Stepmums

[Bobcatpretzel]

Dear ladies,

I'm brand new here, but hope to become a regular as I am expecting my first baby (little girl) in a few months!

I'm awake at 4:30am with some things on my mind which I could do with some help with. This afternoon was particularly difficult hormone wise and I've been very tired again recently... The thing is, I'm a stepmum (2 boys both primary school age) and have been for 2 1/2 years. We see them every week on a Wednesday night and 2 out of 3 weekends on a rolling rota.

So, I come to my point. With hormones racing and another argument about who wanted to watch what on TV first breaking out, I took to a particular baby app's forum to have a vent and ask for some advice on hormones. I explained I had been struggling and that I was cross that (while pregnant, sicky and with ever-growing cankles) I was getting little help from my partner with his children and I felt quite fed up of taking on all the domestic chores, feeding, bathing, taxi-ing etc (you know, the thankless stuff) while he did all the fun stuff! All I wanted to do that day was to sit down and take a break and instead I was doing the lion's share.

Well. The responses were quite incredible! Bearing in mind this was a forum for first time pregnant ladies...

The assumption by all was firstly that I was a child hater, and that I should really consider why I was having my own child when I clearly hated my step kids so much.

The rest of the responses ranged from:
Maybe your partner is trying his best to earn money for you as the breadwinner (...an assumption, we both work very busy jobs actually!)

To

If I were your partner I would kick you to the curb!

I was just in complete shock to be honest. I promptly removed myself from the forum after feeling like i'd just been closed in on by a pack of wolves!

Aside from the fact that at no point did I mention any feelings about my step children in the post (just my feelings about chores), I am actually a very good stepmum and do love my step kids. I am the one who arranges days out for them, buys them their favourite meals and reads with them after school as dad is often busy. I even have them I half terms (I am a teacher) when mum and dad are working. I even get on well with their mum, who asks me to do things for them! I'm convinced that had I said I was cross with my partner and wanted a break from my own kids for a few hours, the response would have been different. I am positive some biological mums would too feel the same way and have similar frustrations with their husbands/boyfriends/girlfriends/significant others?

I just wondered why stepmums so often get a bad rap? And so many seem to jump to conclusions about us? I was so so upset by their comments about my 'pity party'!

Honesty, please...

It sounds as though your issue is with your Dp, not your stepkids. Ignore the nasty comments if you can. And set some boundaries before your new arrival.

Your DP sounds like a lazy sod happy to let others (you) do the lions share of domestics.

What does he do?

What are you going to do to knock this on the head before you have your baby?

You need a good sit down and talk to get him to pull his finger out. If he doesn't stop bloody doing for him and let him sort himself out. He is an adult who holds down a busy job, he can sort his own shit.

Do it now before you have a new baby to deal with as well.

Ignore the comments

Kids are really hard work and you are pregnant, tired and hormonal

Your dh is also tired after working all day as are you , but he's not pregnant

You need help. How about getting a cleaner/ironing lady so at least that's one thing that will be done. It's worth every penny

You need to sit down and explain how you are feeling with him

He can be lazy with housework and so on, yes. It can be frustrating as his remark when I have a moan is always that I should just 'leave it til tomorrow' or that he will do it tomorrow. When I leave things to him they get done eventually. ( when I'm out kids have take away or he forgets to feed them til they moan and they have frozen pizza etc!). Don't think chores will change much when baby arrives, but the things i do for the kids will have to and I'm prepared for that.

The other facet is, as a step mum, I feel that those are the things I can give his kids they won't ever feel about me how they feel about their real parents, nor I feel about them how I would about my own children. I do throw myself into it trying to make myself fit, to be honest! I feel I can't offer them the kind of relationship a parent can, but I can make sure their bedroom looks nice and they have their favourites for tea. Does that make sense?

It's just difficult because I feel I can't say anything negative about the situation as the response is always "it was a package deal you chose". And yes, it is, but in other situations people can be very vitriolic about their relationships with biological kids and husbands/wives and it is dealt with sensitively and all gets put down to it being a bad day or tough week. With step parents quite often the response is that we shouldn't be anything but blissfully happy, when in fact it's a very emotionally charged situation with lots of conflicting feelings (especially when having a baby!).

I just wondered what people on this forum's take on that was? I can't understand it but if I could maybe I could deal with it better.

Ps. Googling cleaning companies right now. It's on the to do list!

Maybe the women on the other forum have no experience of step families. Maybe they are in the 'pregnant with 1st baby bubble of bliss, perfection, unicorns and rainbows'. There's nowt as weird as folk. Ignore the mean and spiteful comments. You are living your life, issues and all and hopefully you'll get the understanding and support you need on MN.

You did not chose a package deal of doing all the shit work for his kids while he does the fun.

He needs to step up and parent his children equally and decently. At the moment you are doing this more than he is!

Just because you are female does not make you the chore doer.

IMHO it is your dh who should be doing the lions share of work when his kids come to stay. They aren't your dc and you shouldn't be made to feel like a nanny.

My view is that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be a step parent. We all complain about our dcs sometimes, we all find it hard sometimes, I occasionally think they wouldn't have survived if I didn't have maternal feelings towards them :o

I have so much respect for step parents. I don't know how you do it. You have to do everything I do, but if you dare to complain someone will come along and accuse you of not loving your step children.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with them and your dh takes advantage of you doing the practical side of things.

You're pregnant. You're tired. Your dh isn't stepping up to help you, and he's leaving you to do the parental bit too. Feeding DCs, cleaning up after them, being there when they're hurt or upset, that's the parenting bit. That's the real bit.

Your problem is your dh. Sort a cleaner etc. but it's time he did a bit more parenting and a bit less Disney dad-ing.

