How to deal with PA dh who likes to project his feelings onto me

[WUME]

Dh is typical PA. Most of the time he is lovely but occasionally is a complete arse.

Today he is in a sulk.

I don't know why and I've learnt long ago that attempting to find out why will be a long drawn out affair which will result nothing but more sulking.

So these days I ignore.

However, he's taken to projecting his behaviour onto me.

So less than 10 minutes ago, I went to the toilet and when I came back he was sitting in my seat at the table. No biggie. But firstly he never sits in this seat and secondly, my wine glass and bits and bobs are there because I have been sitting there since putting the dc down (I am sewing on brownie badges so sewing tin and uniform etc)

I mentioned that he was sitting in my chair, he got up and said 'your arsey today' I didn't reply because I'm not and I know he wants he a reaction. He then repeated himself and I said 'no, not at all' all bright and breezy and he stomped off.

It would have been better to say nothing but if I am going to bite, what would you say?

God this would drive me crazy!

I'd have said all cheerfully "ohh thanks love, you finish that sewing and I'll pop the kettle on." and if he questioned it just say you assumed he'd sat in your place to take over...

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Living with the Dominator can be very wearing.

You've become conditioned by him to accept this from him at great cost to your own self worth and self esteem. You've now learnt to say nothing. Sulking works for him and he gains all the power and control from same. And as for he being nice most of the time, this probably only happens more when he has his own way. Abusive men can do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle and he won't change. It may well be that either one or both his parents are like this so it is also learnt behaviour.

I would be actually saying to him now that you want to separate and for him to leave the marital home.

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you about relationships here?. Is this really what you want to be teaching your girls about relationships; that this is really how men behave within same?. How would you feel if they went onto date someone who is really a carbon copy of their dad?. You are showing them that currently at least this behaviour of his is acceptable to you. And how long will it be before he starts to sulk at them too?.

You live like this ?

the fact that he repeated himself showed he wanted a reaction so tbh I would have ignored the comment.

My dad was a sulker and often for no reason that anyone else could fathom so I have a really low tolerance for this kind of shit.

When you say he is like this 'occasionally' how often is that actually? And for how many years has it been going on?

I'd have said 'Really? You think so? I'm not the one who deliberately sat in someone else's seat to try and get a reaction out of them'.

I like your reaction. I like some of the others too. He sounds very immature, but he's not alone as there are many sulky men written about on MN.

I think it's funny that he sat in your chair. What can I do to get her attention and maybe rile her? I'll sit in her chair, I will!

"There's the door. Don't let it hit you on the arse as you leave."

People who pick fights over nothing are usually bullies. Sulking is intended as punishment. Whether you're ignoring him or trying not to rise to the bait it sounds bloody miserable. How to respond? Tell him to grow up

Your reaction sounds absolutely perfect.