.