You're doing brilliantly :) congrats on the baby.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job but your DH needs to learn to parent. I agree with the other poster who said you need to learn to set boundaries now, and frankly why should you using your half term break to look after the children on your own??

My view is that there a lot of divorces - is it one in three?, not sure, hence there are a lot of people embroiled in the problems that come with it. Many readers will be the children of divorced couples, the wife of someone with a nightmare ex and DCs, or the ex partner. This must total a large percentage of the population. So whenever anyone writes anything about step-parenting everyone with a view, ie everyone who has been affected by divorce involving children piles in.

I would also guess that most peoples' experience is less than perfect.

Secondly, if most people were given the opportunity to avoid the tedious, thankless work of child rearing they would. I would have done in a flash.

So, keeping those things in mind, I would rejoin your pregnancy board, the posters are only reflecting their take on step parenting (which you can bet your bottom dollar they have never done) due to their own unhappy experiences and aren't the ones you need to advise you. Go to a step parenting thread instead.
And, two, just remind your DH that he is Dad too and ask him which of the tasks he is going to take on, and work hard to make him stick with them. My DH did v little with the DCs in the day to day stuff, and that was 100% my fault for not getting him to take his share, like I said given the choice we would all avoid it.

Half terms? Honestly? Their mum often asks me if I'll have them to save on childcare and I feel bad taking time off for myself while they're both working, and know they prefer to be at our house rather than with the childminder and so do it to make them happy. I also feel terrible that they know I have the option and am choosing not to have them.

Thanks for the positive comments - I am hoping to fully understand what my partner feels about his kids when our baby arrives. Maybe I will understand it better and find things easier. Don't give me too much credit though - I do still get 'days off' (as my Other half calls them!) so it's not full time work (yet..!).

Is the childcare so bad, I think DCs are very influenced by what the adults around them say. If they are given the impression that going to you is what their DM wants that might be why they say they want to go. On the other hand the Childminder might be dire, if it is perhaps someone should look for another.

And once you have a baby you will feel even more guilty to say no to having them as it could be construed as preferring your little (perfect) one to two big noisy boys! As if you would

Get some firm arrangements in place before baby arrives.

I'm afraid you need to be very careful what you post on any step-parenting forum, even MN. I've been a Step-Mum for 6 years (and a bio Mum for 18 months) and have watched with interest as so many good (IMO) step-parents have been flamed for no apparent reason.

My advice would be to avoid posting or develop a very thick skin.

You already know what your P feels about his kids.

He doesn't care enough to bother with decent food at proper times until they complain they are hungry.

He doesn't care enough to do all the shit work children entail.

These tasks are beneath him. They are women's work.

You stated it yourself I was getting little help from my partner with his children and I felt quite fed up of taking on all the domestic chores, feeding, bathing, taxi-ing etc (you know, the thankless stuff) while he did all the fun stuff!

Why do you think that will change when you have another when he is already like it with the children he has?

Re half terms, my point was that you shouldn't be doing it on your own. I am SM to two boys who are both also primary school age. DH and I have them every half term and we both book that week off work. If I were a teacher I would not expect DH to carry on working because I had that week off regardless. I love the boys very much and take an active role in their parenting but ultimately it's DH's responsibility to be there at every turn; he'd never leave me to get on with it, I even if he knows I would, because he knows it's not fair.

OP - I'm sorry you had such a bad experience in a pregnancy forum. I have to say that I find pregnancy forums to be very taxing, with a lot of "all children are 100% flawless, and if you dare criticise them in any way then you are a terrible parent". Can't wait to see the sort of entitled, spoilt brats they end up with....

Secondly, and more importantly, you are getting absolutely, totally shafted by your partner. In all honesty I think you should be sitting down with him, like, yesterday, and having this out with him. He sounds absolutely fucking useless.

Yes, you chose a package deal which involved him and his children. You really love his children, and they are great. But you accepting his children doesn't mean that he gets to palm off literally all parental responsibility onto you. You will be there for them, and support him in his role as Dad - but you aren't and never can be their mother. He doesn't get to pick and choose which part of parenting he does. If he is old enough to feed himself, then he is old enough to feed his own sodding children without having to wait for them to point out that humans need food to survive. He created these children, so he has to step up.

Give him a list of all the thankless things you currently do for them - driving around, etc. Give it to him and say "I have been doing all this because you couldn't be bothered, but now it's time to wake up and pull your weight. I will continue to do these things (tidying their rooms, cooking a few times a week, whatever is reasonable). I will stop doing these things, effect of immediately (driving them around, doing all the boring stuff).

Frankly I find it pretty disgusting that he is willing to palm off this stuff onto you when they aren't your children. Step parents are there to support, help when genuinely needed, and to try and build their own relationship with the children. Not to do the grunt work of parenting because the actual parent is a lazy fuck.

Pretzel, don't lose sight of the fact that your stepDCs time in your house is contact time with their dad. Ergo, if it's half term and he's at work, there's no reason for them to be at your house in the daytime. Different story if he's taken the week off work; or if there's a genuine one-day emergency and you can help out. But your DH needs to be liaising with their mum about childcare and pickups, it's his responsibility not yours. Make your own daytime plans for school holidays, and regretfully you're not free to provide free childcare. In any event, as your first pregnancy progresses, you'll want to be able to make the most of your precious prenatal maty leave, not spend it looking after the boys!

Your partner wants you to be their mother so he doesn't have to do the 'boring' bits and look at where this has got you.

He is taking advantage and you need put your foot down, they are his children not yours and he should be doing the car drives, the meals etc. Soon you will have a baby plus 2 children to look after! so get this sorted now, good luck!

Is it possible to only have the boys every other weekend. Two out of three seems a bit much. Or does it help their mum to go to work.

He needs to do more OP.
Get him trained now for when your baby arrives.