Contact for 11 month old baby with ea dad

[iloverunning36]

Previous threads

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2134477-how-to-deal-with-someone-who-threatens-to-end-relationship-but-never-does?pg=6&order=

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2187264-emotional-abuse-How-to-make-final-leap-to-leave-if-so

Am currently only talking through solicitors with ea ex. He says he doesn't want to see me or my family. I don't want to see him or his as he has been really sh1tty trying to make sure he pays as little maintenance as possible for the child he wanted to have. He is off work (probably due to split) if he had agreed to work on his issues then I would have no hesitation in finding a way to facilitate access but he is refusing to admit that he is abusive and blaming me for leaving him. I'm waiting for a referral to domestic abuse social worker. Health visitor has suggested supervised contact via contact centre to begin with which I don't think ex will like at all. I've told ex numerous times that the suggested contact for a baby is 2-3 shorter visits of a couple of hours but he just ignores me and expects to see the baby once a week overnight. He said he will be moving further away so he will see him less.

What do I do about contact? My thoughts were see what social worker says. I have seen ex raise voice at baby and swear and now we are no contact I have no idea what his current mental state is (it's bad enough to be off work though). I do want to do whatever is best for the baby but I am still very angry for what ex put me through so fear my judgement may be impaired. Can I make contact so I don't have to see ex or is this bad for our baby?

Also although ex has been to solicitor for changing his will and starting separation agreement he has said he won't go through the legal route for his son. (I think this is because he is a police sergeant and wouldnt want his reputation damaged)

I haven't read your other threads but if he is EA to you and verbally abusive to the baby then I wouldn't be facilitating any contact. Contact centre would be the only kind of contact i'd consider safe tbh. Wait and see what the social worker says but if he's moving away then i'd say that is a blessing really. It doesn't sound like contact would be of any benefit to your child, in fact quite the opposite, and that is what is contact is all about.

Yeh but my family etc seem to think he should have contact as he wasn't physically abusive. Also how do I explain to my son once he is older?

If he really wants to be an involved caring parent then he'll jump through all the right hoops to ensure that happens, including contact little and often and contact centres if that what is deemed safe. Sending a baby to stay overnight with an adult they are not familiar with would likely be distressing for the baby yet this man is happy for that to happen with little regard for his child's happiness. He is responsible for his own relationship with his child, not you. What your family thinks is irrelevant, this is your child. As for what you tell your son, well I'd keep it simple for a young child - your father wasn't ready to be a dad or your father was too ill to take care of you. Keep a paper trail of your offers of contact for when your child is older as no doubt he'll lay the blame firmly at your door.

Thanks. Yes he blamed me for everything throughout our relationship and took little interest in baby until we had left. I have let him have overnights before but I was still in a fog and automatically agreeing to things on his terms (as was the way throughout our relationship)